interview – Page 2 – The DynaBowl

Trapped in an ethereal plain in a dimension outside of the human reality, it was impossible to conduct this interview face to face with The 4th Dynmension’s supremo Geoffrey Manboob (GM). Therefore, resident Dynabowl beat writer Jaunty Coving (JC) had to conduct the interview through disgraced local Sheffield psychic, Alain C’Untface (AC).

“Fill me up.”

JC: Good Morning Alain, are you ready to start? How does this work?

AC: Ah, Jaunty. Let me light these candles and we can get started. Close the curtains, would you old thing and we can begin.

JC: OK

AC: I’m starting to sense a presence. Hello? Spirits of the afterlife, do you hear me? I mean you no harm. I have come to speak with the one they call Manboob. Geoffrey, are you there? Let me be your vessel to our reality. Speak through me!

JC: Is it working?

AC: I can feel you Geoffrey. Come deep inside me. Fill me up. Let us become one.

AC starts convulsing violently, writhing around on the floor. Suddenly he stops and sits up still.

GM: Hello Dave.

JC: Mr Manboob, is that you?

GM: Yes Dave, it is I.

JC: Well shall we begin?

“I can count up to 50.”

JC: How do you feel your experience in the Chatterbowl has helped you coming into the DynaBowl?

GM: Look, the Chatterbowl and DynaBowl are completely different beasts. It’s like comparing oranges with… blood oranges. What I do have is a wealth of experience following the game (circa 25 years) and a real love of all things defensive. Having said that I have shown in the Chatterbowl that I can successfully tank and trade away anyone for future draft picks. The “Dynasty of Sadness” will always be building for the future and about two seasons away from a great roster.

JC: You’ve developed something of a bitter rivalry with David Slater [GM of the Dynasore Losers]. Are you looking forward to renewing the rivalry twice a year?

GM: It’s appropriate that D-Slatz is a Jets fan because green is certainly a colour that suits him. I’m not a massive fan of jealousy, but I admire that it’s a trait he has in spades (that and flouncing out of the huddle). I’m happy that I’m able to inspire him to reach the dizzying heights of mediocrity. In doing that at least I’m also helping the league improve. Literally dragging him up by his boot straps.

What Would Jason Campbell Do?

JC: How are the auction preparations coming along? The dynasty auction is very different from the drafts you’ve previously been involved in.

GM: Pretty well, Dave. I’ve checked and I can count up to 50 so I’m well ahead of at least half of the league in that respect. It’s building momentum so I’ll be ready come draft day.

JC: And do you have any specific players you are looking to sign to the roster?

GM: Skill positions are going to be key so don’t be surprised if I grab 2 punters and 2 kickers with my first 4 picks. Having said that, Jason Campbell sits top of my draft board. Only a fool wouldn’t have him there

JC: What’s a realistic goal for your team this season?

GM: Tank and tank hard. We’ll sink quicker than a Korean ferry.

Chopsticks + Wildcard = Danger

JC: You’ve been appointed Deputy Commissioner for the league, are you excited about the possibilities that this brings? Do you think it calls into question the judgement of Commissioner Benjamin Hendy?

GM: “Bendy” clearly has terrible judgement, look at the rabble he’s recruited for this league. However, I’m sure we’ll work well in tandem to mete out swift justice to those who play against the rule. I will literally be the iron fist to his velvet glove.

JC: Who do you think is the most dangerous coach out there?

GM: Rumour has it that Chris is a member of the KKK, so he has to be up there. Mark is 1/8th Native American and I’ve seen him catch a fly with some chopsticks. Phil is definitely the wildcard. All three are a danger to themselves and probably anyone else in their vicinity.

JC: And finally, do you have any specific messages for the rest of the league prior to the auction?

GM: Dave, would you like to buy some pegs?

JC: Geoffrey Manboob, thank you for your time. It’s been an absolute pleasure.

GM: Thank you Dave, you’re my wife now… Give me your ring!

As a driving force behind the creation of the DynaBowl, Benjamin Hendy has a lot to live up to. It’s clear that the stresses and strains of such a linchpin position have started to take their toll the moment you see just how far his hairline has receded over the past 20 years. When I ask him about how he’s coping he jokes “I just wish my beard would start to go grey and cover up the ginger flecks.” Self-deprecation seems to undercut everything he says, and while he’s clearly desperate for his franchise, the Dynablaster Bombermen, to succeed, he’s also wary of raising expectations too high.

“It’s a double-edged sword,” he says, when asked about his twin roles in formulating the league and rule book and running a franchise. “I know the rules probably better than anyone else, but the time I spend working in the league central office is time I’m not spending scouting players and formulating our draft board.”

It’s lucky, then, that he’s teaming up with Dan Smith. “Yes and no. And the only negative there is that Dan won’t be at the auction. I’ll be playing the role of auctioneer and GM bidding on players. Dan is doing invaluable work valuing players and formulating strategy, but it’s all for nought if I can’t pull it off on the day.”

Ah yes, auction strategy. The start-up league requires a method for all players to be assigned to teams and the auction provides a fairer way for players to be distributed, allowing every team an equal shot at any player they wish to chase. It’s a format which is unfamiliar to most of the league members.

“I ran an auction start-up last year” confides Hendy, “Eight teams, deep rosters. I learnt a lot of lessons from the way I ballsed that up.” He allows himself a chuckle, but the implications of messing up the DynaBowl auction run much deeper. Every player will be assigned a contract and each team will be stuck with what they have, unless they can trade or draft (or more likely a combination of the two) their way out of it.

Hendy’s team in The Chatterbowl was also unsuccessful, ending up with a 15th place finish, after coming 3rd in year 1. “I had a terrible draft. Just terrible. I reached. I took too many rookies. Things went wrong right from the beginning when I kept Ray Rice instead of LeSean McCoy. I ummed and ahhed over that one and went with conventional wisdom rather than gut, which was a mistake. But then my entire draft was gut instinct and I buggered that up too.”

“But I’ve learnt an awful lot over the last 12 months. I feel that year 1 of the Chatterbowl was almost beginners luck. Like the guy at the card table who sits down and turns over aces first hand. Second year I got dealt a bad hand – I dealt myself a bad hand – and then spent the rest of the season dealing with that. I made some good trades and waiver pick-ups, I improved my draft position for this year and have a strong keeper in Gio Bernard.”

“I’ll be disappointed without a much stronger Chatterbowl showing and I expect to be able to pull together a decent roster for the Bombermen too. And Dan is integral to that.”

He places a great emphasis on that last part, making sure that it’s clear this is a team effort. Smith has been a Chatterbowl contender in both seasons and is a strong team member and it’s clear that Hendy wants to make sure those strengths are utilised.

“You can’t waste those talents. He knows his stuff. He can evaluate talent better than I can. It’s vital to ensure that, despite the 3,000 miles between us, we work as harmoniously as possible.”

And looking forward, I ask him, how have you strategised for the auction?

“We know the players we are targeting, we feel we have some values worked out. But it’s a mystery, right? We have no idea how any other team is going to play that auction. Is someone going to come out and blow $200 on Calvin Johnson [the budget is $500 for 50 players]? That’s what makes this so tough. You can’t have one strategy, you’ve got to have 10, or 20. You’ve got to be prepared for everything that gets thrown your way.”

“We know the team structure we want, we know what we’d like to spend and who we’d like to spend it on. We have our eyes on some sleepers, but in 3 months time will they still be sleepers? Who knows?”

But then that’s what this is, a journey into the great Fantasy unknown, I say.

“Aye, that it is,” he says. “That it is.”

Most Haunted: The 4th Dynmension

BOOM goes the Dynablaster

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