Author: Commish

About Commish

I am the Commissioner of the DynaBowl Fantasy Football Dynasty League. What I say goes.

Here Comes The Brees

Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar
Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar

Our interview is far from conventional. He insists we meet downstairs in a darkened corner of a bar called The Cave which fully lives up to its name, with its craggy stone walls and the lingering feeling you’re going to be trapped down there forever, hopefully without the creatures from The Descent.

He arrives late, constantly looking over both shoulders. He’s unnerved. Uncomfortable. And in disguise. Or is he? A disguise should make you blend in, make people ignore you, pay no attention. He is wearing a number 9 black New Orleans Saints shirt, fitted underneath with NFL shoulder pads (but none of the other padding) and he wears a Drew Brees mask over his face. If I hadn’t been warned, I think I would have run a mile.

This is Ben Archer, co-manager with Dan Sayles of one of the DynaBowl franchises, the name for which is not up for discussion, I am told in no uncertain terms. It’s only speculation, but I can’t help wondering if the reason for this is that Sayles will not tolerate talk of calling the team the Saints. It’s certainly clear that there’s plenty Sayles won’t tolerate and that’s the reason Archer insists on our meeting being so clandestine. I’m not sure if he really grasps the fact that our conversation is being recorded and will, ultimately, be published for all to see. Including Sayles.

I ask him if Sayles is easier to work with than he is to interview and it’s obvious that Archer is rattled. I’m afraid he’s going to bolt. Perhaps I should have started with something easier.

“Dan is a private man, and wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was talking to you today,” he says, as if that’s not obvious. “But that privacy is all part of a cunning… Oh wait I can’t talk about that. Don’t put that in the interview right, it’s just between us. I’ll start again, Dan is a private man but a damn fine manager, only this morning we were talking draft tactics and he said… No wait, I can’t say that either, you nearly caught me out there. You won’t include any of this right? I’ll try again. Dan is a private man, a damn fine manager and I expect good things from this partnership. He’s the brains, I’m the other one.”

The last sentence appears to be the first one that Archer is completely comfortable saying.

I try to take things are from the subject of Sayles and on to something he feels he can talk freely about, but when I query his crumbling in the latter stages of the 2013 Chatterbowl season he makes a startling admission. “I blame the stresses of being in China on that scouting trip, I told Dan that I wouldn’t be able to find a Chinese guy to play quarterback and I was right, they’re just too small. Even if they are bigger than Drew Brees.”

The DynaBowl wasn’t announced until after Archer returned from China, his team-up with Sayles until well into 2014. Is this just another sign of the mental hold Sayles has over Archer or is there something more suspicious going on? Was Sayles responsible for the bad decision making at the core of Archer’s capitulation? Archer clams up when I press him on the matter. Instead, he has alighted on the one matter he is happy to talk freely about, even if he’s not allowed to.

Me: “Who are you targeting in the auction?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about signing Drew Brees in the first round.”

Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose
Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose

Me: “Is Drew Brees the source of much conflict between you and Dan Sayles?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about spending every dollar we have on Drew Brees.”

Me: “What do you see as the primary differences between the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl?”

Archer: “I really want to sign Drew Brees, I will have to beg Dan.”

Me: “Are you up to speed on the rules? There have been murmurings of discontent from other league members about having to read a Russian novel of a rulebook.”

Archer: “Seriously, Drew Brees, how fricking awesome is that man. What, the rules? well the rules pack was a bit in depth, but Dan assures me it’s fine, I mean I’ve not read them, I’m just going on gut instinct, I know what makes a good player. He has to be 6ft tall and 209lbs, and one of the best damn passers in the league that’s what makes a good player.

Me: “Drew Brees isn’t 6 feet tall. Anyway, what do you think your chances are in The DynaBowl? When might you get your hands on the trophy?”

Archer: “Just going back to Brees, no other quarterback has put up his kind of numbers ever. Back to back to back 5000+ yards passing, with more than 40 TDs in two of those seasons. The only quarterback ever with 4 5000+ yards seasons. I mean what a guy.”

At this point in our talk Archer excuses himself to go to the bathroom and I am left grateful. His excitement is palpable, perhaps a little too palpable, but seemingly pointed in the wrong direction. Fortunately, when he returns he’s able to talk a little more coherently, the descent into madness abated, however briefly. I steer the conversation away from football to establish some firmer ground.

