Category: Interviews

Kelkowski, The Birmingham Six, Yewtree, & Me

In the 1970s and 80s there was word on the street of a man, a man like no other. Criminals didn’t dare speak his name. He was like some mad cross between Magnum PI, The A Team, Bergerac and Juliet Bravo. He was Kelkowski. Whenever a crime was solved by dubious means, whenever a criminal disappeared “to the Costa Brava”, whenever a witness to police brutality lost their memory, there was Kelkowski.

Then came the 90s and a spate of high profile legal cases of proven wrongful imprisonment – The Birmingham Six, the Guildford Four, Jeffrey Archer… Well, Archer was originally fitted up and it was dumb luck that he genuinely was guilty. These cases ruined Kelkowski and he left the force. His high profile victories ruined. He found comfort with his friends from the 70s and 80s; respectable men, men of substance, men of charity, men like Dave Lee Travis, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Saville.

After a few more rough years helping colleagues with their enquiries, Kelkowski has finally come forward and gone public to reveal, for perhaps the first time, a genuine shocking truth. Kelkowski is two men, Jay Kelly and Ian Kulkowski, the former of whom has, with the help for friend Jim Davidson, moved himself to the middle east while the latter has retired to the far less welcoming wilds of North Wales. Both are suspicious of the press after two decades of bad publicity and so our conversations become a mess, almost impossible to piece together.

Definitely Not Friends of Kelkowski
Definitely Not Friends of Kelkowski

I started by asking about their relationship with Saville but they quickly asserted they would not be talking about Yewtree or miscarriages of justice or anything any normal person would actually care about, which is how this article ended up where it is – on the league website of a Dynasty Fantasy Football League. What follows may appear to be a mass of contradictions and non-sequitors, it may be disjointed and, in places, unintelligible, but that is perhaps the fairest reflection of the men at the centre of this storm. Don’t expect to read anything you’ll care about in what lies ahead.

I did, however, manage to get a couple of questions in about their beginnings. So how did Kelly and Kulkowski wind up together?

“I’m not sure,” says Kulkowski, confused. “I certainly didn’t choose it.” He sounds a little disgusted with his partner, but he clearly put a brave face on it. “I went away for a while then came back and I was paired with Jay,” he continues, referring to his suspension in 1975 for cocaine possession (unproven). “I’m a team player though so I’m happy working with anyone.”

Kelly, for the record, has a different slant. “We’re a dream team. I look at this as being a perfect partnership. Apart from the time difference. And our past performance. And the lack of organisation within the team. Or having the slightest idea what we’re doing. Still, if you add our combined wins up from the Chatterbowl and our scattergun draft approach in the same competition, we match up with most of our competitors. Individually we didn’t do too well, but combined we will be unstoppable (or much much worse). We have no expectations, other than dominating our opposition on and off the the field. Or not.”

It was at this point I realise they were serious about the whole “No questions about the police stuff, it’s fantasy football all the way” provisos they had laid down, and I considered stopping things right there, but journalistic integrity/the knowledge that I could probably spin this for a quick buck somewhere led me to continue.

Kulkowski continues: “Joint decisions have come easy so far and while I’m sure there will some difficult debates down the road so far everything’s rosy in the Kelkowski garden.”

While they continued to jabber away, I did a quick bit of research and turned up the Chatterbowl league Kelly referred to. Both Kelly and Kulkowski were new members of the fantasy league in 2013, and apparently they are now teaming up to co-manage a Dynasty League team in the DynaBowl and relive the olden days. As new members, was there a steep learning curve and what are they taking from the Chatterbowl into the DynaBowl?

“From my end I found it tough,” says Kelly, “because I’m not some sinister NFL hermit who makes spreadsheets and does in-depth analysis for publications.  Who has the time to watch every single game?  What kind of a sick freak actually watches the combine?”

Tough indeed. My research tells me that between the pair of them, they secured 7 wins in 26 regular season games. A pitiful return. It doesn’t bode well, I say.

“Depends on your definition of success,” says Kelly again, “I drafted guys and I didn’t quit on them, unlike some of my peers.  I also didn’t get trade raped.  I will, however, never forget a tie being turned into a defeat by the racists at the NFL and ESPN.”

