Chatterbowl Champ Rates DynaBowl Runners & Riders

Last year’s Supreme Chatterbowl Champion, and cruel snub in the Coach of the Year voting, Pete Conaghan steps forward to rate the 2014 rosters of the Dynabowl hopefuls after the inaugural auction… Without further ado, and in reverse order, we present the pre-season power rankings…

East Flanders Flahutes

Can a team have too many Tight Ends? Not if you are Norv Turner or the Flahutes, who have five current starters in that roster spot. While the Flahutes are strong (but not deep) at QB and RB, with Drew Brees expecting to play until he is 45, and have a solid but unspectacular receiving corps, it will be defense that lets them down, with a mixture of the aged and infirm putting them bottom of the big-play index. It is disturbing that after two weeks of intensive roster building, the Flahutes still only have 44 players.

One to watch: Kyle Rudolph, fresh off a new deal, could star in Minnesota’s new Air-Norvan offense.

Ranking: 10th

DynaForOne Firebirds

Like the car that shares their name, the Firebirds are all muscle up front, but does that mask a worrying fragility? Beast Mode provides the bulk , while Chris Johnson provides the indecision. The WRs are a fragile bunch, while Rivers and Russell Wilson are indestructible at QB. The Tight Ends include Finley, Gates and Gronkowski, but also Garrett Graham who can step in if all the others are injured at once. The Firebirds may not have enough firepower at RB.

Defense leans heavily on grizzled veterans Julius Peppers and Justin Tuck – can they reach the sack heights of previous years? Suh and Atkins provide the interior muscle, while the linebackers will rely strongly on tackle numbers. The team as a whole has a lot of questions to answer.

One to watch: Chris Johnson joins the circus. Look out, it will be entertaining.

Ranking: 9th

The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness

If I had to describe the Dynasty of Sadness in one word it would be: middle of the road. An unspectacular collection of established players on offense is backed up by a solid defensive unit. A group of dirt-dogs rather than stars, the Dynasty has put its faith in the gradual accumulation of points rather than Hollywood play, and has married this to the expectation of breakout performances by the likes of Montee Ball and Ladarius Green.  Cam ‘Hello Kitty’ Newton stands out on offense, ably backed up by the small-handed Minnesota QB, while Eric Berry and Lavonte David are the stars of the defense. A dark horse.

One to watch: Adam Vinateri provides some much-needed youth on offense. Will he be a star?

Ranking: 8th

Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Kelkowski also have the dubious honour of five starting Tight Ends, and have two of the marquee players in Thomas and Jordan. This is counteracted by having two QBs who have faced questions as to their  heart, commitment, and accuracy under pressure. While the Firebirds have Rivers and Wilson, Kelkowski have Romo and Kaepernick. While there is only one winner there, their meeting in week 4 should be interesting.

Kelkowski will be hoping for a big year from Arian Foster, but he is ably backed up by DeMarco Murray and Zac Stacy. The WR group looks fragile, though Megatron makes up for many ills.

An aging defensive line looks misleadingly lightweight in terms of points, due to several major injuries last year. While Fairley was a beast, Knighton underperformed last year compared to his on-field value, and the team will be hoping Demarcus Ware has a new lease of life across from Von Miller. If Dansby can maintain his form with Cleveland, and Cushing comes back strong, then this group is well backed up by a strong secondary.

One to watch: Cordarelle Patterson will thrive, if they can get him the ball.

Ranking: 7th

Tamworth Two

If Tamworth like running backs so much, why don’t they just marry them? A wide mix of player types mean the Hogs can pick and choose their strategy on any given week. More of a concern though, is whether Carson Palmer can stay upright with the level of pass rush he will face this season. Tamworth need another QB to provide depth at that position.  Much is expected of an underperforming  WR group, though the twin towers of Jeffrey and Jackson will alleviate concern there.

Defense is a strength for Tamworth, with a mixture of sacks and tackles being the order of the day.

One to watch: Eric Ebron should dislodge Ole Stone Hands Brandon Pettigrew in short order in Detroit.

