The Dyna Hard Man of The DynaBowl

I have to confess, before we start, that I may not have approached this interview in the right frame of mind. Just an hour before, I had ended a particularly bizarre and disturbing interview with Ben Archer and between his departure and my next subject’s arrival I had been dealing with some vague symptoms of PTSD by drinking about a quarter of a bottle of Scotch.

No need to worry though, because when Chris Braithwaite arrives it’s clear that he has prepared in a similar way. Not by interviewing a borderline psychotic who makes you fear for the life of an elite athlete, but by drinking a substantial quantity of alcohol. Still, he appears to have timed his arrival well, having seemingly just hit the sweet-spot of having drunk himself sober.

His current state possibly explains the unusual arrangements that have been agreed for his DynaBowl franchise, Dyna Hard. While the team will retain the franchise name, each year Braithwaite intends to take the team to a different locale, with variations on the name to suit the new surroundings. Is he worried that this may turn the team into a bit of a travelling circus?

“Travelling? Yes. Circus? Probably. But fans of the Chatterbowl know that I favour a high scoring approach, and that’s the sort of thing that fans love. We just want to bring our brand of fantasy football to as many fans as possible, and damn the global warming consequences.”

Roll Up! Roll Up! For the Greatest Show On Earth! It's The DynaBowl!
Roll Up! Roll Up! For the Greatest Show On Earth! It’s The DynaBowl!

Ah, the Chatterbowl. The proving grounds for many a DynaBowl GM, and Braithwaite has certainly done that. While he may not have won the big one yet, he has been top scorer in the regular season in both years the competition has been running, and as far as he’s concerned he’s only been getting better.

“I think my performance last year was more impressive than in my rookie year of the Chatterbowl. In my rookie year I got Calvin Johnson in his record-breaking year in the first round, and snagged Adrian Peterson’s exploded knee in the second. Then I just rode their two god-seasons to the playoffs.”

And in 2013? “Last year I had a much more balanced team, despite being handed something of a dud out of the draft thanks to missing it due to a hangover.”

It’s hard to believe that he’s not used to the hangovers by now and couldn’t have powered through, but who dares stop an alcoholic in full flow? He continues:

“My problem has always been that I never have a good reliable QB, and have to roll into the playoffs with a guy like Carson Palmer. Actually, I have had good reliable QBs, I’ve just traded them for awful, unreliable QBs. So that’s a bit of a priority this year. This year I’m just getting Sam Bradford and being done with it.”

It’s not always clear when it’s the booze talking and when there’s some actual sense springing forth. In this case it’s pretty clear which is which.

Still, an interview subject well lubricated and ready talk is a journalists dream and, outside of all the bullshit, you never know when some hidden gem may come out. More than any other GM I have had the privilege (or otherwise) of talking to so far, Braithwaite is happy to illuminate on his true thoughts which leaves me with a mild moral quandary, one which is easily resolved when I remember that I don’t have any morals but I do have the PIN to his answer phone.

So how does he feel The DynaBowl will differ from the Chatterbowl experience?

“I think the key to Dynabowl will be even-keel management and long range planning,” he says, quoting directly from Dynasty Football 101 and, rather unfortunately, almost losing his balance on his chair as he says the words ‘even-keel’.

“I have a feeling that we’ll have a few teams who are well managed and perennial contenders, a few that are regular bottom feeders, and some that’ll be like the like the Texans and go from good to terrible and back to good in blinks of an eye. I feel I’m likely to be in that final category, just because of my tendency to be awful at long term planning and my love of making occasionally inspired trades. And regularly awful trades.”

So who will those teams be, the regular contenders and the bottom feeders? Braithwaite’s not afraid to name names.

“While Goody [James Goodson – Sundance] showed incredible beginner’s luck last year, I think the presence of Mat [Ward] will cancel that out for him this year. D-Slatz [David Slater, Dynasore Losers] is always a contender because he knows his onions. He also tends to have unpopular opinions about players which often turn out to be right, which is a good quality to have in Dynabowl. I suspect Hendy and Manboob [Commissioner & Deputy Commissioner respectively] have been secretly gaming the scoring system so that they can take advantage of some hidden point scoring opportunities though, which makes them hard to look past. Really, everyone has a chance. Apart from Ben [Archer, teamed with Dan Sayles] and Mark [Simpson, teamed with Neil Hawke], obviously.”

I can only put the lack of mention for maverick wildcards Kelkowski down to the struggle to recall their name, which is hard enough to remember sober.