Kulkowski has a different persepctive. “Did we really only win 7 games last year? Jay must have been terrible. In my head I did a lot better than that. Though from my perspective I had an awful draft. My first 4 picks were Steven Jackson, Steven Ridley, RG3 & Randall Cobb. So I guess it’s a wonder I was able to cobble together any wins at all. Shows my underlying managerial potential. My best pick of the early rounds was Knowshon Moreno, who I quickly traded for MJD.”

It’s that kind of form that found other GMs speaking derisively of Kelkowski’s chances in the upcoming season. I wonder what the pair think of having their methods questioned and if they’ll change anything in response.  The Kelkowski of the 80s comes to the fore in Kelly.

“Kelkowski will do what Kelkowski wants to do.  We don’t kowtow to the suits in the league office and we don’t listen to the insults of internet weirdos.  If any of our fellow GMs want to make something of it, we’ll show them some old school street justice.  In terms of the responsibilities that come with the job of GM we both take it very seriously.  We even created a spreadsheet, which, I think you agree shows our strong commitment to the team.”

It’s clear which side of the partnership harbours the attitude when Kulkowski jumps in with his response, which is much more mild-mannered and even tempered than his partner’s. “The disrespect that’s been aimed towards us from some camps makes me laugh. I think other GM’s will have enough to worry about rather than wasting energy taking swipes at us. For me it’s a sign that they’re worried. Fear is driving such behaviour and to be honest it’s justified. Fear of the unknown.”

That said, when I ask about objectives for the season ahead, it appears Kelly has rubbed off on Kulkowski just a little bit. “There can only be one objective and that is to win it all every year. There’s no point in being involved otherwise. Kelkowski will have one aim and that will be to dominate the dynabowl year in year out. We will be the leagues phill Taylor if you like.”

But then Kelly takes things one step further. Some might say over the line, but not Kelkowski. “I want to trade rape at least one person, preferably David Slater.” It’s not the kind of thing you necessarily want to broadcast but, if the 80s taught us anything, it that that’s just not the Kelkowski way.

Given the pairing’s reputation, are we to expect any fireworks or trademark ‘maverick’ moves at the auction?

“You can expect actual fireworks, theme music, and possibly a surprise celebrity appearance,” promises Kelly, while Kulkowski goes one step further: “My main focus in the auction will be unsettling the other GM’s with my nominations. Too much focus is paid to the bidding process but the real victories are had when you force someone into a massive panic buy with a left field nomination or make them pass on an undervalued player because they’ve just wasted said dollars. The auction is a massive psychological battle on many levels, it will take a strong willed and highly manipulative GM to come out on top, and that’s exactly who Kelkowski is.”

Kelly pipes up again, anxious to stress that they have a fully rounded auction plan. “I think it’s well known that we are all about players with amusing and/or interesting names, as well as those that contain apostrophes or extra capital letters. We’re also looking at young players with a good future ahead of them. And Tony Romo.”

Now one thing that everyone knows about Kelkowski is their attitude to rules. So what do the pair make of the extensive rulebook laid out by the Commissioner?

“It’s clear that Kelkowski doesn’t care for rules, the suits in the league office, or authority of any kind.  We make our own rules (within the stringent rules set for us by the suits in the league office),” says Kelly, and Kulkowski tows the party line, “My approach to the rules is very much in keeping with the Kelkowski mantra. I will ignore them and do my own thing until someone tells me I’ve done something wrong. Then I will ask what the rules are and what I should do differently and just pretend I didn’t know. It’s an easy excuse given the rules are so complicated.”

So what does the season hold in store for us then? Kulkowski is eager to place any underperformance firmly away from his door, saying “I’m strongly of the opinion that fantasy success is 85% luck which means anyone can win. That’s part of the appeal for me. Even Ben [Archer] or Geoffrey [Manboob – apparently a person] could win it. Anyone. Except [David] Slater. He will never be allowed to win. Even when it looks like he is cruising to victory so higher powered intervention will take place to ensure he fails. The league could not cope with a victorious Slatz. However, this also means anyone can also finish last no matter how ‘good’ they or anyone else thinks they are. You are only ever a couple of injuries or lineup changes away from disaster.”

