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IMPOSTER – 2016 Chatterbowl Preview

Dyna Hard GM Chris Braithwaite is here to provide a preview of the 2016 Chatterbowl on the day after the draft:

All position groups were ranked out of 16 and scored accordingly. The scores for running backs and wide receivers were doubled due to the size of those groups.

Running Outta Shrimp

QB – 10/16 – Brees is generally reliable (6th last year, projected 5th this year), but he’s at the age when a QB starts to decline, and as Manning showed last year, when a QB declines, he really falls off. Therefore I’ve dinged a mark for the lack of a backup plan, even if it may never be used.

RB – 32/32 – This is the first team I’ve looked at, but I suspect it may be the best RB stable in the league. There are risks (Elliot may take time to get the pro game, Martin may not try as hard now he has a big contract, Stewart might get hurt, Jones might lose his starting job, Ajayi probably won’t be a starter unless Foster goes down), but there’s also a chance there might be 5 worthy starters in any given week.

WR – 2/32 – As the RB is strong, WR is weak. Tate has the potential to be a #1 WR, but its likely that at best he is WR1.5 alongside Marvin Jones. White has draft pedigree, but he’s lost a year to injury, has looked bad in preseason and, frankly (in my opinion), wasn’t a great prospect from a production standpoint anyway. Charles Johnson has looked good in preseason, but he did last year too and caught about 4 passes.

TE – 6/16 – Tough call. If Graham is back to 80% of his best, he’s an every week starter at TE. If he’s where he was last season… well, to be honest, he’s still probably an every week starter in a 16 team league. Just not a great one.

K/D – 15/16 – The Seahawks have the potential to start every week and the Patriots produce pretty well when they have easy matchups. Catanzaro is a dreadful kicker (5 missed XPs last year) but he’s on a good offense so should get at least average (if not higher) points just from the opportunities.

Overall – 65/112 (5th) – This is a good team, but somewhat brittle. If we were back in the days of the 2RB league, they’d be a point higher, but needing 2 of those 3 WRs to produce each week is a risk. Trading an RB for a decent WR would be a good move.

Shire City Barons

QB – 16/16 – Cam is about as reliable as a QB can be. He’s shown durability and he runs well. He’s unlikely to be outside the top 4 QBs this year.

RB – 10/32 – Sneakily not bad. The talent level is probably better than the likely production though. Hyde has potential (especially in Chip’s RB friendly offense) to be a top 5 back, but he’s not always been healthily and has a concussion at the mo. A handcuff might be worthwhile here. Yeldon looks like he could be very good, but will be splitting carries with Chris Ivory, which probably caps his output at about 800 yards. Despite Freeman’s season last year, Coleman still has a good chance for a decent volume in Atlanta, but like Yeldon his situation probably limits him to about 800 yards. Vereen has a similar limit, but more due to his skill set than his situation. If one of Yeldon or Coleman breaks out and Hyde stays healthy, this is a good group. In all likelihood, it’ll be kinda average.

WR – 2/32 – Nothing really needs saying about OBJ. Lockett has a hell of a lot of upside, but there aren’t a great deal of targets to go around in Seattle if the running game is working, so he may underperform a little. Or he may break out as the most physically talented receiver in that offense. Snead is fairly mediocre but the high volume offense gives him an outside shot at around 1,000 yards. Fuller seems to have been doing well in preseason, but he’s likely to be a boom or bust option most weeks, which makes him a tough play in fantasy. Boyd seems like he might be quite a reliable producer (but with a lower ceiling). Kearse is Lockett insurance. There’s good talent here, but only one reliable producer, which means one of the three rookies or sophomores will need to produce.

TE – 10/16 – Ertz is a perfectly fine tight end, but he’s unlikely to threaten to step up into the Gronk sort of region.

K/D – 7/16 – Prater has been fairly unreliable in his career, as has the Detroit offence. He could be fine,  but a week-to-week streaming tactic seems likely here, which can be tricky in a 16-teamer. The Jets D is good, potentially very good. They have a division with some tough offenses though, so a backup might be necessary.

Overall – 55/112 (11th) – There’s good talent here, but a lot of it is handicapped by situation or experience. Newton and OBJ should guarantee at least a middle of the pack finish, but at least one RB and one WR will need to breakout for there to be much of a shot at the title.

The Factory of Sadness

QB – 1/16 – Griffin is an interesting gamble. If he starts running again, even if he’s average in reality he should be a good in fantasy. Tannehill is a fairly reliable backup if Griffin flames out, but neither of them is likely to be a top 8 guy.

RB – 2/32 – Duke Johnson is a good player, but he’s unlikely to be a major fantasy factor in a non-PPR league (this is non-PPR, right?). The rest of the RBs (Derrick Henry, Bilal Powell, DeAndre Washington) could all be good, but require an injury to the starter first. Henry might at least be a TD vulture. If he’s not, I suspect this team is starting 1 RB and 4 WRs each week.

WR – 28/32 – Evans is good and will likely improve on his terrible TD output from last season. Baldwin isn’t quite as good and will likely regress from his amazing TD output from last season. Between them, that should even out to about similar to last year’s production. Floyd is in a contract year in a good offense. He might be the most reliable WR in that group too. Diggs has been getting great reviews during camp and seems to be the clear #1 in Minnesota. But #1 in a Shaun Hill run offense isn’t doing much.  Treadwell is good insurance against a Diggs injury, but again, he’s not going to do much in a Hill-run offence.

TE – 16/16 – Gronk.

K/D – 6/16 – Boswell is similar to Catanzaro, in that its not clear if he’s any good, but he’s in a great situation for volume in the Pittsburgh offense. Unless they go for two regularly (I believe they led the league in this last season). The Titans D? That’s a streaming strategy if every I saw one.

Overall – 53/132 (13th) – Good WR and TE situations, but the QB and RB are likely to drag them down.

Brett Favre’s Junk Calls

QB – 6/16 – Everything I said about Drew Brees applies to Carson Palmer, except he has a lower ceiling. If he doesn’t get old or hurt, he’ll be fine. If he does, it’s an ugly situation.

RB – 26/32 – It’s a thin group, but a damn good one. Both Miller and Murray could easily rank in the top 5 RBs this year. Neither has a great injury history, but if both can be healthy its a great pairing. If only one does, it’s still better than some other teams. CJ Prosise is unlikely to be a factor though. I’d rather have a handcuff for either of the top guys.

WR – 26/32 – Dez, if healthy, should be good for a least 1,000 yards, even with Dak under centre. He might well blow up once Romo returns too, which would be good for the likely playoff challenge this team will be mounting. Edelman is very reliable, but might be slow out of the gates while Brady is suspended. Parker was very good at the end of last season, but seems to have slipped to number 3 on the depth chart and has his coach criticising him. As a third WR though, he’s pretty good. Matthews should be a fairly reliable guy, although his ceiling is quite low. He should be good for 5-8 points a week though, which isn’t bad as a backup. Coleman is a wildcard who could be great and could be terrible this year. Lack of competition seems to dictate that he’ll get decent volume. Ginn is likely to be relegated to number 3 this year and isn’t likely to be much of a factor.

TE – 11/16 – Bennett should be a good play most weeks, but he’ll probably be shut out occasionally. Cook has been very good in preseason, but he’s done that many times before. He’s very unreliable, so with the return of Nelson and Cobb being healthy again, he’s likely to be a distant third option at best. A lot of upside though.

