Dynasore Losers – Page 10

Last year’s Supreme Chatterbowl Champion, and cruel snub in the Coach of the Year voting, Pete Conaghan steps forward to rate the 2014 rosters of the Dynabowl hopefuls after the inaugural auction… Without further ado, and in reverse order, we present the pre-season power rankings…

East Flanders Flahutes

Can a team have too many Tight Ends? Not if you are Norv Turner or the Flahutes, who have five current starters in that roster spot. While the Flahutes are strong (but not deep) at QB and RB, with Drew Brees expecting to play until he is 45, and have a solid but unspectacular receiving corps, it will be defense that lets them down, with a mixture of the aged and infirm putting them bottom of the big-play index. It is disturbing that after two weeks of intensive roster building, the Flahutes still only have 44 players.

One to watch: Kyle Rudolph, fresh off a new deal, could star in Minnesota’s new Air-Norvan offense.

Ranking: 10^th

DynaForOne Firebirds

Like the car that shares their name, the Firebirds are all muscle up front, but does that mask a worrying fragility? Beast Mode provides the bulk , while Chris Johnson provides the indecision. The WRs are a fragile bunch, while Rivers and Russell Wilson are indestructible at QB. The Tight Ends include Finley, Gates and Gronkowski, but also Garrett Graham who can step in if all the others are injured at once. The Firebirds may not have enough firepower at RB.

Defense leans heavily on grizzled veterans Julius Peppers and Justin Tuck – can they reach the sack heights of previous years? Suh and Atkins provide the interior muscle, while the linebackers will rely strongly on tackle numbers. The team as a whole has a lot of questions to answer.

One to watch: Chris Johnson joins the circus. Look out, it will be entertaining.

Ranking: 9^th

The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness

If I had to describe the Dynasty of Sadness in one word it would be: middle of the road. An unspectacular collection of established players on offense is backed up by a solid defensive unit. A group of dirt-dogs rather than stars, the Dynasty has put its faith in the gradual accumulation of points rather than Hollywood play, and has married this to the expectation of breakout performances by the likes of Montee Ball and Ladarius Green. Cam ‘Hello Kitty’ Newton stands out on offense, ably backed up by the small-handed Minnesota QB, while Eric Berry and Lavonte David are the stars of the defense. A dark horse.

One to watch: Adam Vinateri provides some much-needed youth on offense. Will he be a star?

Ranking: 8^th

Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Kelkowski also have the dubious honour of five starting Tight Ends, and have two of the marquee players in Thomas and Jordan. This is counteracted by having two QBs who have faced questions as to their heart, commitment, and accuracy under pressure. While the Firebirds have Rivers and Wilson, Kelkowski have Romo and Kaepernick. While there is only one winner there, their meeting in week 4 should be interesting.

Kelkowski will be hoping for a big year from Arian Foster, but he is ably backed up by DeMarco Murray and Zac Stacy. The WR group looks fragile, though Megatron makes up for many ills.

An aging defensive line looks misleadingly lightweight in terms of points, due to several major injuries last year. While Fairley was a beast, Knighton underperformed last year compared to his on-field value, and the team will be hoping Demarcus Ware has a new lease of life across from Von Miller. If Dansby can maintain his form with Cleveland, and Cushing comes back strong, then this group is well backed up by a strong secondary.

One to watch: Cordarelle Patterson will thrive, if they can get him the ball.

Ranking: 7^th

Tamworth Two

If Tamworth like running backs so much, why don’t they just marry them? A wide mix of player types mean the Hogs can pick and choose their strategy on any given week. More of a concern though, is whether Carson Palmer can stay upright with the level of pass rush he will face this season. Tamworth need another QB to provide depth at that position. Much is expected of an underperforming WR group, though the twin towers of Jeffrey and Jackson will alleviate concern there.

Defense is a strength for Tamworth, with a mixture of sacks and tackles being the order of the day.