Kelly is equally adamant about David Slater. “I would love to get one over on Slater. He’s a terrible human being.”

And with that they hang up, and I am left trying to make sense of the gibberish and find somewhere to make money from it all. I have failed.

Alas, Smith and Phones

Dan Smith has a very fortunate position in the world of the DynaBowl, which in some way balances out his unfortunate position in the real world, living in the wilds of Canada as he does. Unfortunately his remote location means that a face to face interview was not possible – they barely have electricity where Dan is, let alone a runway. Instead we are forced to carry out our interview over the crackliest of telegraph wires which may have led to some miscommunications, but hopefully I’ve managed to salvage a meaningful conversation from the electronic wreckage.

NB: Wherever I am unclear about what was said I have entered my interpretation of the conversation in [square brackets]. This may not reflect Smith’s original intent.

Ottawa's telephone, yesterday
Ottawa’s telephone, yesterday

I start by asking him about that stroke of great fortune he had in teaming up with Benjamin Hendy, the Commissioner of the DynaBowl league, the man who wrote the rulebook and the man with whom he co-runs the Dynablaster Bombermen. How will the dynamic work between them?

A: “Well, he wrote the rules so I see him handling most of the [cheating]. I’m more of a gut feeling type of guy who will just suggest stupid things that ensure we go out in the first round of the playoffs.”

Q: And have you had any hand in the rules?

A: “I haven’t had a hand in the rules, as quite frankly I am as baffled by them as [any fluent speaker of the English language would be].”

Q: So was there anything you’re cursing Hendy for missing out?

A: “[Basic literacy]? Seriously though, it would have been nice if the auction could have been held somewhere less accessible like beautiful Ottawa.”

Q: After the first year of the Chatterbowl this might have seemed like a dream pairing, with you and Hendy both making a bit of a run for the title, but Hendy really regressed in year two while you continued to excel. Are you worried he might drag you down?

A: “Well I may have gotten lucky a couple of years running but the fact that I couldn’t push on to at least the final suggests something is missing. I’m hoping that Hendy will add his special sauce that turns us into the Big Mac of Fantasy Football. Or a Whopper at the very least.”

Q: Now, being based over in North America, does that give you a strategic advantage, being closer to the action?

A: “I hope not, otherwise I should be doing a hell of a lot better than I have been. I do get to watch more games live but with the internet, [everybody’s ahead of me. My television only shows games in black and white, I can barely tell the sides apart].

Q: Are there disadvantages to the location? The CFL runs until November. Will that keep your eye off the pigskin?

A: “While it is true that Ottawa has a CFL team for the first time since 2005, they went and called themselves the “RedBlacks” and I can’t take a team seriously that just names itself after the colour of their uniforms so have sworn off CFL for the foreseeable future. [Moose knuckles on the other hand].”

Q: So what are the key transferables from the Chatterbowl? Where does The DynaBowl differ?

A: “Ultimately there are only two things that are the same in the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl, the gentlemen [of low moral stature and even lower hygiene] who own the franchises and their cluelessness.”

Q: So what will the key to winning The DynaBowl be?

A: “The key is to tapping into the stupidity of all the other managers and making them do things that are disastrous to their team. Off the top of my head and thinking of nobody in particular, this will include things such as getting someone to buy Drew Brees for [a very reasonable] $300.”

Q: Is there anyone you particularly want to see on your team, once the auction is over and done with?

A: “I could not possibly comment at this time. Although I do really think we should be bidding high on all Saints players.”

Q: Who do you think are the greatest threats are in this league?

A: “The biggest threat to my sanity is probably David. The biggest threat in terms of winning the league is hard to say at this point, as nobody has shown that they actually have the faintest idea of [how to breath with their mouth shut, let alone manage a Dynasty League Football Team].”

Q: Have you suggest any tricks to Hendy to use at the auction? Anything to pull the wool over other owners or psyche them out?

A: “Every one of these answers is a trick.”

Q: Any message for your opposing GMs?