Once upon a time Archer had a burgeoning career in statistical analysis, a dream that has died a Brees-related death, but I take him back to those happy days, a time when he completed his degree based on the analysis of baseball. His system flushed, he finally pulls the Brees mask off his face and, with a twinkle in his eye, momentarily drifts back in time.

“Baseball has always been my passion, the fresh smell of the outfield grass, the crack of bat on the ball, and there’s no reason I can’t take that kind of level of statistical analysis to the gridiron. I’ve been pulling data recently for a statistical model but it all depends on the final scoring system which I believe will be finalised soon. Then I can really start crunching some numbers.”

Whether Sayles allows him to or takes any notice is a different matter entirely, of course. So how is the draft board coming in preparation for the auction?

“The prep is going well, the draft board is taking shape, we have our main targets, first and foremost is of course… No wait, you’re good at this, you lulled me in and almost got me to tell you our strategy there. You’re keeping me on edge here. I thought you said this was a relaxed interview. The questions are too probing, can we just move on?”

“Who are the biggest threats then? Who do you think will rival you to take the title?” I ask, before my mischievous side takes over and I add “Besides anyone fielding Brees.”

“No one… No one else is taking Brees. He’s mine, he’s mine.” He takes a moment, breathing deep, calming himself. “Rivals. Well, everyone’s a rival. But I guess the main one would be D-slatz [David Slater, GM of the Dynasore Losers]. He talks a big game but he needs to be taken down a peg or two. I mean what has he ever won? As for the winner? Well I’d say the Commish himself stands the best chance as he’s likely the only one that really understands the rules.”

He pauses, pulls the mask back down over his face, stands up and says in a very threatening tone “But no one is taking Drew Brees away from me.”

And with that he runs away from the table and up the stairs shouting “I’m Drew Brees. Me. I am him. I am Drew Brees”. And then he’s gone, and I can feel the whole establishment breathe a sigh of relief.

Auction Player List

This is an Excel (2007) file containing a list of players available for auction in July. While availability of players may change, and some people on this list may be cut or move teams, this will be the base list used. It is the GMs responsibility to be aware of changes that occur. If a player is bought from this list on the basis of the team they play for and that is not accurate, fault lies with the GM, not the league.

 

DynaBowl Auction Player List

The Tamworth Two

Mat Ward (left) and James 'Goody' Goodson
Mat Ward (left) and James ‘Goody’ Goodson

In January 1998, two Tamworth pigs escaped as they were being unloaded at an abattoir and went on to become a national and international cause celebre. Subsequently named Butch and Sundance, the pair were spared their certain death when The Daily Mail bought them and their exclusive story. Sixteen years later, their story is just a distant memory (the pigs died in 2010 and 2011 aged 13 and 14), but it comes rushing back to me when I ask Mat Ward and James ‘Goody’ Goodson about their DynaBowl franchise. Despite being awarded the an organisation in the fantasy NFL start-up, the pair have yet to name or locate their team and I want to know about their plans.

“Has anyone taken Tamworth?” asks Ward, an experienced tri-athlete and clearly the ‘Butch’ of this partnership, “Is Tamworth still available?”

At least the pair are singing from the same hymnsheet. “Tamworth? I hope Tamworth is available. It’s the type of intimidating locale we should be aiming for,” says Sundance… sorry, Goody.

It’s difficult to tell if they’re serious, but if the stadium plans on display in their office on the 85th floor of The Shard in central London is anything to go by then Tamworth is in for some serious regeneration. The 250,000 capacity stadium would be the largest in the world, something truly unprecedented, but at the moment it is only a pipedream.

As they appear coy about the plans for their franchise I change tack and ask about their working relationship.

“Our working relationship is very much in its nascent stages,” says Ward. “Although, I think we are agreed that James is the Head Coach and I am the waterboy.” Goody is a little more candid. ” I don’t think there will be one lead, more of a synergy of visions. A dynamic hybrid of wit and cunning. Our relationship will be the definition of ‘nuanced’. I don’t even care if that doesn’t make sense.”

It’s clear they are close. Their office features two offset desks pointing in opposite directions; between them what’s normally referred to as a ‘kissing bench’ ensures the pair are always on hand to each other.