K/D – 12/16 – Cairo Santos should be perfectly acceptable. The Panthers D is probably one of the best in the league. Both positions can probably be happily ignored outside of byes.

Overall – 81/132 (1st) – This is a very good team. QB and RB are fragile groups, but if they can stay reasonably healthy this should be a strong contender.

Woah Woah Woah Fitzmagic

QB – 12/16 – Rodgers is an elite option, but doesn’t have quite the upside of the likes of Newton or Wilson. Fitz is a perfectly adequate backup, but not really worth a roster spot unless Rodgers has a very early bye.

RB – 8/32 – McCoy is very good but possibly declining, Jennings is very average but in a decent situation at least for this year. Kenneth Dixon will be a non-factor early on and its a crowded backfield anyway. I feel this group is fairly reliable, but lacks much chance of outperforming expectations.

WR – 4/32 – One of the weaker groups in the league. Decker is probably a good second WR, Fitzgerald is probably a good third WR, but there’s definitely a lack of top WR here. I can tell you that from a year or two of watching him, Kenny Britt is a big sack of crap. Even with little competition, he’s not going to do much.

TE – 7/16 – I guess that you have two likely every week starters, which is good. However, it seems that the plan is to play one as the FLEX starter, which is not good. Witten could hit that old man wall any day now (and is likely in a much lower volume passing attack for the first half of the year).  Fleener has the physical skills, but hasn’t been getting great reviews in training camp. Both could be good. Both could be perfectly mediocre TEs (and bad FLEX options).

K/D – 16/16 – Crosby is a good kicker on an excellent yet conservative offense. Denver’s D is brilliant. Two reliable options who will likely be around the top 5 in the season. Josh Brown should be cut by this team, and by the Giants. For fantasy purposes, he’s not great and there’s no need for a backup kicker to Crosby (again, unless there’s an early GB bye I guess).

Overall – 47/132 (15th) – I’m not a fan of this team. Rodgers is good, but the RBs and WRs are fairly poor, the TEs aren’t great. When the best groups on your team are QB, D and kicker, in reality you’ve got a good team. In fantasy you don’t.

McLovin It

QB – 4/16 – You like that? Not massively. Cousins is a big risk, as he really only has half a season of good performance. Smith is a fairly adequate backup, but if Cousins doesn’t produce, you’re not going to want Smith starting every week.

RB – 16/32 – Freeman did well last season as a receiver, but I’m still far from convinced. Ivory should be good, but the likely splitting of work with Yeldon does limit him a bit. He’ll probably get the goalline work though, which is good. Sproles tends to be good for about 4-6 points a week, which makes him a nice reliable fill in. Morris has little upside outside of a Elliot injury or the Cowboys running an Exotic Smashmouth West offense.

WR – 14/32 – Not an inspiring group, but a pretty reliable one. Marshall and Maclin should fairly easily be top 30 WRs, and Jackson could easily perform to that level too. Aiken produced well last season, but it remains to be seen whether that was a function of there being no one else to pass the ball to in Baltimore.

TE – 13/16 – Greg Olsen is a generally excellent and reliable TE. He’ll finish somewhere between 3rd and 6th without ever having a great week or a bad week. ASJ feels more like trade bait to me. Let him have a decent week 1 and trade him to a TE needy team for another WR.

K/D – 13/16 – Gostkowski is the number 1 kicker. The Chiefs D is good, but is likely to be without its best player all season, which I think will limit its potential a bit. They should still be a perfectly fine every week start.

Overall – 60/112 (7th) – This team feels like more than the sum of its parts. There are bits and pieces that I’m not a great fan of (Cousins particularly), but this feels like a pretty strong and reliable team. It’s unlikely to blow the league away as there is no one who is going to wildly outperform expectations (beyond Morris in the event of Elliot getting hurt on the season’s first snap), but it’s likely to be there or thereabouts by the end.

Dan Sayles’ Bounty Program

QB – 9/16 – Neither Manning or Carr are likely to be elite players, but between them they make a pretty strong platoon. At least one should be close to top 10 points most weeks. Picking the right one will be the challenge.

RB – 14/32 – Lacy looks primed for a bounceback season after spending last season at the buffet line. Gordon looks like he has a chance to breakout too. Of course, both could flame out quite easily. Isaiah Crowell could end up being the main back in Cleveland, but that’s only because I could also end up being the main back in Cleveland. Jordan Howard looks like he’s 4th string at the moment and can probably be relegated to a watch list to pick up again once he starts climbing the depth chart.

WR – 20/32 – Watkins and Brown both have a chance to be top 20 WRs, if not higher. Watkins will need to dominate the Bills’ targets in that low volume offense, Brown will need to emerge as at least a 1b target in that high volume offense. If the Rams continue to be creative in forcing Tavon Austin the ball (and have a QB who can get the ball to him when he gets open deep), he could also force his way into the top 20. Tajae Sharpe has been getting rave reviews in preseason and might well end up being the second most-targeted Titan (behind Delanie Walker). If it all breaks right, that would leave a WR corp with 4 strong starters and Dorial Green-Beckham sitting on the bench watching.

TE – 9/16 – Gates should still be perfectly fine for another year, especially in a 16 team league

K/D – 5/16 – McManus is a good kicker in a good environment, but the offense isn’t likely to be much better than last year. He’s trusted to be allowed to attempt long field goals, so might be as boom and bust as a kicker can be (not very). The Steelers D is not good, but the quality of the offense should force opponents into taking risks and there are enough playmakers there to force some big plays. Streaming seems like the best bet here.

Overall – 57/112 (9th) – Each position group here has a hell of a lot of potential. However, QB is probably the only one which will reliably meet it. If everything breaks right and the RB and WR groups play to their potential this team could run away with the league. If it doesn’t, the league could run away from them.

Ballad of Ju-Halo Jones

QB – 15/16 – Russell Wilson is probably second only to Cam in fantasy QBs. If the running game doesn’t recover from the loss of Lynch, his increase in volume could make him the #1 QB. Even if it doesn’t, he’s very likely to be top 5.

RB – 6/32 – CJ Anderson should be pretty good, and if he isn’t it’ll be because Booker has taken his job. That’s one starting RB right there. Williams should be good for the first three weeks then fairly useless. White should be good for the first 6-8 weeks, then fairly useless. Chris Johnson seems like he’d have more value by being traded to the David Johnson owner. This group could easily get off to a fast start, but I can’t imagine them being great by the end of the season.

WR – 8/32 – Julio is obviously excellent. Sterling Shepard looks to be, at worst, the #3 target in a good offense. Jackson looks likely to a fairly reliable #2 and Stills could also nail down a #2 role. Even if Sammy Coates does nothing, this should be a fairly good group, but its unlikely to be outstanding.

TE – 12/16 – Delanie has become a pretty reliable TE. He should be fine every week.

K/D – 10/16 – The Bengals offense should be good enough, Nugent is good enough. He’ll probably be around #12 for the season. The Rams D is good, but fairly inconsistent. They should reliably get sack numbers, but losing Janoris Jenkins and Rodney McLeod might mean the INTs take a hit.

Overall – 51/112 (14th) – There are good bits and bad bits, and I think they end up coming to around average.

Large Hadron Colliders

QB – 3/16 – Stafford was great at the end of last season, but has been bad in preseason. He feels like the kinda guy who needs to be paired with another reasonable starter, rather than being expected to produce every week.