One to watch: Eric Ebron should dislodge Ole Stone Hands Brandon Pettigrew in short order in Detroit.

Ranking: 6^th

Dynablaster Bombermen

Literally anchored by Mark Ingram at RB, the Bombermen will hope for great things from the SF duo of Frank Gore and Carlos Hyde, now that Kendall Hunter is out for the season. Giovanni and Ellington provide the spark for what is a great group of RBs. QBs and WRs are likewise young and exciting, with Johnny Football providing the glamour and a sprinkle of pixie dust.

Cooks, Floyd, Green and Williams lend the WR corps their explosiveness, which will be needed with the defense big on star power, but pretty pedestrian points-wise. The Williamses – the Buffalo Williamses – are the best bet for boosting the big-play index here.

The team is a pleasing blend of youngsters and vets, and should compete for the foreseeable future.

One to watch: Will Cooks make an impact for the Saints straight away?

Ranking: 5^th

Champions of the Sun

The Champions have an interesting selection dilemma each week, neatly represented by their split personality QB corps. Should they go for gunslinger Jay Cutler, or mild-mannered accountant Alex Smith? Should they go for plodding Bell and Jones-Drew, or dual threat Spiller and Tate? Will they go with the big-play potential of Maclin and Jackson, or the red-zone chops of ‘fading’ stars Nicks and White? A nicely balanced group makes selection on offense difficult.

Defense is bolstered by the spectacular Robert Quinn, who is targeting 20 sacks this year, and is well backed up by a group of excellent, if mostly injured linebackers. Tackle numbers should be high with this group.

One to watch: Can Khalil Mack be a pass rush threat, or will he have his hands full against a rush-heavy schedule?

Ranking: 4^th

Dyna Hard

Dyna Hard are well stocked at running back, with marquee names Charles and Morris leading the charge, but a dependency on Matthew Stafford could be worrying if he was to get hurt. At least he should have three quality receivers to throw to this year, allaying concerns about his decision making. The jury is still out on backup Sam Bradford, who may only see time on the bye week and in case of emergency.

Antonio Brown is the star among a motley WR crew. Tavon Austin and Julian Edelman need to produce, but Dynahard may be hoping for an immediate impact from Buffalo’s Sammy Watkins.

Greg Hardy’s upcoming hearing with the NFL will be of concern on D, but JJ Watt and Osi U should be able to fill in adequately. Miller, Clowney, Worrilds and Ogletree should be a source of sacks galore, making this front seven a potential difference-maker on any given week.

One to watch: Can you say YAC? Manuel to Watkins is one to watch.

Ranking: 3^rd

Dynasore Losers

Drafting established stars seems to have been the MO for the Losers, with solid depth all through the team. Win Now is the mantra on Offense: there are a lot of miles on the RB and QB clocks, and that group may need to be totally rebuilt in the coming years. A lot will be expected of Emmanuel Sanders in Denver, and the difficulty again may be selecting the right starters among the WRs.

The opposite seems true of the defense, which has a nice mix of rookies and second- and third-year studs on the defensive line. Tamba Hali and Ryan Kerrigan provide the pass rush to complement Wilkerson and Dunlap.

One to watch: Will Derek Carr be the future of this team? Tune into Oakland games round about week 6 to find out.

Ranking: 2^nd

Here Come the Brees

Balance. That’s the watchword of Here Come the Brees, who have assembled a team that pleases on most fronts. Youth and experience at QB is backed up by a (potentially) high quality stable of running backs. Likewise the WRs are a mixture of possession guys and big-time burners, with a lot of potential for big plays.

Defense consists of a collection of sack machines, who will ensure competitiveness on the defensive side of the ball. The toughest decision on both offense and defense could be who to play on any given week.

One to watch: Will Ray Rice be a distraction to the team? Can he rediscover his form of two years ago?