A: “Hey, have some drinks on me! Wait, what’s the exchange rate?”

I tell him.

A: “Hey, buy yourselves some beers, get really drunk and make some bad decisions!”

And with that the operator cuts in to explain that someone else in the province needs to use the phone line now and that our time is up.

“Love me like I love the Jets!” Pleads Slater

David Slater's pre-auction home
David Slater’s pre-auction home

East Germany – 1980

Argentina – 1986

Chelsea – 2004-6

David Slater & the Dynasore Losers – 2014?

What do they have in common? They were all despised by their competitors, and the only question is will Slater and the Losers join that list of champions?

It’s fair to say that Slater’s abrasive nature hasn’t endeared him to his fellow GMs. In the interviews I have conducted so far he’s been labelled ‘jealous’, ‘mediocre’, and ‘unpopular’, while off the record the comments have been much more scathing, with questions raised about his parentage, his counting skills and his ability to make high quality balloon animals for a children’s birthday party. It’s fair to say that he’s set himself up as the man everyone wants to beat.

When I meet him at his underground bunker, buried deep in the Bavarian hillside, I ask him how he feels to be the centre of such ire.

UGLY

I can’t help being better,” he says with a bravado that doesn’t really suit an Arsenal fan. “Envy is an ugly emotion, bringing low the best of men. And the DynaBowl is not overflowing with the best of men.”

It’s clear, then that the contempt flows both ways.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he counters. “I have great respect for Dan Smith, a fine competitor and close divisional rival in the Chatterbowl. Chris [Braithwaite] has finished strongly in each of the Chatterbowl’s seasons and has a ridiculously anal understanding of the Rams depth chart – exactly the sort of crucial details that will make a difference in a highly charged competition such as the DynaBowl – and Max [Cubberley] is always sneaky good. As for the rest, [Dan] Sayles is the closest thing I have to a bogey team in the Chatterbowl. However, by teaming up with Ben [Archer] and tasking him with auctioning their team, he’s torpedoed any chance they had before it starts. At the other end of the scale, Geoffrey [Manboob] is the only coach I know who could lower the combined footballing acumen of Kelkowski [Jay Kelly and Ian Kulkowski].”

So it’s not everyone that is a target for his barbs, but it’s noticeable that in refuting the charge of contempt for his competition, he ends with a vicious put down of three of them. But he’s not entered the DynaBowl to make friends, and, despite the team name, he’s not entered to lose either.

Slater, like Hitler, has only got one ball

“It’s a play on the town name, Dynasore. We’re the Sore Losers, see,” he explains. “This will be a team stacked with winners, men who will sacrifice a testicle to ensure victory, who will take every defeat personally and will never be satisfied, on or off the field. Like their coach.”

I try to ask him what victory he secured by sacrificing his testicle but he quickly wants to change the subject. Well, changed it back to backhanded insults to the rest of the league.

“Now, the commissioner, there’s a man doing a fine job, but he probably needs to remind himself what sunlight is.” Not wanting a compliment to slip by without a little something below the belt, he continues “Also, if he could take over a lot of the draft research and scouting work from Coach Smith that would be excellent.”

This might all make good copy, but that’s not what I’m here for. I want to get under the skin of a man who will be at the centre of whatever s happening in the league. I want to know what makes him tick. This is a man who had an ignominious start to fantasy life, missing the playoffs after a wholly unremarkable first season in the Chatterbowl, but made great strides in year two, securing 3rd seed, though ultimately dropping out at the first hurdle. So what was behind this sharp change in fortunes and what will he be carrying forward to The DynaBowl from that experience?

SCARED

“The first Chatterbowl season started well enough, but bye cover was a serious issue and my results went south when I was required to rotate players,” he says, though there’s a whiff of revisionism about the statement. The Dechlorinators started 2-0 against 2 of the worst teams in the league, but were never more than average as the season went on, finishing 6-7. “In the second year, building a stronger bench was a priority, and that will be even more important in Dynabowl with a greater depth of players drafted and less opportunities to retool on the fly via waivers. My strategy of turning every match into a rivalry, and even matches that didn’t happen such as those with Geoffrey – who I outscored every single week in this year’s Chatterbowl – also paid dividends, this strategy worked well for Gareth [Simpson, who left the league after 1 year] in the inaugural Chatterbowl season, as he scared opponents into having their worst weeks against him.”