Still, accusation of collusion over point scoring brings us onto the subject of the rules. The Commissioner has produced an in-depth rule book which runs to several volumes and which has raised the ire of some GMs. Braithwaite sits up straight and his eyes widen at the mention of rules. A glob of saliva drips from the corner of his mouth as he ventures forth his opinion.

“I’m a big fan of rules. It’s best to have as many potential issues covered off before we start, because everyone can look at them from a neutral perspective. Once rule changes might affect one person more than another, the league runs the risk of owners flouncing out, and while that is a proud part of the Chatterbowl history, it’ll be awkward in Dynabowl. I’m not sure how we can marry up stability with our one-flounce-per-season minimum though.”

Ah, the flounce. Something Braithwaite has yet to partake in himself. His style is more passive-aggressive, disappearing for days, if not weeks, at a time before re-emerging as if nothing has happened. I put it to him that this, in its own way, is a flounce. “Look, fuck off,” is all I get by way of a response, and for a moment I think he might flounce the rest of the interview. No such luck though as he continues to talk at me. Apropos of nothing he raises the question of Michael Sam, the first openly gay player to enter the NFL.

“I don’t think Dyna Hard, despite the homoerotic suggestion of the team name, would be the right environment for him. I don’t want to ruin the surprise of our travel plans, but from year 5 and beyond, when you’d expect him to be in his prime, we’re likely to be in some fairly inhospitable environments for people of his lifestyle.”

Is ‘lifestyle’ the right word to use? It makes it sound like Sam has chosen his path. Braithwaite waves away my interjection to contiunue.

“That being said though, if he shows the talent to make him worth a DynaBowl roster spot, I won’t hesitate to force him to play in a place that’ll make him feel somewhere between “deeply culturally uncomfortable” and “at constant risk of arrest or stoning”. Because at that point I’ll respect his potential talent so much, obviously.”

He tries to bring things back to a more PC level. “You can’t refuse to employ a player just because the city he’s playing in might be awful for him to live in. Otherwise how would the Buffalo Bills exist?”

But what about the locker room, I ask. Is there anyone you couldn’t sign if you brought Sam onto the team? I’m not convinced he understood what I was asking though as he seemed to imply he would want to roster definitely-maybe-a-murderer Aaron Hernandez.

“Well probably Aaron Hernandez, just because if we knew one of our players was going to be murdered by a team mate, it’d be good to have predicted the culprit in advance.”

Apparently this is a good point for Braithwaite to wave his hand and order more service, despite this bar not featuring wait staff. Still, his demands for booze are met and a lavish tip is left.

Back to The DynaBowl, how prepared is he for the demands of a salary cap league? His answer is unsurprising.

“Is ‘hope for the best’ a strategy?” he asks back. I barely offer a shrug before he goes on, “If not, is ‘hope for the best while getting drunk’?” He raises his glass and cheerses my empty hand before knocking back another slug of whiskey.

“I have no clue how the cap will factor into strategy. I tend to be quite confident in my valuations of players, and did really well in the auction league last year because of that, so I have a feeling I will either be setting the market early in the draft as everyone has players undervalued to my eyes, or I’ll be sitting there with no players waiting for everyone else to run out of money. My main actual strategy will be to do tonnes of research, and then stick rigidly to my board. If I end up with 5 players and left with 45 $1 players, at least I can then blame Excel, rather than myself. Right?”

It feels like a plea for absolution in the event of him messing everything up, but it will only be the Dyna Hard fans who can grant him that, not me.

Finally I feel I need to raise the drinking issue. The league has it in its powers to enact some harsh penalties. Is he concerned that he might fall foul of the alcohol-related substance abuse policy? His reaction is not encouraging.

He stands and says, “There’s a league policy on alcohol abuse? Is it that alcohol abuse is mandatory?” before finishing off his drink, high-fiving himself, turning, tripping over his chair, falling flat on his face and then urinating where he lies.

It’s going to be an eventful season.

Chris Briathwaite yesterday: An artist's impression
Chris Briathwaite yesterday: An artist’s impression

Here Comes The Brees

Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar
Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar

Our interview is far from conventional. He insists we meet downstairs in a darkened corner of a bar called The Cave which fully lives up to its name, with its craggy stone walls and the lingering feeling you’re going to be trapped down there forever, hopefully without the creatures from The Descent.