Ranking: 1^st

David Slater's pre-auction home — David Slater’s pre-auction home

East Germany – 1980

Argentina – 1986

Chelsea – 2004-6

David Slater & the Dynasore Losers – 2014?

What do they have in common? They were all despised by their competitors, and the only question is will Slater and the Losers join that list of champions?

It’s fair to say that Slater’s abrasive nature hasn’t endeared him to his fellow GMs. In the interviews I have conducted so far he’s been labelled ‘jealous’, ‘mediocre’, and ‘unpopular’, while off the record the comments have been much more scathing, with questions raised about his parentage, his counting skills and his ability to make high quality balloon animals for a children’s birthday party. It’s fair to say that he’s set himself up as the man everyone wants to beat.

When I meet him at his underground bunker, buried deep in the Bavarian hillside, I ask him how he feels to be the centre of such ire.

UGLY

“I can’t help being better,” he says with a bravado that doesn’t really suit an Arsenal fan. “Envy is an ugly emotion, bringing low the best of men. And the DynaBowl is not overflowing with the best of men.”

It’s clear, then that the contempt flows both ways.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he counters. “I have great respect for Dan Smith, a fine competitor and close divisional rival in the Chatterbowl. Chris [Braithwaite] has finished strongly in each of the Chatterbowl’s seasons and has a ridiculously anal understanding of the Rams depth chart – exactly the sort of crucial details that will make a difference in a highly charged competition such as the DynaBowl – and Max [Cubberley] is always sneaky good. As for the rest, [Dan] Sayles is the closest thing I have to a bogey team in the Chatterbowl. However, by teaming up with Ben [Archer] and tasking him with auctioning their team, he’s torpedoed any chance they had before it starts. At the other end of the scale, Geoffrey [Manboob] is the only coach I know who could lower the combined footballing acumen of Kelkowski [Jay Kelly and Ian Kulkowski].”

So it’s not everyone that is a target for his barbs, but it’s noticeable that in refuting the charge of contempt for his competition, he ends with a vicious put down of three of them. But he’s not entered the DynaBowl to make friends, and, despite the team name, he’s not entered to lose either.

Slater, like Hitler, has only got one ball

“It’s a play on the town name, Dynasore. We’re the Sore Losers, see,” he explains. “This will be a team stacked with winners, men who will sacrifice a testicle to ensure victory, who will take every defeat personally and will never be satisfied, on or off the field. Like their coach.”

I try to ask him what victory he secured by sacrificing his testicle but he quickly wants to change the subject. Well, changed it back to backhanded insults to the rest of the league.

“Now, the commissioner, there’s a man doing a fine job, but he probably needs to remind himself what sunlight is.” Not wanting a compliment to slip by without a little something below the belt, he continues “Also, if he could take over a lot of the draft research and scouting work from Coach Smith that would be excellent.”

This might all make good copy, but that’s not what I’m here for. I want to get under the skin of a man who will be at the centre of whatever s happening in the league. I want to know what makes him tick. This is a man who had an ignominious start to fantasy life, missing the playoffs after a wholly unremarkable first season in the Chatterbowl, but made great strides in year two, securing 3rd seed, though ultimately dropping out at the first hurdle. So what was behind this sharp change in fortunes and what will he be carrying forward to The DynaBowl from that experience?

SCARED

“The first Chatterbowl season started well enough, but bye cover was a serious issue and my results went south when I was required to rotate players,” he says, though there’s a whiff of revisionism about the statement. The Dechlorinators started 2-0 against 2 of the worst teams in the league, but were never more than average as the season went on, finishing 6-7. “In the second year, building a stronger bench was a priority, and that will be even more important in Dynabowl with a greater depth of players drafted and less opportunities to retool on the fly via waivers. My strategy of turning every match into a rivalry, and even matches that didn’t happen such as those with Geoffrey – who I outscored every single week in this year’s Chatterbowl – also paid dividends, this strategy worked well for Gareth [Simpson, who left the league after 1 year] in the inaugural Chatterbowl season, as he scared opponents into having their worst weeks against him.”