Ranking: 6th

Dynablaster Bombermen

Literally anchored by Mark Ingram at RB, the Bombermen will hope for great things from the SF duo of Frank Gore and Carlos Hyde, now that Kendall Hunter is out for the season.  Giovanni and Ellington provide the spark for what is a great group of RBs. QBs and WRs are likewise young and exciting, with Johnny Football providing the glamour and a sprinkle of pixie dust.

Cooks, Floyd, Green and Williams lend the WR corps their explosiveness, which will be needed with the defense big on star power, but pretty pedestrian points-wise. The Williamses – the Buffalo Williamses – are the best bet for boosting the big-play index here.

The team is a pleasing blend of youngsters and vets, and should compete for the foreseeable future.

One to watch: Will Cooks make an impact for the Saints straight away?

Ranking: 5th

Champions of the Sun

The Champions have an interesting selection dilemma each week, neatly represented by their split personality QB corps. Should they go for gunslinger Jay Cutler, or mild-mannered accountant Alex Smith? Should they go for plodding Bell and Jones-Drew, or dual threat Spiller and Tate? Will they go with the big-play potential of Maclin and Jackson, or the red-zone chops of ‘fading’ stars Nicks and White? A nicely balanced group makes selection on offense difficult.

Defense is bolstered by the spectacular Robert Quinn, who is targeting 20 sacks this year, and is well backed up by a group of excellent, if mostly injured linebackers. Tackle numbers should be high with this group.

One to watch: Can Khalil Mack be a pass rush threat, or will he have his hands full against a rush-heavy schedule?

Ranking: 4th

Dyna Hard

Dyna Hard are well stocked at running back, with marquee names Charles and Morris leading the charge, but a dependency on Matthew Stafford could be worrying if he was to get hurt. At least he should have three quality receivers to throw to this year, allaying concerns about his decision making. The jury is still out on backup Sam Bradford, who may only see time on the bye week and in case of emergency.

Antonio Brown is the star among a motley WR crew. Tavon Austin and Julian Edelman need to produce, but Dynahard may be hoping for an immediate impact from Buffalo’s Sammy Watkins.

Greg Hardy’s upcoming hearing with the NFL will be of concern on D, but JJ Watt and Osi U should be able to fill in adequately. Miller, Clowney, Worrilds and Ogletree should be a source of sacks galore, making this front seven a potential difference-maker on any given week.

One to watch: Can you say YAC? Manuel to Watkins is one to watch.

Ranking: 3rd

Dynasore Losers

Drafting established stars seems to have been the MO for the Losers, with solid depth all through the team. Win Now is the mantra on Offense: there are a lot of miles on the RB and QB clocks, and that group may need to be totally rebuilt in the coming years. A lot will be expected of Emmanuel Sanders in Denver, and the difficulty again may be selecting the right starters among the WRs.

The opposite seems true of the defense, which has a nice mix of rookies and second- and third-year studs on the defensive line. Tamba Hali and Ryan Kerrigan provide the pass rush to complement Wilkerson and Dunlap.

One to watch: Will Derek Carr be the future of this team? Tune into Oakland games round about week 6 to find out.

Ranking: 2nd

Here Come the Brees

Balance. That’s the watchword of Here Come the Brees, who have assembled a team that pleases on most fronts. Youth and experience at QB is backed up by a (potentially) high quality stable of running backs. Likewise the WRs are a mixture of possession guys and big-time burners, with a lot of potential for big plays.

Defense consists of a collection of sack machines, who will ensure competitiveness on the defensive side of the ball. The toughest decision on both offense and defense could be who to play on any given week.

One to watch: Will Ray Rice be a distraction to the team? Can he rediscover his form of two years ago?

Ranking: 1st

Kelkowski, The Birmingham Six, Yewtree, & Me

In the 1970s and 80s there was word on the street of a man, a man like no other. Criminals didn’t dare speak his name. He was like some mad cross between Magnum PI, The A Team, Bergerac and Juliet Bravo. He was Kelkowski. Whenever a crime was solved by dubious means, whenever a criminal disappeared “to the Costa Brava”, whenever a witness to police brutality lost their memory, there was Kelkowski.