He arrives late, constantly looking over both shoulders. He’s unnerved. Uncomfortable. And in disguise. Or is he? A disguise should make you blend in, make people ignore you, pay no attention. He is wearing a number 9 black New Orleans Saints shirt, fitted underneath with NFL shoulder pads (but none of the other padding) and he wears a Drew Brees mask over his face. If I hadn’t been warned, I think I would have run a mile.

This is Ben Archer, co-manager with Dan Sayles of one of the DynaBowl franchises, the name for which is not up for discussion, I am told in no uncertain terms. It’s only speculation, but I can’t help wondering if the reason for this is that Sayles will not tolerate talk of calling the team the Saints. It’s certainly clear that there’s plenty Sayles won’t tolerate and that’s the reason Archer insists on our meeting being so clandestine. I’m not sure if he really grasps the fact that our conversation is being recorded and will, ultimately, be published for all to see. Including Sayles.

I ask him if Sayles is easier to work with than he is to interview and it’s obvious that Archer is rattled. I’m afraid he’s going to bolt. Perhaps I should have started with something easier.

“Dan is a private man, and wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was talking to you today,” he says, as if that’s not obvious. “But that privacy is all part of a cunning… Oh wait I can’t talk about that. Don’t put that in the interview right, it’s just between us. I’ll start again, Dan is a private man but a damn fine manager, only this morning we were talking draft tactics and he said… No wait, I can’t say that either, you nearly caught me out there. You won’t include any of this right? I’ll try again. Dan is a private man, a damn fine manager and I expect good things from this partnership. He’s the brains, I’m the other one.”

The last sentence appears to be the first one that Archer is completely comfortable saying.

I try to take things are from the subject of Sayles and on to something he feels he can talk freely about, but when I query his crumbling in the latter stages of the 2013 Chatterbowl season he makes a startling admission. “I blame the stresses of being in China on that scouting trip, I told Dan that I wouldn’t be able to find a Chinese guy to play quarterback and I was right, they’re just too small. Even if they are bigger than Drew Brees.”

The DynaBowl wasn’t announced until after Archer returned from China, his team-up with Sayles until well into 2014. Is this just another sign of the mental hold Sayles has over Archer or is there something more suspicious going on? Was Sayles responsible for the bad decision making at the core of Archer’s capitulation? Archer clams up when I press him on the matter. Instead, he has alighted on the one matter he is happy to talk freely about, even if he’s not allowed to.

Me: “Who are you targeting in the auction?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about signing Drew Brees in the first round.”

Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose
Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose

Me: “Is Drew Brees the source of much conflict between you and Dan Sayles?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about spending every dollar we have on Drew Brees.”

Me: “What do you see as the primary differences between the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl?”

Archer: “I really want to sign Drew Brees, I will have to beg Dan.”

Me: “Are you up to speed on the rules? There have been murmurings of discontent from other league members about having to read a Russian novel of a rulebook.”

Archer: “Seriously, Drew Brees, how fricking awesome is that man. What, the rules? well the rules pack was a bit in depth, but Dan assures me it’s fine, I mean I’ve not read them, I’m just going on gut instinct, I know what makes a good player. He has to be 6ft tall and 209lbs, and one of the best damn passers in the league that’s what makes a good player.

Me: “Drew Brees isn’t 6 feet tall. Anyway, what do you think your chances are in The DynaBowl? When might you get your hands on the trophy?”

Archer: “Just going back to Brees, no other quarterback has put up his kind of numbers ever. Back to back to back 5000+ yards passing, with more than 40 TDs in two of those seasons. The only quarterback ever with 4 5000+ yards seasons. I mean what a guy.”

At this point in our talk Archer excuses himself to go to the bathroom and I am left grateful. His excitement is palpable, perhaps a little too palpable, but seemingly pointed in the wrong direction. Fortunately, when he returns he’s able to talk a little more coherently, the descent into madness abated, however briefly. I steer the conversation away from football to establish some firmer ground.

Once upon a time Archer had a burgeoning career in statistical analysis, a dream that has died a Brees-related death, but I take him back to those happy days, a time when he completed his degree based on the analysis of baseball. His system flushed, he finally pulls the Brees mask off his face and, with a twinkle in his eye, momentarily drifts back in time.

“Baseball has always been my passion, the fresh smell of the outfield grass, the crack of bat on the ball, and there’s no reason I can’t take that kind of level of statistical analysis to the gridiron. I’ve been pulling data recently for a statistical model but it all depends on the final scoring system which I believe will be finalised soon. Then I can really start crunching some numbers.”