RB – 22/32 – Forte is a solid every week starter. Sims should continue to chip in with a decent enough amount of receiving yards to be fine as the final FLEX starter. Mathews should be a perfectly average starting RB and could easily end up being a reliable every week starter. Smallwood probably isn’t worth the roster spot as a handcuff though. McKinnon is a decent lottery ticket to have if Peterson goes down.

WR – 30/32 – Robinson, Jeffrey and Landry can all easily be started every week. The only thing stopping this group being a 10 is total lack of depth. Pryor is unlikely to be much of a factor.

TE – 15/16 – Thomas and Clay should both be somewhere between 10th and 20th at TE this season. Thomas is more likely to be a reliable every week starter, but this group should be able to muddle through even if they only produce at the same level as last year.

K/D –11/16 – Gould and the Jags D are perfectly average options.

Overall – 66/112 (=3rd) – This team should be around the playoff picture, but feel unlikely to one of the top teams in the league.

Legion of Gloom

QB – 5/16 – I’m quite bullish on Tyrod Taylor and running QBs generally, so I think he’ll be an above average every week starter. However, he’s still a fairly big risk. Dak could be equally good, but the odds are that you won’t want to play him for the first few weeks until you know what he can deliver, and then by the time we get near the playoffs he’ll be back on the bench after Romo returns.

RB – 18/32 – Peterson is very good and should get a ridiculous amount of work this year with Bridgeeater down. He’s fine to start every week. The other two guys drag the group down, because I’m not sure either can be relied on to be in the FLEX role in any given week. If Rawls goes down Michael should be worth a start. Blount is unlikely to be a safe option to rely on in any week.

WR – 10/32 – Cooper should be a pretty reliable starter. I’m not a massive fan of the rest of the group, but they all have a chance to be equally reliable starters. Moncrief hasn’t produced much thus far, Dorsett has produced even less, and Agholor is somewhere in between. None are proven starters that you want to rely on yet (although all could become that). Sanders has been a proven starter, but its tough to project his likely production with Siemian at QB. I suspect he’s going to finish as this lot’s second best WR though. It should be possible to get a good group, but I think, when you also factor in Blount’s TD dependency, there may be a lot of PLOBing.

TE – 15/16 – Kelce is excellent and Rudolph is a reliable backup option with some upside. This is about as good a group as you can have without having Gronk.

K/D – 11/16 – Both Bailey and the Vikings D are good players in fairly bad situations. The Vikings D should do ok on points allowed simply because all the running on offense is going to keep scores down. But offenses probably won’t want to take too many risks against them, which might hurt their chances at big plays. Bailey is a good kicker who is likely to spend the first half of the year struggling for opportunity.

Overall – 59/112 (8th) – I like most of the team, but the WR2 and FLEX situation make it difficult to project success. There are 5 guys who need to produce to cover those 3 positions, and I’m not convinced that’s likely.

Sou’Westkuntry Pasty Pounders

QB – 14/16 – Rivers and Brady seems like a brilliant pairing. After week 4, they’ll be able to platoon the two against the best matchup.

RB – 4/32 – Ingram has been good the last couple of years, but I still don’t trust him all that much. He should be fine though. Woodhead and Riddick would be great options if this was PPR, but outside that they are only borderline FLEX options at best. Starks has very little value unless Lacy goes down.

WR – 22/32 – Brown will be top 10, Hilton should be top 20 and Crabtree should be top 30. That’s a very good trio. Unfortunately they are knocked down a bit by that being it. Cutting Bruce Ellington and grabbing any other WR is a must.

TE – 1/16 – Walford could be good, but I wouldn’t want to be relying on him as my only option right out of the gate.

K/D – 4/16 – Both Gano and Walsh are very good options. Walsh is a better player, Gano is in a better situation (depending on how much Carolina goes for two). Having two kickers is kind of a waste though and I think they’d be better cutting or trading one for extra WR or TE help though. The Colts D is pretty much bang average. Streaming beckons.

Overall – 45/112 (16th) – The WR trio and the QB duo might carry this team to respectability, but I don’t there’s enough here to carry them any further than that.

Hundley Like The Wolf

QB – 8/16 – Bortles is a good option. Even if he regresses a bit from last year, he should be a nice solid starter.

RB – 24/32 – I actually really like this group. Its looking like Langford is going to get a shot at an every down role in Chicago and Foster looks like the lead back in Miami. Either one of those should be a reasonable FLEX play for most of the season. Once Bell comes back from suspension, that should be a really strong group.

WR – 24/32 – Again, this is a strong group. Cooks and Benjamin should be perfectly reliable for every week of the season. Wheaton has a good role, although may be lacking in talent. He did have an excellent second half of last season. It seems likely that one of the young trio of Doctson, Thomas and Crowder should be able to emerge as at least a half-decent option if Wheaton isn’t up to it.

TE – 2/16 – Jordan Cameron has been dreadful in Miami and is barely worth a roster spot at the moment. Ebron has yet to live up to his draft status, but there are lots of targets to go around in Detroit now that Calvin Johnson is gone. He should be able to be at least a top 12 TE, which would just about justify starting him every week.

K/D – 8/16 – I’m not sure if the Texans D is actually going to be that good, but they will probably make a lot of big plays which should make them a perfectly serviceable option every week. Matt Bryant is a below average kicker but if Atlanta’s offense plays the whole season like it did the first few weeks of last season, he’s in a very good situation. If not, streaming will have to do.

Overall – 66/112 (=3rd) – There’s a strong core of QB, RB and WR here. If one or two of the younger players can fulfil their potential, this could be a really good team. I suspect its more likely that they end up getting knocked out in the playoffs.

Spunky Beans

QB – 2/16 – Going with just Winston is bold. My feeling on him is similar to Cousins – he’s shown he can be good for a period, but I’m not convinced he can be worth an every week start just yet. He seems like an ideal candidate for platooning with another veteran, rather than relying on him every week.

RB – 30/32 – This is an outstanding trio. Like Adrian Peterson, Gurley is going to get a tonne of work this season. At his very worst, Jamaal Charles will be a much better version of Darren Sproles. At his best, he’s a second feature back. Frank Gore should be perfectly reliable, but he is very old as RBs go, so he may fall off a cliff this year. No sign of that happening yet.

WR – 6/32– There are far more questions at WR. Both Matthews and Smith have talent, but its unclear how much production they will actually have. Matthews’ floor is probably as a mediocre FLEX play. Smith’s floor is absolutely zero. Travis Benjamin and Mike Wallace have similar profiles to Smith, although with a bit less upside. Sanu could be a fairly reliable FLEX play, although he has historically been quite TD dependent. Boldin is a big question mark. I can’t imagine him doing too much this year, but then I’ve thought that for about the past 4 years.

TE – 14/16 – Jordan Reed is an elite TE with some questions about his ability to stay healthy. Dwayne Allen is a good TE with some questions about his ability to stay healthy. If one went down, the other should be fine to play every week. There’s even potential to play both if Allen can rediscover his early career form.

K/D – 2/16 – The rarely seen Buffalo Buffalo. Carpenter is a fine kicker on a fine offense. He should be perfectly acceptable in a 16 team league, although not a whole deal better than streaming. The Bills D is a big unknown. If it plays to its potential, its elite. If it plays to last year, its crap.

Andover Anteaters

QB 13/16 – Luck is worth a 9/10 on his own. Ryan isn’t in his league, but if he can rediscover his past form, this could be an elite pair to play the matchups. Or just plug Luck in most weeks.