Certainly that rings true, a strong bench is vital in such a deep league, and with only 10 teams, compared to the 16 competing for the Chatterbowl, The DynaBowl is bound to be that much more hard fought when it comes to strength in depth. So where does he see the value coming from?

CATASTROPHIC and INEXPLICABLE

“Too often people undervalue solid players in the peak of their careers to overpay for potential in a dynasty setting, no player in the Dynabowl is ever more than a week away from a serious injury, or the catastrophic and inexplicable loss of form that inevitably follows being drafted into Geoffrey’s team. I’ll be focusing as much on talent as potential.”

It’s well known that Slater is a man who treats a spreadsheet like he’s making love to a beautiful woman – he starts with a VLOOKUP her skirt, pivots her over a table, before encountering a #NAME error and spending half an hour trying to work out what the problem is and then giving up. Given his love for a good stat, how much is he enjoying getting his hands dirty with data and pulling together his auction board?

The Slater 'War Room', where the 'magic' happens.
The Slater ‘War Room’, where the ‘magic’ happens.

Slater takes me through from his bunker-office to his ‘War Room’. In the centre of the room is a large table with models-cum-voodoo-dolls of each of his opponents spread out across it. As I get closer I see that the table has a map of Europe drawn on it and it appears that Slater is pushing the dolls about as though they were armoured Divisions in the Second World War. It’s here that his strategy has been developed. It makes little sense to the layman, but to a megalomaniac such as Slater, this is the battlefield where the war will be won.

“I have a complicated multi-dimensional model, evaluating every possible element of performance, risk of injury or the kind of personality issues that see you traded to Tampa Bay, and then using them to build a complex value model, but much like poker, an auction is as much about playing the opponent as the bids.” There is some solid gold wisdom in there about how to approach the auction process, but it’s soon lost as Slater again takes to undermining his opponents. “In order to predict the behavior of the other GMs I have also devised a complicated system to predict their bids, using a series of hats, some small pieces of paper and a random number generator. In order to help myself think like Geoffrey I have taken to smashing my head into a wall repeatedly to induce brain damage.”

MY BELOVED JETS

So who are the targets? He’s clearly worked long and hard at his hit list and won’t be happy without getting some of his top men. “No one player makes a team, but there are plenty who can ruin one. I will be taking my beloved Jets approach of drafting and signing utter shite, and relying on a great coach to get the most out of them. I will consider getting a tattoo of a woman wearing the jersey of my major signing as this proved a masterstroke in making Mark Sanchez one of the most famous players in the NFL. Rex is a genius at motivating people.”

And what of the strategy. I can’t believe that Slater will approach the auction without some trickery up his sleeve, but the man plays his cards close to his chest. He clearly has some ideas but we’ll have to wait and see how they play out in the long run. In the meantime, he’ll continue to work on the morale of his opponents. “I have a number of plans, I will bankrupt Kelkowski by nominating Barkevious Mingo with my first selection, I have a Drew Brees look-a-like scheduled to walk past the venue early on, to distract Bean long enough to avoid excessive bidding on any Saints players, and I will be eating a veritable feast of curry, mushy peas and beans the evening before to enable me to wage a form of chemical warfare on the other GMs and make this a war of attrition as much as one of wits. Or perhaps I will be doing none of the above. By turning up on the correct day, at the correct time, I suspect I will have a significant advantage over a couple of the other coaches.”

And so, given the general tenor of the interview, it seems only right to end by asking a direct question about his opponents. What message does he want to send out to them?

“Are you going to put money towards a second place trophy, so you have something to compete for each year?”

David Slater: You’ve got to love him, or you’ll lose your shit.

 

The Dyna Hard Man of The DynaBowl

I have to confess, before we start, that I may not have approached this interview in the right frame of mind. Just an hour before, I had ended a particularly bizarre and disturbing interview with Ben Archer and between his departure and my next subject’s arrival I had been dealing with some vague symptoms of PTSD by drinking about a quarter of a bottle of Scotch.