Whether Sayles allows him to or takes any notice is a different matter entirely, of course. So how is the draft board coming in preparation for the auction?

“The prep is going well, the draft board is taking shape, we have our main targets, first and foremost is of course… No wait, you’re good at this, you lulled me in and almost got me to tell you our strategy there. You’re keeping me on edge here. I thought you said this was a relaxed interview. The questions are too probing, can we just move on?”

“Who are the biggest threats then? Who do you think will rival you to take the title?” I ask, before my mischievous side takes over and I add “Besides anyone fielding Brees.”

“No one… No one else is taking Brees. He’s mine, he’s mine.” He takes a moment, breathing deep, calming himself. “Rivals. Well, everyone’s a rival. But I guess the main one would be D-slatz [David Slater, GM of the Dynasore Losers]. He talks a big game but he needs to be taken down a peg or two. I mean what has he ever won? As for the winner? Well I’d say the Commish himself stands the best chance as he’s likely the only one that really understands the rules.”

He pauses, pulls the mask back down over his face, stands up and says in a very threatening tone “But no one is taking Drew Brees away from me.”

And with that he runs away from the table and up the stairs shouting “I’m Drew Brees. Me. I am him. I am Drew Brees”. And then he’s gone, and I can feel the whole establishment breathe a sigh of relief.

Auction Player List

This is an Excel (2007) file containing a list of players available for auction in July. While availability of players may change, and some people on this list may be cut or move teams, this will be the base list used. It is the GMs responsibility to be aware of changes that occur. If a player is bought from this list on the basis of the team they play for and that is not accurate, fault lies with the GM, not the league.

 

DynaBowl Auction Player List

The Tamworth Two

Mat Ward (left) and James 'Goody' Goodson
Mat Ward (left) and James ‘Goody’ Goodson

In January 1998, two Tamworth pigs escaped as they were being unloaded at an abattoir and went on to become a national and international cause celebre. Subsequently named Butch and Sundance, the pair were spared their certain death when The Daily Mail bought them and their exclusive story. Sixteen years later, their story is just a distant memory (the pigs died in 2010 and 2011 aged 13 and 14), but it comes rushing back to me when I ask Mat Ward and James ‘Goody’ Goodson about their DynaBowl franchise. Despite being awarded the an organisation in the fantasy NFL start-up, the pair have yet to name or locate their team and I want to know about their plans.

“Has anyone taken Tamworth?” asks Ward, an experienced tri-athlete and clearly the ‘Butch’ of this partnership, “Is Tamworth still available?”

At least the pair are singing from the same hymnsheet. “Tamworth? I hope Tamworth is available. It’s the type of intimidating locale we should be aiming for,” says Sundance… sorry, Goody.

It’s difficult to tell if they’re serious, but if the stadium plans on display in their office on the 85th floor of The Shard in central London is anything to go by then Tamworth is in for some serious regeneration. The 250,000 capacity stadium would be the largest in the world, something truly unprecedented, but at the moment it is only a pipedream.

As they appear coy about the plans for their franchise I change tack and ask about their working relationship.

“Our working relationship is very much in its nascent stages,” says Ward. “Although, I think we are agreed that James is the Head Coach and I am the waterboy.” Goody is a little more candid. ” I don’t think there will be one lead, more of a synergy of visions. A dynamic hybrid of wit and cunning. Our relationship will be the definition of ‘nuanced’. I don’t even care if that doesn’t make sense.”

It’s clear they are close. Their office features two offset desks pointing in opposite directions; between them what’s normally referred to as a ‘kissing bench’ ensures the pair are always on hand to each other.

Ward & Goodson's choice of office furniture
Ward & Goodson’s choice of office furniture

Goody sets the bar high for the partnership. ” To summarise, I think Mat and I will be the best joint managers since Steve Gritt and Alan Curbishley took over Charlton in 1991. You have been warned.”

Of course, the close working relationship can’t last, with Ward due to return to America in under a month, narrowly missing out on a chance to attend the DynaBowl auction in Sheffield on July 12.

“I’d love to make an appearance at the auction, but unfortunately it’ll have to be via video conference rather than in person,” he laments. But being bi-continental has its advantages. “With the time difference we will be able to work on our team approximately 20 hours a day without losing sleep.” It’s also clear he’s also been learning from the best: “We’ve managed to have a brief conversation or two with some league connections. I can’t reveal any names, but I will say that I’ve picked up some tips on spying on NFL teams in training.”