Ward & Goodson's choice of office furniture
Ward & Goodson’s choice of office furniture

Goody sets the bar high for the partnership. ” To summarise, I think Mat and I will be the best joint managers since Steve Gritt and Alan Curbishley took over Charlton in 1991. You have been warned.”

Of course, the close working relationship can’t last, with Ward due to return to America in under a month, narrowly missing out on a chance to attend the DynaBowl auction in Sheffield on July 12.

“I’d love to make an appearance at the auction, but unfortunately it’ll have to be via video conference rather than in person,” he laments. But being bi-continental has its advantages. “With the time difference we will be able to work on our team approximately 20 hours a day without losing sleep.” It’s also clear he’s also been learning from the best: “We’ve managed to have a brief conversation or two with some league connections. I can’t reveal any names, but I will say that I’ve picked up some tips on spying on NFL teams in training.”

Belichick - "An inspiration and Adonis"
Belichick – “An inspiration and Adonis”

Goody agrees that a man on the ground across the pond will be advantageous, but it’s also obvious he expects a lot from his colleague. ” I like a tight ship. I would be disappointed if I don’t have a scout report in my inbox each Friday after Thursday Night Football from Mat.”

The light tone of the conversation comes down a little when I ask about their preparations. Both men took charge of teams in the Chatterbowl in 2013 and will be doing so again in 2014, but the DynaBowl is a whole different beast – one of Mason Verger’s killer pigs to the Chatterbowl’s sweet Tamworth piglets. So how do they feel their experiences in the Chatterbowl will prepare them?

” I love two things in life,” says Goody, “Hazing and spreadsheets. Both are mutually beneficial to the NFL. I enjoyed learning about it as a complete noob and got sucked in to reading several blogs or columns a week about it. By about 3 weeks in, I had a few spreadsheets on the go and knew who was under performing and who I wanted in the free agency.”

His preparation and research paid off as he went to the playoffs as the number 1 seed, but a disastrous 56 point performance in the semi-finals put paid to his title dreams, eventually securing the 3rd place finish. “It was tough and I still have limited knowledge on the whole thing,” he confesses. “In one way our inexperience may help us see the wood through the trees. Or maybe blow up in our faces with more busts than booms.”

Ward wasn’t quite as successful, narrowly missing the playoffs in a tight division that came down to the last week. He subsequently ‘won’ the loser ladder and a 9th place finish in the league. ” It was a pretty steep learning curve but part of me feels that coming to league with no preconceptions helped. It will be good to start the new season with a broader knowledge base of players. The big difference is the inclusion of defensive players. I’ve head of this Revis guy and the bully guy but that’s about it.”

Of course, you shouldn’t take those statements at face value. The approach of the auction means it’s every team’s duty to sell misinformation about knowledge and targets. Underestimate these two at your peril.

” James Goodson is one of the sharpest minds in fantasy sports. I’m relying on him to pick up most of the Denver Broncos’ offense remarkably cheaply again,” says Ward, referring to Goody’s Chatterbowl strategy.

One of the targets that it’s pretty well known they’re keen on is Andrew Luck, but recent analysis has shown he might not be the valuable investment people think he is. What do the pair make of that?

Mat takes the lead: “Andrew Luck is the greatest prospect since Elway. Good ‘Luck’ outbidding us for him.” But as he says it the air turns heavy. Is this the first sign of troubled waters in Tamworth?

“Mat took my only Andrew Luck joke,” says Goody, through gritted teeth, before letting on the terms he might consider sinking to should they be out bid for the QB of his dream and be negotiating a trade. “It’s no secret that I [will] suck for Luck.”

And why does he view the QB nicknamed Andrew The Giant? ” He’s an all round nice guy who falls within a nice ethical framework for our franchise. Which will probably be based out of Tamworth. No racists, no bullies, no safeties that have got away with homicide. You get the picture.”

So this is a franchise that will be investing for the long term? “Seriously, I think it’s a trap to get too focused on the medium to long-term and be always playing for 3 seasons’ time,” says Ward. “The key focus should be on the upcoming season.”

” Mat is right,” says Goody, the storm clouds now passed. “You can’t be too caught up on the long term. Even the most ardent Draft scouts regularly get it wrong. The average peak for most players is only a couple of years, which means, although it’s a high risk environment, the continual turnover of the next ‘big thing’ is pretty accommodating.”