RB – 12/32 – Hill should be ok to start every week, although its likely that Gio Bernard will outscore him. Ware looks likely to get, at minimum, the goalline work in KC along with 5-10 carries a week, so he could be a viable flex play, especially if KC has a decent matchup. West might end up being the Ravens leading back, but he might also end up getting 0 carries. Regardless, Hill and West are a strong pair.

WR – 32/32 – This is a strong group. Green and Allen are clear #1 WRs. Jones has a chance at being similar, and should threaten 1,000 yards anyway. Funchess has been getting excellent reviews in the offseason and should have more production in his second year with an actual other WR on the field with him. Gordon could end up doing nothing, but if he hits the field and doesn’t get suspended again, he also has the potential to be a #1 calibre WR. They might not be able to get everyone on the field, but there may be trade potential here too.

TE – 3/16 – A fairly uninspiring group. Both Miller and Green are perfectly average players who are clear starting TEs, but I’m not sure how much upside there is. I feel that this will be a very TD dependent group, with lots of PLOBing.

K/D – 14/16 – Tucker is excellent and should get more opportunities with Flacco healthy again. It’s still not a great offense though. The Cardinals D is just a monster, but they’ve got a fairly tough schedule which might limit them slightly.

Overall – 74/112 (2nd) – A very strong team. The only weakness is TE and RB depth and frankly, if you’re going to have a weakness that’s a good one to have.

Coach Taylor’s Khakis

QB – 11/16 – Roethlisberger is a solid top-10 option apart from the game or two he misses due to injury. Mariota should be fine to fill in for that game. If he develops his running, this could be a great pairing.

RB – 20/32 – Rawls showed a lot of ability last year, but might end up in a job share if he doesn’t show that he can stay healthy. He has a lot of upside, but a lot of risk too. Murray should be one of the most used RBs, but he’s pretty average. Still, that’s a good enough combination to be a solid FLEX play. Abdullah flashed some good skills last year, but I’m not sure what role he has on the offense. Riddick has shown he is an excellent receiver and Abdullah doesn’t really profile as a high volume runner. He might end up just doing a lot of not very much. Javorius Allen looks like Baltimore’s 3rd RB and probably doesn’t have much value.

WR – 16/32 – Hopkins is elite and will see a tonne of targets. Nelson should also see a lot of work, but he’s quite old and coming off an injury, so there’s a bit of risk there. Still, both should be solidly top 30. Steve Smith is similar to Nelson but with far less upside. Chris Hogan is a good pickup, especially with Amendola not being healthy, and should be a borderline flex play. Strong is probably Houston’s 4th WR, so doesn’t have much value.

TE – 4/16 – Eifert is very good, but he’s going to miss the first 2/3 games at best and hasn’t showed the ability to stay healthy after that. The total lack of backup is alarming.

K/D – 9/16 – The Raiders D should be perfectly fine and the offenses in the division are fairly poor, which helps. Vinatieri’s range seems to decrease by the minute, but he should be fairly reliable.

Overall – 63/112 (6th) – This looks like another team that should make the playoffs but may struggle to produce once it gets there.

Kuhn on the Cobb

QB – 7/16 – Dalton has a fairly well established floor of being a perfectly acceptable QB and should be fine to start every week. Osweiler doesn’t strike me as a particularly appealing platoon buddy though.

RB – 28/32 – Johnson should be a feature back, Gio Bernard should get a good amount of work between rushing and receiving and Justin Forsett looks like he’s going to be the starter in Baltimore. That should translate to at least one good starter and one good FLEX every week. Kenyan Drake looks like he’s worthless this year. Reggie Bush has more value in a PPR and return yards league, but he might ok, especially if McCoy goes down.

WR – 16/32 – Thomas is a risk with a new QB, but he should be able to struggle his way to around 1,000 yards regardless. Cobb should see fewer targets but be more productive this year. Hurns will probably fall off a bit from last year, but he should still be a pretty strong FLEX play most weeks. Garcon is aging very quickly and might lose targets to Doctson and Crowder as the season goes on, but should still be borderline playable most weeks.

TE – 4/16 – Barnidge was excellent last season, but its really hard to see him repeating that with an improved WR corps. If he falls back to anywhere near his career average production (i.e. nothing) tight end will be a big black hole.

K/D – 1/16 – Aguayo should be absolutely fine. The Packers are fairly average. Streaming for both is probably the plan.

Overall – 56/112 (10th) – Great RBs, but the rest of the team is pretty much average or worse. If Barnidge recaptures last year’s form they could outperform this though.

 

Commish Addition

I tabled up the figures in the above piece. Some of the maths was a bit dodgy. This is the actual ranking…

Rank Team QB RB WR TE K/D Overall
=1 Brett Favre’s Junk Calls 6 26 26 11 12 81
=1 Large Hadron Colliders 3 22 30 15 11 81
3 Andover Anteaters 13 12 32 3 14 74
4 Hundley Like The Wolf 8 24 24 2 8 66
5 Running Outta Shrimp 10 32 2 6 15 65
=6 Coach Taylor’s Khakis 11 20 16 4 9 60
=6 McLovin It 4 16 14 13 13 60
8 Legion of Gloom 5 18 10 15 11 59
9 Dan Sayles’ Bounty Program 9 14 20 9 5 57
10 Kuhn on the Cobb 7 28 16 4 1 56
11 Spunky Beans 2 30 6 14 2 54
12 The Factory of Sadness 1 2 28 16 6 53
13 Ballad of Ju-Halo Jones 15 6 8 12 10 51
14 Woah Woah Woah Fitzmagic 12 8 4 7 16 47
=15 Shire City Barons 16 10 2 10 7 45
=15 Sou’Westkuntry Pasty Pounders 14 4 22 1 4 45

The DynaBowl Auction

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was bonkers. It was insane. It was so crazy it might just work. It was a once in a lifetime experience, in as much as it was brilliant and, I think, that’s about the one time in my life I want to do it. It was, of course, The DynaBowl auction day in Sheffield.

I don’t want to be negative about it – I certainly don’t feel negative about it – but looking back on the day, there were so many things that went wrong, be they with my strategy and planning, or with the way the day itself was run, but they are all part of what is, weirdly (and perhaps shamefully) one of the best days of my life. I both love and hate myself a little bit more for being able to say that.

So, a brief bit of scene setting for those not in the know. We are a UK-based fantasy football (NFL) league. We have played a redraft league for a few years and had decided to step things up to a Dynasty League (Dynasty League basically means you own your players as long as you like and try to build through the draft so you can win year after year). We threw the kitchen sink at this league though. There’s an auction to start things off. There’s full IDP (individual defensive players). There’s a starting line-up of 22 players and rosters totalling 50. There’s a salary cap, and contracts with extension costs, and the ability to structure guaranteed money in different years.

Basically, we figured if we were going to do this, we were going to do everything we could possibly want to do the first time we tried, and it was going to include every feature we could think of. Nearly.

Fantasy Leagues tend to get split into two types – those played with (relative) strangers across the internet and those played amongst a group of friends, and we are definitely part of that latter group. However, we are also part of the former. We are all split out across the country in a variety of locations and rarely get to see each other. Indeed, some of us had never met others before, bizarrely, despite all being good friends. Go figure. We do spend a fair chunk of time chatting with each other via online messaging services, especially during big sporting events. Especially during the NFL season.