Belichick - "An inspiration and Adonis"
Belichick – “An inspiration and Adonis”

Goody agrees that a man on the ground across the pond will be advantageous, but it’s also obvious he expects a lot from his colleague. ” I like a tight ship. I would be disappointed if I don’t have a scout report in my inbox each Friday after Thursday Night Football from Mat.”

The light tone of the conversation comes down a little when I ask about their preparations. Both men took charge of teams in the Chatterbowl in 2013 and will be doing so again in 2014, but the DynaBowl is a whole different beast – one of Mason Verger’s killer pigs to the Chatterbowl’s sweet Tamworth piglets. So how do they feel their experiences in the Chatterbowl will prepare them?

” I love two things in life,” says Goody, “Hazing and spreadsheets. Both are mutually beneficial to the NFL. I enjoyed learning about it as a complete noob and got sucked in to reading several blogs or columns a week about it. By about 3 weeks in, I had a few spreadsheets on the go and knew who was under performing and who I wanted in the free agency.”

His preparation and research paid off as he went to the playoffs as the number 1 seed, but a disastrous 56 point performance in the semi-finals put paid to his title dreams, eventually securing the 3rd place finish. “It was tough and I still have limited knowledge on the whole thing,” he confesses. “In one way our inexperience may help us see the wood through the trees. Or maybe blow up in our faces with more busts than booms.”

Ward wasn’t quite as successful, narrowly missing the playoffs in a tight division that came down to the last week. He subsequently ‘won’ the loser ladder and a 9th place finish in the league. ” It was a pretty steep learning curve but part of me feels that coming to league with no preconceptions helped. It will be good to start the new season with a broader knowledge base of players. The big difference is the inclusion of defensive players. I’ve head of this Revis guy and the bully guy but that’s about it.”

Of course, you shouldn’t take those statements at face value. The approach of the auction means it’s every team’s duty to sell misinformation about knowledge and targets. Underestimate these two at your peril.

” James Goodson is one of the sharpest minds in fantasy sports. I’m relying on him to pick up most of the Denver Broncos’ offense remarkably cheaply again,” says Ward, referring to Goody’s Chatterbowl strategy.

One of the targets that it’s pretty well known they’re keen on is Andrew Luck, but recent analysis has shown he might not be the valuable investment people think he is. What do the pair make of that?

Mat takes the lead: “Andrew Luck is the greatest prospect since Elway. Good ‘Luck’ outbidding us for him.” But as he says it the air turns heavy. Is this the first sign of troubled waters in Tamworth?

“Mat took my only Andrew Luck joke,” says Goody, through gritted teeth, before letting on the terms he might consider sinking to should they be out bid for the QB of his dream and be negotiating a trade. “It’s no secret that I [will] suck for Luck.”

And why does he view the QB nicknamed Andrew The Giant? ” He’s an all round nice guy who falls within a nice ethical framework for our franchise. Which will probably be based out of Tamworth. No racists, no bullies, no safeties that have got away with homicide. You get the picture.”

So this is a franchise that will be investing for the long term? “Seriously, I think it’s a trap to get too focused on the medium to long-term and be always playing for 3 seasons’ time,” says Ward. “The key focus should be on the upcoming season.”

” Mat is right,” says Goody, the storm clouds now passed. “You can’t be too caught up on the long term. Even the most ardent Draft scouts regularly get it wrong. The average peak for most players is only a couple of years, which means, although it’s a high risk environment, the continual turnover of the next ‘big thing’ is pretty accommodating.”

“Still, that doesn’t mean I won’t be turning up to Sheffield with several spreadsheets, my Bluetooth headset on, and Mat on speed dial. We will have the best war room. As Mat always says, buy cheap, buy twice. We want the best players.”

As frequently as the pair speak as if they are the left and right sides of one brain, ever so often a disparity seeps through, as happens when I ask the key questions.

Who are the pre-auction favourites?

Goody: Whoever gets Andrew Luck.

Ward: Us. Next Question.

And what’s a realistic goal for the team going into the inaugural season?

Goody: To have a jolly good time and try our best. Hurrah!

Ward: DynaBowl or bust!

Either way, for Butch and Sundance, the DynaBowl is jumping in at the deep end.

Ward & Goodson dive into the DynaBowl
Ward & Goodson dive into the DynaBowl