No need to worry though, because when Chris Braithwaite arrives it’s clear that he has prepared in a similar way. Not by interviewing a borderline psychotic who makes you fear for the life of an elite athlete, but by drinking a substantial quantity of alcohol. Still, he appears to have timed his arrival well, having seemingly just hit the sweet-spot of having drunk himself sober.

His current state possibly explains the unusual arrangements that have been agreed for his DynaBowl franchise, Dyna Hard. While the team will retain the franchise name, each year Braithwaite intends to take the team to a different locale, with variations on the name to suit the new surroundings. Is he worried that this may turn the team into a bit of a travelling circus?

“Travelling? Yes. Circus? Probably. But fans of the Chatterbowl know that I favour a high scoring approach, and that’s the sort of thing that fans love. We just want to bring our brand of fantasy football to as many fans as possible, and damn the global warming consequences.”

Roll Up! Roll Up! For the Greatest Show On Earth! It's The DynaBowl!
Roll Up! Roll Up! For the Greatest Show On Earth! It’s The DynaBowl!

Ah, the Chatterbowl. The proving grounds for many a DynaBowl GM, and Braithwaite has certainly done that. While he may not have won the big one yet, he has been top scorer in the regular season in both years the competition has been running, and as far as he’s concerned he’s only been getting better.

“I think my performance last year was more impressive than in my rookie year of the Chatterbowl. In my rookie year I got Calvin Johnson in his record-breaking year in the first round, and snagged Adrian Peterson’s exploded knee in the second. Then I just rode their two god-seasons to the playoffs.”

And in 2013? “Last year I had a much more balanced team, despite being handed something of a dud out of the draft thanks to missing it due to a hangover.”

It’s hard to believe that he’s not used to the hangovers by now and couldn’t have powered through, but who dares stop an alcoholic in full flow? He continues:

“My problem has always been that I never have a good reliable QB, and have to roll into the playoffs with a guy like Carson Palmer. Actually, I have had good reliable QBs, I’ve just traded them for awful, unreliable QBs. So that’s a bit of a priority this year. This year I’m just getting Sam Bradford and being done with it.”

It’s not always clear when it’s the booze talking and when there’s some actual sense springing forth. In this case it’s pretty clear which is which.

Still, an interview subject well lubricated and ready talk is a journalists dream and, outside of all the bullshit, you never know when some hidden gem may come out. More than any other GM I have had the privilege (or otherwise) of talking to so far, Braithwaite is happy to illuminate on his true thoughts which leaves me with a mild moral quandary, one which is easily resolved when I remember that I don’t have any morals but I do have the PIN to his answer phone.

So how does he feel The DynaBowl will differ from the Chatterbowl experience?

“I think the key to Dynabowl will be even-keel management and long range planning,” he says, quoting directly from Dynasty Football 101 and, rather unfortunately, almost losing his balance on his chair as he says the words ‘even-keel’.

“I have a feeling that we’ll have a few teams who are well managed and perennial contenders, a few that are regular bottom feeders, and some that’ll be like the like the Texans and go from good to terrible and back to good in blinks of an eye. I feel I’m likely to be in that final category, just because of my tendency to be awful at long term planning and my love of making occasionally inspired trades. And regularly awful trades.”

So who will those teams be, the regular contenders and the bottom feeders? Braithwaite’s not afraid to name names.

“While Goody [James Goodson – Sundance] showed incredible beginner’s luck last year, I think the presence of Mat [Ward] will cancel that out for him this year. D-Slatz [David Slater, Dynasore Losers] is always a contender because he knows his onions. He also tends to have unpopular opinions about players which often turn out to be right, which is a good quality to have in Dynabowl. I suspect Hendy and Manboob [Commissioner & Deputy Commissioner respectively] have been secretly gaming the scoring system so that they can take advantage of some hidden point scoring opportunities though, which makes them hard to look past. Really, everyone has a chance. Apart from Ben [Archer, teamed with Dan Sayles] and Mark [Simpson, teamed with Neil Hawke], obviously.”