“Still, that doesn’t mean I won’t be turning up to Sheffield with several spreadsheets, my Bluetooth headset on, and Mat on speed dial. We will have the best war room. As Mat always says, buy cheap, buy twice. We want the best players.”

As frequently as the pair speak as if they are the left and right sides of one brain, ever so often a disparity seeps through, as happens when I ask the key questions.

Who are the pre-auction favourites?

Goody: Whoever gets Andrew Luck.

Ward: Us. Next Question.

And what’s a realistic goal for the team going into the inaugural season?

Goody: To have a jolly good time and try our best. Hurrah!

Ward: DynaBowl or bust!

Either way, for Butch and Sundance, the DynaBowl is jumping in at the deep end.

Ward & Goodson dive into the DynaBowl
Ward & Goodson dive into the DynaBowl

Most Haunted: The 4th Dynmension

Trapped in an ethereal plain in a dimension outside of the human reality, it was impossible to conduct this interview face to face with The 4th Dynmension’s supremo Geoffrey Manboob (GM).  Therefore, resident Dynabowl beat writer Jaunty Coving (JC) had to conduct the interview through disgraced local Sheffield psychic, Alain C’Untface (AC).

“Fill me up.”

JC: Good Morning Alain, are you ready to start?  How does this work?
AC: Ah, Jaunty.  Let me light these candles and we can get started.  Close the curtains, would you old thing and we can begin.
JC: OK
AC: I’m starting to sense a presence.  Hello?  Spirits of the afterlife, do you hear me?  I mean you no harm.  I have come to speak with the one they call Manboob.  Geoffrey, are you there?  Let me be your vessel to our reality.  Speak through me!
JC: Is it working?
AC: I can feel you Geoffrey.  Come deep inside me.  Fill me up.  Let us become one.
AC starts convulsing violently, writhing around on the floor.  Suddenly he stops and sits up still.
GM: Hello Dave.
JC: Mr Manboob, is that you?
GM: Yes Dave, it is I.
JC: Well shall we begin?

“I can count up to 50.”

JC:  How do you feel your experience in the Chatterbowl has helped you coming into the DynaBowl?
GM: Look, the Chatterbowl and DynaBowl are completely different beasts.  It’s like comparing oranges with… blood oranges.  What I do have is a wealth of experience following the game (circa 25 years) and a real love of all things defensive.  Having said that I have shown in the Chatterbowl that I can successfully tank and trade away anyone for future draft picks.  The “Dynasty of Sadness” will always be building for the future and about two seasons away from a great roster.
JC: You’ve developed something of a bitter rivalry with David Slater [GM of the Dynasore Losers].  Are you looking forward to renewing the rivalry twice a year?
GM: It’s appropriate that D-Slatz is a Jets fan because green is certainly a colour that suits him.  I’m not a massive fan of jealousy, but I admire that it’s a trait he has in spades (that and flouncing out of the huddle).  I’m happy that I’m able to inspire him to reach the dizzying heights of mediocrity.  In doing that at least I’m also helping the league improve.  Literally dragging him up by his boot straps.

What Would Jason Campbell Do?

JC: How are the auction preparations coming along?  The dynasty auction is very different from the drafts you’ve previously been involved in.
GM:  Pretty well, Dave.  I’ve checked and I can count up to 50 so I’m well ahead of at least half of the league in that respect.  It’s building momentum so I’ll be ready come draft day.
JC: And do you have any specific players you are looking to sign to the roster?
GM: Skill positions are going to be key so don’t be surprised if I grab 2 punters and 2 kickers with my first 4 picks.  Having said that, Jason Campbell sits top of my draft board.  Only a fool wouldn’t have him there
JC: What’s a realistic goal for your team this season?
GM: Tank and tank hard.  We’ll sink quicker than a Korean ferry.