Certainly that rings true, a strong bench is vital in such a deep league, and with only 10 teams, compared to the 16 competing for the Chatterbowl, The DynaBowl is bound to be that much more hard fought when it comes to strength in depth. So where does he see the value coming from?

CATASTROPHIC and INEXPLICABLE

“Too often people undervalue solid players in the peak of their careers to overpay for potential in a dynasty setting, no player in the Dynabowl is ever more than a week away from a serious injury, or the catastrophic and inexplicable loss of form that inevitably follows being drafted into Geoffrey’s team. I’ll be focusing as much on talent as potential.”

It’s well known that Slater is a man who treats a spreadsheet like he’s making love to a beautiful woman – he starts with a VLOOKUP her skirt, pivots her over a table, before encountering a #NAME error and spending half an hour trying to work out what the problem is and then giving up. Given his love for a good stat, how much is he enjoying getting his hands dirty with data and pulling together his auction board?

The Slater 'War Room', where the 'magic' happens. — The Slater ‘War Room’, where the ‘magic’ happens.

Slater takes me through from his bunker-office to his ‘War Room’. In the centre of the room is a large table with models-cum-voodoo-dolls of each of his opponents spread out across it. As I get closer I see that the table has a map of Europe drawn on it and it appears that Slater is pushing the dolls about as though they were armoured Divisions in the Second World War. It’s here that his strategy has been developed. It makes little sense to the layman, but to a megalomaniac such as Slater, this is the battlefield where the war will be won.

“I have a complicated multi-dimensional model, evaluating every possible element of performance, risk of injury or the kind of personality issues that see you traded to Tampa Bay, and then using them to build a complex value model, but much like poker, an auction is as much about playing the opponent as the bids.” There is some solid gold wisdom in there about how to approach the auction process, but it’s soon lost as Slater again takes to undermining his opponents. “In order to predict the behavior of the other GMs I have also devised a complicated system to predict their bids, using a series of hats, some small pieces of paper and a random number generator. In order to help myself think like Geoffrey I have taken to smashing my head into a wall repeatedly to induce brain damage.”

MY BELOVED JETS

So who are the targets? He’s clearly worked long and hard at his hit list and won’t be happy without getting some of his top men. “No one player makes a team, but there are plenty who can ruin one. I will be taking my beloved Jets approach of drafting and signing utter shite, and relying on a great coach to get the most out of them. I will consider getting a tattoo of a woman wearing the jersey of my major signing as this proved a masterstroke in making Mark Sanchez one of the most famous players in the NFL. Rex is a genius at motivating people.”

And what of the strategy. I can’t believe that Slater will approach the auction without some trickery up his sleeve, but the man plays his cards close to his chest. He clearly has some ideas but we’ll have to wait and see how they play out in the long run. In the meantime, he’ll continue to work on the morale of his opponents. “I have a number of plans, I will bankrupt Kelkowski by nominating Barkevious Mingo with my first selection, I have a Drew Brees look-a-like scheduled to walk past the venue early on, to distract Bean long enough to avoid excessive bidding on any Saints players, and I will be eating a veritable feast of curry, mushy peas and beans the evening before to enable me to wage a form of chemical warfare on the other GMs and make this a war of attrition as much as one of wits. Or perhaps I will be doing none of the above. By turning up on the correct day, at the correct time, I suspect I will have a significant advantage over a couple of the other coaches.”

And so, given the general tenor of the interview, it seems only right to end by asking a direct question about his opponents. What message does he want to send out to them?

“Are you going to put money towards a second place trophy, so you have something to compete for each year?”

David Slater: You’ve got to love him, or you’ll lose your shit.

Chatterbowl Champ Rates DynaBowl Runners & Riders

“Love me like I love the Jets!” Pleads Slater

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