Our redraft league is run through the internet and the draft that takes place is internet based. If we were going to set up a Dynasty League though we wanted to do it in style, all meeting up to launch the fucker together. And that is what the Auction Day on July 12th was all about.

The plan – we had a room in a pub booked all day. 10 men would enter, 10 men would leave. Broken shells of men, but 10 of them all leaving. Those 10 men would have bought the fictional rights to 500 players for the next several years. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, two very key things could go wrong. One of us could be stuck in Turkey, and we could all drastically under-estimate the amount of time it would take to buy 500 players. Thank God we weren’t dealing with agents too.

I had foreseen some problems. Availability was always going to be an issue. That’s why I had the day picked out from January. I surveyed the league. I made sure it was good for everyone. And immediately after I picked it out I was told it wouldn’t work for one league member. So we moved it. Then one of our contingent got a job in Belgium, but he would be able to make it back over. Except that then his Belgian employers sent him to Turkey and he wouldn’t be back in Belgium until the morning of the auction. Fine – we’ll Skype him in. Except then there were plane problems and he couldn’t leave Turkey until later… And argh… I started to get that feeling that everything was crumbling around my ears.

So before I get into how the day went, the mistakes, both real and perceived, mine and others and the group as a whole, before all of that, let’s expand a little on the set-up.

Fantasy Football (NFL) is a big thing in America. I mean, in the UK, Fantasy Football (soccer) is quite big – newspapers run their leagues, Sky runs a league. There are some big prizes. But consider this – in America, during games on the scoreboards in the stadium, messages flash up to update the crowd on how many points players around the league have scored. Fantasy Football (NFL) isn’t a bit of fun around the side, it has been woven into the very fabric of the sport.

Imagine if you were reading an article in the paper about a new signing made by Chelsea in the Premier League and the end of the article had a couple of paragraphs about what the signing means for your fantasy league. That happens in America. That’s a real thing. Fantasy Football is central to the sport.

This is reflected in web options. To run your league, you can set up a free league through Yahoo or ESPN or CBS or the NFL itself, but if you’re serious you pay a website to have a fully customisable set-up, so you can change nigh on every single detail. So what do you think we’ve done?

Are we taking our hobby seriously? You bet we are. Too seriously? No such thing. OK, there is, and I am. I’m writing this aren’t I? But I am by no means the worst. Google fantasy football. Google dynasty leagues. You will disappear down a rabbit hole. People pay thousands of dollars each year to enter leagues online against strangers, with winner takes all, or most, of the prize fund. People actively seek out failing and abandoned teams (known as Orphans) for the challenge of turning them into champions.

So why such devotion, and why haven’t things gone this far with fantasy football (soccer)? I think the key is in 3 very specific things. Most North American sports can be broken down into stats very easily, and football (NFL) more than most. The number of yards running, receiving or throwing is a very simple thing to calculate, with bonus points for touchdowns. Compare that to goals and assists – the bulk of fantasy football (soccer) scoring – and you can begin to see there are more options. A typical football (soccer) match sees 3 goals – that’s very few scoring events. In the NFL each team will generate a total of 300-400 yards offence on average, with different players getting credit and earning points for those. Suddenly there’s a lot more ways to score points, and a lot more points to be scored. A canny manager has more control in fantasy football (NFL) than fantasy football (soccer).

The second reason is that in football (soccer) teams have (relatively) large squads but can only let 14 guys on the field per match. That means that your player could get rested for the big European match midweek, and you won’t know until the game kicks off. You don’t have enough information to manage your team. In the NFL, players are active for games, or inactive. The roster has 53 men in total and all could play some part, and you’ll generally know in advance if your guys will or won’t. Therefore, management is, again, more nuanced.

Finally, most fantasy football (NFL) leagues – except the one run by Sky in the UK, which follows the fantasy football (soccer) model – are set up to be individual leagues where teams compete against each other each week, building to playoffs and a superbowl, and – crucially – each player can only be owned by one team in the league. In fantasy football (soccer), everyone can field Van Persie if they want. The level of competitiveness isn’t there in fantasy football (soccer).

So that’s why it’s so great, why it’s so appealing (though having a love of NFL helps, too, of course). Now back to the DynaBowl. I set up the auction. I then had to craft some rules.

The rules. I didn’t know what I was doing. I had some ideas, but would they work. I searched the interwebs. I signed up at websites. I posted on forums. I read archives. And I wrote and I honed. My final rules, I have just found out, clock in at a scary over 7,400 words. Seriously. That’s nearly as long as the dissertation that got me my degree. And they are a fucking work of art.

I thought of everything I could. I thought of all the ways I’d try to gain an advantage and then wrote rules so I couldn’t. I made them as simple to read as possible, but they are still quite complex. We had robust conversations. Well, the people who read them did. Not everyone has yet. Still. They trust that the rules will be there when they need them. No one has found my secret loophole.

The next thing was research. I knew some players. I knew the main players. The redraft league had given me that. I didn’t know most of the defensive players. I didn’t know the depth players. I didn’t know the secret players who might have a break-out season. I didn’t know how consistent or otherwise players tended to be, with regard to point scoring. I didn’t know how much of an impact a trade or free agency signing might have. How would he fit in with the new coach’s offensive line schemes? That kind of thing. So I read lots and lots more. And I read the questions everyone else posed. And I absorbed and I came up with values I thought players would have and I came up with a strategy for who I wanted on my roster.

In the meantime, as Commissioner of the league, I had another duty. An important duty. Every league member was paying me £20 for the first year and £10 each year thereafter to run the league, pay for the site and pay for the prizes. This is not for profit. Anything that didn’t go on the site was going on the prizes, and I needed a trophy. I looked at websites, I visited trophy shops. It turned out they had all closed. I found one run out of an old man’s garage and paid him a visit. He gave me some catalogues. I was *this* close to buying a cup. It was fancy, but it came out of a magazine. It was nice, but it wasn’t special. This league needed special.

A friend of mine makes art and models. Things like dragons and fawns and night elves. They are really, really good. We were chatting about stuff in general and I mentioned the league and the trophy search and I suddenly realised – maybe, if paid enough, she could create the ideal trophy.

Amongst my friends, the NFL championship is referred to as the Owl. Not just any Owl, the Superb Owl. I commissioned my friend to produce a Superb Owl for me. And it is fucking superb. See for yourself:

 

The Owl on display in the DynaBowl League Trophy Room
The Owl on display in the DynaBowl League Trophy Room

See… superb. I teased the league in the build-up to the auction, but I didn’t let them know what I had done. It was to be a surprise.

Anyway, back to the best of times, the worst of times. We were meeting in Sheffield. I don’t live in Sheffield. I live a long way from Sheffield. I allowed an hour longer for my journey than was suggested. It was a beautiful day and everyone else was on the road. I used up all of my hour and arrived at the pub at about 5 minutes past midday. 5 minutes late. Not a good precedent. Fortunately we were waiting for others to arrive too. I didn’t keep too many people waiting.

We got into the pub, relaxed with a drink before getting started, and then went to our ‘function’ room to set up. It was a decent room. A good size for all of us. Unfortunately we all had at least one laptop and/or iPad, and we were using a projector. And, as discussed, it was a lovely day. That room got hot, quick. We were promised a fan. It never arrived. It would have just moved hot air around anyway. It wasn’t a huge loss.