Then came the 90s and a spate of high profile legal cases of proven wrongful imprisonment – The Birmingham Six, the Guildford Four, Jeffrey Archer… Well, Archer was originally fitted up and it was dumb luck that he genuinely was guilty. These cases ruined Kelkowski and he left the force. His high profile victories ruined. He found comfort with his friends from the 70s and 80s; respectable men, men of substance, men of charity, men like Dave Lee Travis, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Saville.

After a few more rough years helping colleagues with their enquiries, Kelkowski has finally come forward and gone public to reveal, for perhaps the first time, a genuine shocking truth. Kelkowski is two men, Jay Kelly and Ian Kulkowski, the former of whom has, with the help for friend Jim Davidson, moved himself to the middle east while the latter has retired to the far less welcoming wilds of North Wales. Both are suspicious of the press after two decades of bad publicity and so our conversations become a mess, almost impossible to piece together.

Definitely Not Friends of Kelkowski
Definitely Not Friends of Kelkowski

I started by asking about their relationship with Saville but they quickly asserted they would not be talking about Yewtree or miscarriages of justice or anything any normal person would actually care about, which is how this article ended up where it is – on the league website of a Dynasty Fantasy Football League. What follows may appear to be a mass of contradictions and non-sequitors, it may be disjointed and, in places, unintelligible, but that is perhaps the fairest reflection of the men at the centre of this storm. Don’t expect to read anything you’ll care about in what lies ahead.

I did, however, manage to get a couple of questions in about their beginnings. So how did Kelly and Kulkowski wind up together?

“I’m not sure,” says Kulkowski, confused. “I certainly didn’t choose it.” He sounds a little disgusted with his partner, but he clearly put a brave face on it. “I went away for a while then came back and I was paired with Jay,” he continues, referring to his suspension in 1975 for cocaine possession (unproven). “I’m a team player though so I’m happy working with anyone.”

Kelly, for the record, has a different slant. “We’re a dream team. I look at this as being a perfect partnership. Apart from the time difference. And our past performance. And the lack of organisation within the team. Or having the slightest idea what we’re doing. Still, if you add our combined wins up from the Chatterbowl and our scattergun draft approach in the same competition, we match up with most of our competitors. Individually we didn’t do too well, but combined we will be unstoppable (or much much worse). We have no expectations, other than dominating our opposition on and off the the field. Or not.”

It was at this point I realise they were serious about the whole “No questions about the police stuff, it’s fantasy football all the way” provisos they had laid down, and I considered stopping things right there, but journalistic integrity/the knowledge that I could probably spin this for a quick buck somewhere led me to continue.

Kulkowski continues: “Joint decisions have come easy so far and while I’m sure there will some difficult debates down the road so far everything’s rosy in the Kelkowski garden.”

While they continued to jabber away, I did a quick bit of research and turned up the Chatterbowl league Kelly referred to. Both Kelly and Kulkowski were new members of the fantasy league in 2013, and apparently they are now teaming up to co-manage a Dynasty League team in the DynaBowl and relive the olden days. As new members, was there a steep learning curve and what are they taking from the Chatterbowl into the DynaBowl?

“From my end I found it tough,” says Kelly, “because I’m not some sinister NFL hermit who makes spreadsheets and does in-depth analysis for publications.  Who has the time to watch every single game?  What kind of a sick freak actually watches the combine?”

Tough indeed. My research tells me that between the pair of them, they secured 7 wins in 26 regular season games. A pitiful return. It doesn’t bode well, I say.

“Depends on your definition of success,” says Kelly again, “I drafted guys and I didn’t quit on them, unlike some of my peers.  I also didn’t get trade raped.  I will, however, never forget a tie being turned into a defeat by the racists at the NFL and ESPN.”

Kulkowski has a different persepctive. “Did we really only win 7 games last year? Jay must have been terrible. In my head I did a lot better than that. Though from my perspective I had an awful draft. My first 4 picks were Steven Jackson, Steven Ridley, RG3 & Randall Cobb. So I guess it’s a wonder I was able to cobble together any wins at all. Shows my underlying managerial potential. My best pick of the early rounds was Knowshon Moreno, who I quickly traded for MJD.”