Chopsticks + Wildcard = Danger

JC: You’ve been appointed Deputy Commissioner for the league, are you excited about the possibilities that this brings?  Do you think it calls into question the judgement of Commissioner Benjamin Hendy?
GM: “Bendy” clearly has terrible judgement, look at the rabble he’s recruited for this league.  However, I’m sure we’ll work well in tandem to mete out swift justice to those who play against the rule.  I will literally be the iron fist to his velvet glove.
JC: Who do you think is the most dangerous coach out there?
GM: Rumour has it that Chris is a member of the KKK, so he has to be up there.  Mark is 1/8th Native American and I’ve seen him catch a fly with some chopsticks.  Phil is definitely the wildcard.  All three are a danger to themselves and probably anyone else in their vicinity.
JC: And finally, do you have any specific messages for the rest of the league prior to the auction?
GM: Dave, would you like to buy some pegs?
JC:  Geoffrey Manboob, thank you for your time.  It’s been an absolute pleasure.
GM:  Thank you Dave, you’re my wife now… Give me your ring!

BOOM goes the Dynablaster

As a driving force behind the creation of the DynaBowl, Benjamin Hendy has a lot to live up to. It’s clear that the stresses and strains of such a linchpin position have started to take their toll the moment you see just how far his hairline has receded over the past 20 years. When I ask him about how he’s coping he jokes “I just wish my beard would start to go grey and cover up the ginger flecks.” Self-deprecation seems to undercut everything he says, and while he’s clearly desperate for his franchise, the Dynablaster Bombermen, to succeed, he’s also wary of raising expectations too high.

“It’s a double-edged sword,” he says, when asked about his twin roles in formulating the league and rule book and running a franchise. “I know the rules probably better than anyone else, but the time I spend working in the league central office is time I’m not spending scouting players and formulating our draft board.”

It’s lucky, then, that he’s teaming up with Dan Smith. “Yes and no. And the only negative there is that Dan won’t be at the auction. I’ll be playing the role of auctioneer and GM bidding on players. Dan is doing invaluable work valuing players and formulating strategy, but it’s all for nought if I can’t pull it off on the day.”

Ah yes, auction strategy. The start-up league requires a method for all players to be assigned to teams and the auction provides a fairer way for players to be distributed, allowing every team an equal shot at any player they wish to chase. It’s a format which is unfamiliar to most of the league members.

“I ran an auction start-up last year” confides Hendy, “Eight teams, deep rosters. I learnt a lot of lessons from the way I ballsed that up.” He allows himself a chuckle, but the implications of messing up the DynaBowl auction run much deeper. Every player will be assigned a contract and each team will be stuck with what they have, unless they can trade or draft (or more likely a combination of the two) their way out of it.

Hendy’s team in The Chatterbowl was also unsuccessful, ending up with a 15th place finish, after coming 3rd in year 1. “I had a terrible draft. Just terrible. I reached. I took too many rookies. Things went wrong right from the beginning when I kept Ray Rice instead of LeSean McCoy. I ummed and ahhed over that one and went with conventional wisdom rather than gut, which was a mistake. But then my entire draft was gut instinct and I buggered that up too.”

“But I’ve learnt an awful lot over the last 12 months. I feel that year 1 of the Chatterbowl was almost beginners luck. Like the guy at the card table who sits down and turns over aces first hand. Second year I got dealt a bad hand – I dealt myself a bad hand – and then spent the rest of the season dealing with that. I made some good trades and waiver pick-ups, I improved my draft position for this year and have a strong keeper in Gio Bernard.”

“I’ll be disappointed without a much stronger Chatterbowl showing and I expect to be able to pull together a decent roster for the Bombermen too. And Dan is integral to that.”

He places a great emphasis on that last part, making sure that it’s clear this is a team effort. Smith has been a Chatterbowl contender in both seasons and is a strong team member and it’s clear that Hendy wants to make sure those strengths are utilised.

“You can’t waste those talents. He knows his stuff. He can evaluate talent better than I can. It’s vital to ensure that, despite the 3,000 miles between us, we work as harmoniously as possible.”

And looking forward, I ask him, how have you strategised for the auction?

“We know the players we are targeting, we feel we have some values worked out. But it’s a mystery, right? We have no idea how any other team is going to play that auction. Is someone going to come out and blow $200 on Calvin Johnson [the budget is $500 for 50 players]? That’s what makes this so tough. You can’t have one strategy, you’ve got to have 10, or 20. You’ve got to be prepared for everything that gets thrown your way.”

“We know the team structure we want, we know what we’d like to spend and who we’d like to spend it on. We have our eyes on some sleepers, but in 3 months time will they still be sleepers? Who knows?”

But then that’s what this is, a journey into the great Fantasy unknown, I say.

“Aye, that it is,” he says. “That it is.”