So once we set up I unveiled the Owl to gasps of delight, and flashes of cameras from the local press.

My one chance to proudly hold up the Owl
My one chance to proudly hold up the Owl

And then we got down to business. I wanted a bit of pageantry. We drew marbles in an FA Cup style to determine who called the next player for auction (we stuck with the same order throughout, we didn’t do this every single time). The first person called was Neil. Neil had no idea who he wanted to nominate. It was an inauspicious start.

Once Neil had nominated the bidding got under way and, with the help of a broken chair leg for a gavel, I announced the sale closed. The player, Cam Newton, quarterback for the Caroline Panthers and general all-round stud player. He was bought by Mike for $50. Mike subsequently revealed that he had not planned to spend $50 on a quarterback or to bid on Cam Newton. This is what the pressure of a live auction can do to a man. By the end, I think we had all experienced this to one extreme or another.

This process went on. Most people had no idea who they wanted to nominate each time it came round to them. I was probably the worst for it. I was juggling running the auction, entering all the sales into a database, keeping people up to date with how much they had spent AND trying to buy players for my own team. There was too much happening. It is now 3 weeks later and I still haven’t fully recovered my brain function. I made a lot of mistakes. But before we get to those, let’s stop a moment to watch a lengthy video of the first round of purchases being made.

As you can see, I am well placed to take up a professional auctioneering job, should commissioning fall through.

I am going to go into detail (“What?!? This isn’t detail yet???” – you) around my strategy and how I messed up and what I felt about the way in which things went from a buying players perspective, but first I wanted to talk more generally about what I learned from doing this whole thing.

PRACTICAL LESSONS

1) If you’re thinking about doing something like this – a live auction with a bunch of friends – always err on the side of caution with regards to time. We had estimated that we’d start of at 30-40 players per hour – that’s one player sold every 90-120 seconds – and would get up to somewhere between one player every 30-60 seconds.

We thought big names would go first, with lots of bidding, hence the longer time-frames, and then we’d get down to a lot of $1-3 players – barely any bidding. This wasn’t the case. As I mentioned before, most of the time people didn’t know who they were nominating next. There were lots of players that got a “Who?” reaction around the table which meant, before bidding could commence everyone had to look them up – their name, team, position, past performance – and then make a snap decision to bid or not. It all added up.

For 500 players to be sold off, we’d probably need to have started at 9am and gone for 12+ hours. As it was we went from 1pm until about 7:30pm as the last train from Sheffield for some team managers left at around 8pm.

I never thought we would be done by 8pm, but even if we’d stayed until 11pm, closing time, we wouldn’t have made it to 500 players.

Let's get down to bizniz
Let’s get down to bizniz

2) Have a contingency. If there’s a risk that you might not be able to get through the whole thing in one day, have a plan for what you do next. We had to make one up pretty much on the spot. Those who could stay on talked in the bar about how to sort it and then I had to figure out the finer details.

To explain what we did, we took the positions one by one (or in a couple of cases, grouped them together). People submitted a list in preference order along with their maximum bid and some vague instructions (like “If you get X, don’t bid on Y”). I then collated all of that information and worked out who got which player. Teams went into a ‘first-preference’ order to break ties, dropping the team who won the player to last on the list.

It was a complex process and more gut than scientific to be honest. The complications over person A put player X 5th on his list and bid $10 while person B put them 1st with a bid of $8 (and that’s very much a simple example) meant I had to bring my own interpretation to it.

I like to think that during my time in leagues with the other GMs means that I am trusted as being fair and rational and impartial in these situations and that’s why it worked. I wasn’t questioned once about where the players ended up and for how much, though the big difference in player evaluations made that easier – there weren’t many instances of teams ending up with their 10th choice on their list.

Still, I would recommend having some kind of plan set up and agreed in advance.

Phil's about to buy someone - that's what I had just decided
Phil’s about to buy someone – that’s what I had just decided

3) Have some kind of contingency for if someone can’t attend. Who knows what can happen, especially when you set your auction date so far in advance. We were caught out by one member’s job situation taking him to the other side of the continent and we mad as good a stab at covering for him as possible.

I bought him a few players – none that I was targeting myself of course – when the info he had managed to send through at short notice seemed a bit shallow. He couldn’t have known that the values for the players he had given me would go above his maximum, and there was no ability to adjust on the fly so I took some decisions.

This wouldn’t work with a different group of people, which is why a more robust plan should be in place before it goes ahead, just in case.

In the end, he’s ended up with, arguably, a decent but not great. At least he’ll be competitive and, as Commissioner, it’s in my interest to make sure the league as a whole and all teams individually remain competitive.

The look of a man who wants to show the Racists how to properly build a roster
The look of a man who wants to show the Racists how to properly build a roster

4) Try to find somewhere with air conditioning.

5) Get someone to be auctioneer. Someone who is not buying a team. I managed to pull together a pretty decent team, but I made a fair few mistakes along the way and didn’t follow my plan. Not having to run the auction itself would have allowed me to pay more attention to the bids I was making and how much I was spending.

On a related note, if you can rope 2 people in (and I get that getting someone to be auctioneer could be hard enough), then having someone separate to enter all the sale details as you go would be ideal.

James plots his next move
James plots his next move

AUCTION LESSONS

1) Defensive players. No one knew how to value them. The big names went for big bucks, and that’s fair. Robert Quinn and JJ Watt are behemoths and will score more than anyone else on defense, but all my researched showed that the next tier below tended to be a) very similar in performance and b) relatively inconsistent. This means that paying for the 7th best linebacker last season is basically the same as paying for the 25th best linebacker last season.

Why, then, did I make Ryan Shazier my most expensive defensive player, at $16? He’s a rookie linebacker. He may be terrible – he’s never played one professional snap – and yet I made him the joint 8th most expensive linebacker.

Just by way of comparison, I got Kyle WIlliams, the best performing defensive tackle (DT) in 2013 (by 24 points) for $6. Each team only needs to field 1 DT, but can field 2. If we assume that every team fields 1 and there’s even skill distribution (and there isn’t, as I have 3 of the top 10 from 2013), Williams scored 70 points more than the fifth best DT in 2013, and 89.5 more than the 10th.

It’s no guarantee of future performance of course, but that’s potentially a substantial point advantage, especially when you consider the most expensive DT went for $26.

We won’t see just how good that purchase was, or how inconsistent the scoring turns out to be for defensive players until the season takes place, but I think it’s clear this is the area we knew the least about and were least prepared for. Those contracts will even out over time as they need to be renewed or players hit free agency, but for now they are all over the place.

Everyone is focused on what matters most to them. To Ian, that's the camera.
Everyone is focused on what matters most to them. To Ian, that’s the camera.

2) Quarterbacks. In any given week there are up to 32 players starting as QB across the league. This league requires exactly 10 to start each week. There are some excellent QBs out there who can score a lot of points, however, given the requirement to start 3 or 4 WRs and 2 or 3 RBs which means that those pools of major talent would be in high demand, I had decided my strategy was to pay low fo QBs and spend on performers in those positions.

I was right, as well. I could have picked up Matt Ryan, Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo – three players with several top 10 fantasy seasons behind them – for a combined $25.

Unfortunately, I spent $64 on my three QBs – one of whom is Ryan – but the other two are overpriced gambles, RG3 and Johnny Manziel. RG3 could be a top 3 player – he was 5th in his rookie season and only 27 points behind Drew Brees in 1st – but his injury record and inconsistent play in his second season show the direction this gamble could take.