It’s that kind of form that found other GMs speaking derisively of Kelkowski’s chances in the upcoming season. I wonder what the pair think of having their methods questioned and if they’ll change anything in response.  The Kelkowski of the 80s comes to the fore in Kelly.

“Kelkowski will do what Kelkowski wants to do.  We don’t kowtow to the suits in the league office and we don’t listen to the insults of internet weirdos.  If any of our fellow GMs want to make something of it, we’ll show them some old school street justice.  In terms of the responsibilities that come with the job of GM we both take it very seriously.  We even created a spreadsheet, which, I think you agree shows our strong commitment to the team.”

It’s clear which side of the partnership harbours the attitude when Kulkowski jumps in with his response, which is much more mild-mannered and even tempered than his partner’s. “The disrespect that’s been aimed towards us from some camps makes me laugh. I think other GM’s will have enough to worry about rather than wasting energy taking swipes at us. For me it’s a sign that they’re worried. Fear is driving such behaviour and to be honest it’s justified. Fear of the unknown.”

That said, when I ask about objectives for the season ahead, it appears Kelly has rubbed off on Kulkowski just a little bit. “There can only be one objective and that is to win it all every year. There’s no point in being involved otherwise. Kelkowski will have one aim and that will be to dominate the dynabowl year in year out. We will be the leagues phill Taylor if you like.”

But then Kelly takes things one step further. Some might say over the line, but not Kelkowski. “I want to trade rape at least one person, preferably David Slater.” It’s not the kind of thing you necessarily want to broadcast but, if the 80s taught us anything, it that that’s just not the Kelkowski way.

Given the pairing’s reputation, are we to expect any fireworks or trademark ‘maverick’ moves at the auction?

“You can expect actual fireworks, theme music, and possibly a surprise celebrity appearance,” promises Kelly, while Kulkowski goes one step further: “My main focus in the auction will be unsettling the other GM’s with my nominations. Too much focus is paid to the bidding process but the real victories are had when you force someone into a massive panic buy with a left field nomination or make them pass on an undervalued player because they’ve just wasted said dollars. The auction is a massive psychological battle on many levels, it will take a strong willed and highly manipulative GM to come out on top, and that’s exactly who Kelkowski is.”

Kelly pipes up again, anxious to stress that they have a fully rounded auction plan. “I think it’s well known that we are all about players with amusing and/or interesting names, as well as those that contain apostrophes or extra capital letters. We’re also looking at young players with a good future ahead of them. And Tony Romo.”

Now one thing that everyone knows about Kelkowski is their attitude to rules. So what do the pair make of the extensive rulebook laid out by the Commissioner?

“It’s clear that Kelkowski doesn’t care for rules, the suits in the league office, or authority of any kind.  We make our own rules (within the stringent rules set for us by the suits in the league office),” says Kelly, and Kulkowski tows the party line, “My approach to the rules is very much in keeping with the Kelkowski mantra. I will ignore them and do my own thing until someone tells me I’ve done something wrong. Then I will ask what the rules are and what I should do differently and just pretend I didn’t know. It’s an easy excuse given the rules are so complicated.”

So what does the season hold in store for us then? Kulkowski is eager to place any underperformance firmly away from his door, saying “I’m strongly of the opinion that fantasy success is 85% luck which means anyone can win. That’s part of the appeal for me. Even Ben [Archer] or Geoffrey [Manboob – apparently a person] could win it. Anyone. Except [David] Slater. He will never be allowed to win. Even when it looks like he is cruising to victory so higher powered intervention will take place to ensure he fails. The league could not cope with a victorious Slatz. However, this also means anyone can also finish last no matter how ‘good’ they or anyone else thinks they are. You are only ever a couple of injuries or lineup changes away from disaster.”

Kelly is equally adamant about David Slater. “I would love to get one over on Slater. He’s a terrible human being.”

And with that they hang up, and I am left trying to make sense of the gibberish and find somewhere to make money from it all. I have failed.