I can only put the lack of mention for maverick wildcards Kelkowski down to the struggle to recall their name, which is hard enough to remember sober.

Still, accusation of collusion over point scoring brings us onto the subject of the rules. The Commissioner has produced an in-depth rule book which runs to several volumes and which has raised the ire of some GMs. Braithwaite sits up straight and his eyes widen at the mention of rules. A glob of saliva drips from the corner of his mouth as he ventures forth his opinion.

“I’m a big fan of rules. It’s best to have as many potential issues covered off before we start, because everyone can look at them from a neutral perspective. Once rule changes might affect one person more than another, the league runs the risk of owners flouncing out, and while that is a proud part of the Chatterbowl history, it’ll be awkward in Dynabowl. I’m not sure how we can marry up stability with our one-flounce-per-season minimum though.”

Ah, the flounce. Something Braithwaite has yet to partake in himself. His style is more passive-aggressive, disappearing for days, if not weeks, at a time before re-emerging as if nothing has happened. I put it to him that this, in its own way, is a flounce. “Look, fuck off,” is all I get by way of a response, and for a moment I think he might flounce the rest of the interview. No such luck though as he continues to talk at me. Apropos of nothing he raises the question of Michael Sam, the first openly gay player to enter the NFL.

“I don’t think Dyna Hard, despite the homoerotic suggestion of the team name, would be the right environment for him. I don’t want to ruin the surprise of our travel plans, but from year 5 and beyond, when you’d expect him to be in his prime, we’re likely to be in some fairly inhospitable environments for people of his lifestyle.”

Is ‘lifestyle’ the right word to use? It makes it sound like Sam has chosen his path. Braithwaite waves away my interjection to contiunue.

“That being said though, if he shows the talent to make him worth a DynaBowl roster spot, I won’t hesitate to force him to play in a place that’ll make him feel somewhere between “deeply culturally uncomfortable” and “at constant risk of arrest or stoning”. Because at that point I’ll respect his potential talent so much, obviously.”

He tries to bring things back to a more PC level. “You can’t refuse to employ a player just because the city he’s playing in might be awful for him to live in. Otherwise how would the Buffalo Bills exist?”

But what about the locker room, I ask. Is there anyone you couldn’t sign if you brought Sam onto the team? I’m not convinced he understood what I was asking though as he seemed to imply he would want to roster definitely-maybe-a-murderer Aaron Hernandez.

“Well probably Aaron Hernandez, just because if we knew one of our players was going to be murdered by a team mate, it’d be good to have predicted the culprit in advance.”

Apparently this is a good point for Braithwaite to wave his hand and order more service, despite this bar not featuring wait staff. Still, his demands for booze are met and a lavish tip is left.

Back to The DynaBowl, how prepared is he for the demands of a salary cap league? His answer is unsurprising.

“Is ‘hope for the best’ a strategy?” he asks back. I barely offer a shrug before he goes on, “If not, is ‘hope for the best while getting drunk’?” He raises his glass and cheerses my empty hand before knocking back another slug of whiskey.

“I have no clue how the cap will factor into strategy. I tend to be quite confident in my valuations of players, and did really well in the auction league last year because of that, so I have a feeling I will either be setting the market early in the draft as everyone has players undervalued to my eyes, or I’ll be sitting there with no players waiting for everyone else to run out of money. My main actual strategy will be to do tonnes of research, and then stick rigidly to my board. If I end up with 5 players and left with 45 $1 players, at least I can then blame Excel, rather than myself. Right?”

It feels like a plea for absolution in the event of him messing everything up, but it will only be the Dyna Hard fans who can grant him that, not me.

Finally I feel I need to raise the drinking issue. The league has it in its powers to enact some harsh penalties. Is he concerned that he might fall foul of the alcohol-related substance abuse policy? His reaction is not encouraging.

He stands and says, “There’s a league policy on alcohol abuse? Is it that alcohol abuse is mandatory?” before finishing off his drink, high-fiving himself, turning, tripping over his chair, falling flat on his face and then urinating where he lies.

It’s going to be an eventful season.

Chris Briathwaite yesterday: An artist's impression
Chris Briathwaite yesterday: An artist’s impression