I’m not unhappy to have RG3. I actually think his upside is more likely and he’ll be a great player to watch this season, but I’d rather have spent less and invested the extra money in WRs or RBs.

Related to this, Aaron Rodgers, arguably the best QB in the league and with many seasons ahead of him, was the highest valued player at the auction, sold for $77. Given the prices for other players, this to me was an overspend. Despite being a Packers fan, I had ruled out going for Rodgers before the auction because I thought he’d be too expensive and I think I was proved right.

Ultimately this boils down to how many points can, say, $40 buy you? (Matt Stafford scored 1.5 points per game fewer than Aaron Rodgers in 2013, 4 fewer in 2012, and cost $44 less at auction). Could the investment of $20 in two RBs or WRs net you a gain of more than 4 points per game over the players actually bought? I think that’s entirely possible. If I had spent $40 less on my QBs, as I intended, I would have invested in a couple of other bigger players.

But hey, it’ll all come out in the wash, and maybe the Tamworth Two, who paid that $77 for Rodgers, will be proven right with a trip to the Owl.

Geoff doesn't think much of David's purchase, while James counts his pennies for the Rodgers purchase.
Geoff doesn’t think much of David’s purchase, while James counts his pennies for the Rodgers purchase.

3) Rookies. This was the foundation of my plan. I had read theories around structuring a dynasty roster which said it was a better strategy to go for longer term, don’t look to go for year one. Why? Because a team that is built to win from year 1 rarely has the depth to win for much longer afterwards and so requires immediate work to rebuild. By investing in youth (younger studs too, not just rookies), you hopefully prime your team to be stacked for years to come. This strategy may have a sneaky added advantage of giving you a bad finish in season 1 and so netting you a high draft pick in the first rookie draft too.

I went after this big time, with a combination of rookies who had high upside (Jordan Matthews at Philadelphia, for example) and those I thought were assured to be at the least very solid for years to come (Brandin Cooks, New Orleans). I also threw the dice in a couple of areas. At Tight End (TE) I have taken 4 young guys who may or may not come to something. If one of them hits to any degree I should be in a good position.

Of course, there are no guarantees any of these guys hit, and that’s why I also made sure to grab some guys who were proven to some degree, but had years ahead of them. AJ Green of the Bengals was my main purchase, the second most expensive player at auction at $71, and alongside him I picked up some second and third year guys who can hopefully break out this year. At least I know they can already perform to a reasonable standard in the league.

Finally, I grabbed a couple of veteran WRs cheap in the post-auction portion of proceedings. Anquan Boldin and James Jones should provide something for at least a year. They may not set the world on fire, but they provide options.

The same kind of thing with RBs, except here I tried to pair guys up. I only succeeded with 49ers veteran and rookie combo of Frank Gore and Carlos Hyde, but I still feel I have a good mix of experience, youth and rookies, along with a couple of players who could surprise or could just disappear.

It may all backfire, of course, with nary a stud between them, but I can’t imagine all of them busting. Even if they don’t all become studs, there should be enough players with a good future ahead of them to keep me in with a shout for a few years.

David is shocked at the Flacco valuation while Ian intently ignores him
David is shocked at the Flacco valuation while Ian intently ignores him

4) Contracts. Of course, the one thing I had forgotten to factor in was contracts. We have a limit as to the number of contract years that can be assigned at the start which means that some/many of these players will need renewing or releasing in a year or two. If I offer short term contracts to young players I run the risk of not being able to afford to keep them when that time comes around, but if I offer them longer contracts and they bust, I end up wasting money on them. It’s a fine balance, but one that effects everyone. The potential issue with all the rookies is if too many of them do too well too early and I can’t afford to keep them all, but that would be a nice problem to have and one I’ll worry about if or when it comes up.

Chris looks studious - you'd not guess he's from Manchester
Chris looks studious – you’d not guess he’s from Manchester

5) Other teams. It was really good to see the variety of approaches taken and I was very pleased by the balance across the league. I think some teams are better than others, but there’s no one there who will be either winning or losing all their games this year. I was concerned some teams might end in a terrible state and that poor balance might lead to managers wanting to leave the league but I don’t think there’s a risk of that. I have my own favourites for the title this year, but I think it’s pretty wide open. Despite my plans for the future, I think I stand a chance of the playoffs this season, and if that’s achieved, who knows what will happen?

So overall it’s been a great deal of fun so far, and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things. It could have been a farce and, in many ways, it was a bit, but we’ve ridden through the storm and now can’t wait to get down to the real business, when we see just how wrong we were about the players we bought.

Laughter after David unveils an hilarious stat about Colin Kaepernick
Laughter after David unveils an hilarious stat about Colin Kaepernick

(NB all photos and video courtesy of Ben Archer)

Here Comes The Brees

Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar
Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar

Our interview is far from conventional. He insists we meet downstairs in a darkened corner of a bar called The Cave which fully lives up to its name, with its craggy stone walls and the lingering feeling you’re going to be trapped down there forever, hopefully without the creatures from The Descent.

He arrives late, constantly looking over both shoulders. He’s unnerved. Uncomfortable. And in disguise. Or is he? A disguise should make you blend in, make people ignore you, pay no attention. He is wearing a number 9 black New Orleans Saints shirt, fitted underneath with NFL shoulder pads (but none of the other padding) and he wears a Drew Brees mask over his face. If I hadn’t been warned, I think I would have run a mile.

This is Ben Archer, co-manager with Dan Sayles of one of the DynaBowl franchises, the name for which is not up for discussion, I am told in no uncertain terms. It’s only speculation, but I can’t help wondering if the reason for this is that Sayles will not tolerate talk of calling the team the Saints. It’s certainly clear that there’s plenty Sayles won’t tolerate and that’s the reason Archer insists on our meeting being so clandestine. I’m not sure if he really grasps the fact that our conversation is being recorded and will, ultimately, be published for all to see. Including Sayles.

I ask him if Sayles is easier to work with than he is to interview and it’s obvious that Archer is rattled. I’m afraid he’s going to bolt. Perhaps I should have started with something easier.

“Dan is a private man, and wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was talking to you today,” he says, as if that’s not obvious. “But that privacy is all part of a cunning… Oh wait I can’t talk about that. Don’t put that in the interview right, it’s just between us. I’ll start again, Dan is a private man but a damn fine manager, only this morning we were talking draft tactics and he said… No wait, I can’t say that either, you nearly caught me out there. You won’t include any of this right? I’ll try again. Dan is a private man, a damn fine manager and I expect good things from this partnership. He’s the brains, I’m the other one.”

The last sentence appears to be the first one that Archer is completely comfortable saying.

I try to take things are from the subject of Sayles and on to something he feels he can talk freely about, but when I query his crumbling in the latter stages of the 2013 Chatterbowl season he makes a startling admission. “I blame the stresses of being in China on that scouting trip, I told Dan that I wouldn’t be able to find a Chinese guy to play quarterback and I was right, they’re just too small. Even if they are bigger than Drew Brees.”

The DynaBowl wasn’t announced until after Archer returned from China, his team-up with Sayles until well into 2014. Is this just another sign of the mental hold Sayles has over Archer or is there something more suspicious going on? Was Sayles responsible for the bad decision making at the core of Archer’s capitulation? Archer clams up when I press him on the matter. Instead, he has alighted on the one matter he is happy to talk freely about, even if he’s not allowed to.