Alas, Smith and Phones

Dan Smith has a very fortunate position in the world of the DynaBowl, which in some way balances out his unfortunate position in the real world, living in the wilds of Canada as he does. Unfortunately his remote location means that a face to face interview was not possible – they barely have electricity where Dan is, let alone a runway. Instead we are forced to carry out our interview over the crackliest of telegraph wires which may have led to some miscommunications, but hopefully I’ve managed to salvage a meaningful conversation from the electronic wreckage.

NB: Wherever I am unclear about what was said I have entered my interpretation of the conversation in [square brackets]. This may not reflect Smith’s original intent.

Ottawa's telephone, yesterday
Ottawa’s telephone, yesterday

I start by asking him about that stroke of great fortune he had in teaming up with Benjamin Hendy, the Commissioner of the DynaBowl league, the man who wrote the rulebook and the man with whom he co-runs the Dynablaster Bombermen. How will the dynamic work between them?

A: “Well, he wrote the rules so I see him handling most of the [cheating]. I’m more of a gut feeling type of guy who will just suggest stupid things that ensure we go out in the first round of the playoffs.”

Q: And have you had any hand in the rules?

A: “I haven’t had a hand in the rules, as quite frankly I am as baffled by them as [any fluent speaker of the English language would be].”

Q: So was there anything you’re cursing Hendy for missing out?

A: “[Basic literacy]? Seriously though, it would have been nice if the auction could have been held somewhere less accessible like beautiful Ottawa.”

Q: After the first year of the Chatterbowl this might have seemed like a dream pairing, with you and Hendy both making a bit of a run for the title, but Hendy really regressed in year two while you continued to excel. Are you worried he might drag you down?

A: “Well I may have gotten lucky a couple of years running but the fact that I couldn’t push on to at least the final suggests something is missing. I’m hoping that Hendy will add his special sauce that turns us into the Big Mac of Fantasy Football. Or a Whopper at the very least.”

Q: Now, being based over in North America, does that give you a strategic advantage, being closer to the action?

A: “I hope not, otherwise I should be doing a hell of a lot better than I have been. I do get to watch more games live but with the internet, [everybody’s ahead of me. My television only shows games in black and white, I can barely tell the sides apart].

Q: Are there disadvantages to the location? The CFL runs until November. Will that keep your eye off the pigskin?

A: “While it is true that Ottawa has a CFL team for the first time since 2005, they went and called themselves the “RedBlacks” and I can’t take a team seriously that just names itself after the colour of their uniforms so have sworn off CFL for the foreseeable future. [Moose knuckles on the other hand].”

Q: So what are the key transferables from the Chatterbowl? Where does The DynaBowl differ?

A: “Ultimately there are only two things that are the same in the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl, the gentlemen [of low moral stature and even lower hygiene] who own the franchises and their cluelessness.”

Q: So what will the key to winning The DynaBowl be?

A: “The key is to tapping into the stupidity of all the other managers and making them do things that are disastrous to their team. Off the top of my head and thinking of nobody in particular, this will include things such as getting someone to buy Drew Brees for [a very reasonable] $300.”

Q: Is there anyone you particularly want to see on your team, once the auction is over and done with?

A: “I could not possibly comment at this time. Although I do really think we should be bidding high on all Saints players.”

Q: Who do you think are the greatest threats are in this league?

A: “The biggest threat to my sanity is probably David. The biggest threat in terms of winning the league is hard to say at this point, as nobody has shown that they actually have the faintest idea of [how to breath with their mouth shut, let alone manage a Dynasty League Football Team].”

Q: Have you suggest any tricks to Hendy to use at the auction? Anything to pull the wool over other owners or psyche them out?

A: “Every one of these answers is a trick.”

Q: Any message for your opposing GMs?

A: “Hey, have some drinks on me! Wait, what’s the exchange rate?”

I tell him.

A: “Hey, buy yourselves some beers, get really drunk and make some bad decisions!”

And with that the operator cuts in to explain that someone else in the province needs to use the phone line now and that our time is up.