Me: “Who are you targeting in the auction?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about signing Drew Brees in the first round.”

Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose
Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose

Me: “Is Drew Brees the source of much conflict between you and Dan Sayles?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about spending every dollar we have on Drew Brees.”

Me: “What do you see as the primary differences between the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl?”

Archer: “I really want to sign Drew Brees, I will have to beg Dan.”

Me: “Are you up to speed on the rules? There have been murmurings of discontent from other league members about having to read a Russian novel of a rulebook.”

Archer: “Seriously, Drew Brees, how fricking awesome is that man. What, the rules? well the rules pack was a bit in depth, but Dan assures me it’s fine, I mean I’ve not read them, I’m just going on gut instinct, I know what makes a good player. He has to be 6ft tall and 209lbs, and one of the best damn passers in the league that’s what makes a good player.

Me: “Drew Brees isn’t 6 feet tall. Anyway, what do you think your chances are in The DynaBowl? When might you get your hands on the trophy?”

Archer: “Just going back to Brees, no other quarterback has put up his kind of numbers ever. Back to back to back 5000+ yards passing, with more than 40 TDs in two of those seasons. The only quarterback ever with 4 5000+ yards seasons. I mean what a guy.”

At this point in our talk Archer excuses himself to go to the bathroom and I am left grateful. His excitement is palpable, perhaps a little too palpable, but seemingly pointed in the wrong direction. Fortunately, when he returns he’s able to talk a little more coherently, the descent into madness abated, however briefly. I steer the conversation away from football to establish some firmer ground.

Once upon a time Archer had a burgeoning career in statistical analysis, a dream that has died a Brees-related death, but I take him back to those happy days, a time when he completed his degree based on the analysis of baseball. His system flushed, he finally pulls the Brees mask off his face and, with a twinkle in his eye, momentarily drifts back in time.

“Baseball has always been my passion, the fresh smell of the outfield grass, the crack of bat on the ball, and there’s no reason I can’t take that kind of level of statistical analysis to the gridiron. I’ve been pulling data recently for a statistical model but it all depends on the final scoring system which I believe will be finalised soon. Then I can really start crunching some numbers.”

Whether Sayles allows him to or takes any notice is a different matter entirely, of course. So how is the draft board coming in preparation for the auction?

“The prep is going well, the draft board is taking shape, we have our main targets, first and foremost is of course… No wait, you’re good at this, you lulled me in and almost got me to tell you our strategy there. You’re keeping me on edge here. I thought you said this was a relaxed interview. The questions are too probing, can we just move on?”

“Who are the biggest threats then? Who do you think will rival you to take the title?” I ask, before my mischievous side takes over and I add “Besides anyone fielding Brees.”

“No one… No one else is taking Brees. He’s mine, he’s mine.” He takes a moment, breathing deep, calming himself. “Rivals. Well, everyone’s a rival. But I guess the main one would be D-slatz [David Slater, GM of the Dynasore Losers]. He talks a big game but he needs to be taken down a peg or two. I mean what has he ever won? As for the winner? Well I’d say the Commish himself stands the best chance as he’s likely the only one that really understands the rules.”

He pauses, pulls the mask back down over his face, stands up and says in a very threatening tone “But no one is taking Drew Brees away from me.”

And with that he runs away from the table and up the stairs shouting “I’m Drew Brees. Me. I am him. I am Drew Brees”. And then he’s gone, and I can feel the whole establishment breathe a sigh of relief.

Most Haunted: The 4th Dynmension

Trapped in an ethereal plain in a dimension outside of the human reality, it was impossible to conduct this interview face to face with The 4th Dynmension’s supremo Geoffrey Manboob (GM).  Therefore, resident Dynabowl beat writer Jaunty Coving (JC) had to conduct the interview through disgraced local Sheffield psychic, Alain C’Untface (AC).

“Fill me up.”

JC: Good Morning Alain, are you ready to start?  How does this work?
AC: Ah, Jaunty.  Let me light these candles and we can get started.  Close the curtains, would you old thing and we can begin.
JC: OK
AC: I’m starting to sense a presence.  Hello?  Spirits of the afterlife, do you hear me?  I mean you no harm.  I have come to speak with the one they call Manboob.  Geoffrey, are you there?  Let me be your vessel to our reality.  Speak through me!
JC: Is it working?
AC: I can feel you Geoffrey.  Come deep inside me.  Fill me up.  Let us become one.
AC starts convulsing violently, writhing around on the floor.  Suddenly he stops and sits up still.
GM: Hello Dave.
JC: Mr Manboob, is that you?
GM: Yes Dave, it is I.
JC: Well shall we begin?

“I can count up to 50.”

JC:  How do you feel your experience in the Chatterbowl has helped you coming into the DynaBowl?
GM: Look, the Chatterbowl and DynaBowl are completely different beasts.  It’s like comparing oranges with… blood oranges.  What I do have is a wealth of experience following the game (circa 25 years) and a real love of all things defensive.  Having said that I have shown in the Chatterbowl that I can successfully tank and trade away anyone for future draft picks.  The “Dynasty of Sadness” will always be building for the future and about two seasons away from a great roster.
JC: You’ve developed something of a bitter rivalry with David Slater [GM of the Dynasore Losers].  Are you looking forward to renewing the rivalry twice a year?
GM: It’s appropriate that D-Slatz is a Jets fan because green is certainly a colour that suits him.  I’m not a massive fan of jealousy, but I admire that it’s a trait he has in spades (that and flouncing out of the huddle).  I’m happy that I’m able to inspire him to reach the dizzying heights of mediocrity.  In doing that at least I’m also helping the league improve.  Literally dragging him up by his boot straps.

What Would Jason Campbell Do?

JC: How are the auction preparations coming along?  The dynasty auction is very different from the drafts you’ve previously been involved in.
GM:  Pretty well, Dave.  I’ve checked and I can count up to 50 so I’m well ahead of at least half of the league in that respect.  It’s building momentum so I’ll be ready come draft day.
JC: And do you have any specific players you are looking to sign to the roster?
GM: Skill positions are going to be key so don’t be surprised if I grab 2 punters and 2 kickers with my first 4 picks.  Having said that, Jason Campbell sits top of my draft board.  Only a fool wouldn’t have him there
JC: What’s a realistic goal for your team this season?
GM: Tank and tank hard.  We’ll sink quicker than a Korean ferry.

Chopsticks + Wildcard = Danger

JC: You’ve been appointed Deputy Commissioner for the league, are you excited about the possibilities that this brings?  Do you think it calls into question the judgement of Commissioner Benjamin Hendy?
GM: “Bendy” clearly has terrible judgement, look at the rabble he’s recruited for this league.  However, I’m sure we’ll work well in tandem to mete out swift justice to those who play against the rule.  I will literally be the iron fist to his velvet glove.
JC: Who do you think is the most dangerous coach out there?
GM: Rumour has it that Chris is a member of the KKK, so he has to be up there.  Mark is 1/8th Native American and I’ve seen him catch a fly with some chopsticks.  Phil is definitely the wildcard.  All three are a danger to themselves and probably anyone else in their vicinity.
JC: And finally, do you have any specific messages for the rest of the league prior to the auction?
GM: Dave, would you like to buy some pegs?
JC:  Geoffrey Manboob, thank you for your time.  It’s been an absolute pleasure.
GM:  Thank you Dave, you’re my wife now… Give me your ring!