Tag: Dyna Hard

Around the Grounds: Week 2

Around The Grounds League Business No Comments

by Jaunty Coving

Welcome one and all to week 2 and join me now as we go… around the grounds.

The NFL was rocked this week by scandal as it was revealed that Here Comes the Brees GM, Ban Saycher, has attempted to sneak over-priced rookie RB Tre Mason onto his taxi squad in violation of league rules.  Sanctions from the league are pending but, in this reporter’s opinion, it is a true shame to see the sport we love brought so low.

Amongst this upheaval, Here Comes the Brees also cut RB Ray Rice, which nobody noticed because it wasn’t relevant or interesting in any way.

Arteveldestadion: Hogs @ Flahutes

The Tamworth Two arrived in the Arteveldestation on a high after a resounding week 1 victory, looking like one of the teams to beat in this year’s Owl.  This was the inaugural game for the Flahutes in their new home, a state-of-the-art green arena made of recycled tofu and broken dreams, built at tremendous expense by the local community of Moomins.

The Flahutes had their problems in the first game, not least of which was the absence of GM Philip Malcolm.  Malcolm gave a cursory press conference mid-week but, once again, it was Goodwill Childress, his Namibian adopted son, who was calling the plays at the weekend.

The Hogs started on the front foot with Adam Rodgers overcoming a very shaky start against the Jets to the biggest QB performance of the week, passing for 346 yards, 3 TDs and a 2 pointer, as well as scrambling for 28 yards.  Toby Gerhart’s incredible 1.1 YPC managed not to keep the Hogs down too much and they logged a decent score on offence for the day, laying the groundwork for their defence, which had been dominant in week 1, to do the business.

For all Goodwill Childress’ bluster, the Flahutes seemed at one point to be going quietly into the night with one of the lowest offensive totals heading into Sunday night.  Brandon Marshall added a sheen of respectability to proceedings with an unlikely 3 TD grabs and a strong showing from special teams kept the game close on the offensive side of the ball.

The Flahutes knew they needed something special on defence and were bolstered by the site of Gerald McCoy exiting for the Tamworth Two early on with a wrist injury.  Inspired, they put up good numbers across the defence, led by Sen’Derrick Marks (10.5), DJ Swearinger (14.5) and Jerod Mayo (7).  Any other week Childress could have been happy with Jason Hatcher’s 1.5 sacks but, considering the incredible 8 sacks given up by the Jacksonville O-line, he may feel this was an opportunity missed.

The injury to McCoy seemed to do nothing but fire up the Hogs D-line who still managed to score the most points on the week courtesy of 2 sacks for Jurell Casey and 2 sacks and a blocked punt TD for Chandler Jones.  The game was all but won at this point and the rest of Mames Goodsard’s defence put it away comfortably with the likes of Larry Foote, Kam Chancellor, Luke Kuechly and Alterraun Verner looking refined.

Tamworth Two confirmed their status as front-runners for the Owl after week 1 with the top scoring defence of the week.  With that side of the ball scoring so dominantly the offence just needs to keep ticking over as it is and more wins will come.  The Flahutes, meanwhile, slip to 1-1 but there was no shame in defeat here as they were actually the 4th top scoring team on the week.

Tamworth Two 183 – 157 East Flanders Flahutes

Jurassic Park: Sadness @ Losers

One of the bigger surprises of week 1 was the performance of the DynaSore Losers defence, a group not fancied by many.  After a home win last weekend, there came a good opportunity to go 2-0 thanks to another home game against week 1 strugglers the Dynasty of Sadness.  Sadness’ GM, Geoffrey Manboob, reluctantly agreed to play a more conventional formation in week 2 and the fans were relieved to see him name a starting quarterback, although some were nonplussed as to why sketchy sicknote Jake Locker had been given the nod over Cam Newton.

Such fears appeared well-founded as Locker struggled to 234 yards, 1 TD and 2 interceptions whilst Cam Newton put in one of the best QB performances of the week from the sideline.  The inconsistency epitomised by Locker seemed to pervade the whole offence as for every Dez Bryant (16.3 points) and Eric Decker (12.3) performance there was a Dwayne Allen (0) or Riley Cooper (0.8).  The Sadness limped to 72 points on offence, the worst showing of the week.

David Slater could be seen chuckling with star QB Peter Manning on the sideline as the pair watched the Sadness offence but the smile was quickly wiped from his face as Knowshon Moreno exited the game injured after only 1 carry for 4 yards.  With the rest of the Losers’ RB corps putting up only 6.8 points Peter had to step up and shoulder the burden.  He duly obliged, delivering a suitably high calibre performance and, along with Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Graham, the high power Losers offence showed some of the form we expected preseason with a dominant score.

With a nearly 40 point lead on Mangboob from offence the Losers, to be frank, didn’t need much from their defence but a matchup against a shocking Jacksonville O-line cares not for circumstance and Ryan Kerrigan strolled to 4 sacks and a monumental 31 points (this single performance was more than one other team’s entire defence would produce for the week, more of that later).  The rest of the Losers’ D shrugged their shoulders and went for ice cream, leaving Kerrigan to his work.

No-one would really have blamed the Sadness’ defence for going home early.  Most of their fans did.  They did a professional job, however, with the D-line in particular coming up trumps with plenty of tackles, a forced fumble and a sack between Calais Campbell and Jared Allen.  An injury to Eric Berry that could keep him out for some time was the salt in the wound of defeat for Geoffrey Manboob who left the stadium staring daggers at Cam Newton.

The Losers have got off to a strong start, albeit against teams that have started slowly.  It’s positively terrifying to consider what this team might do on offence when their RBs fire and with Josh Gordon still to come back.  The Sadness improved their points total from last week but still found themselves the worst scoring team and it looks like a long season ahead.  But who would have expected anything else?

Dynasty of Sadness 130 – 187 Dynasore Losers

Hudson Soft Play Arena: Firebirds @ Bombermen

Sometimes you just have one of those days.  It must have felt very much like one of those days to Danjamin Hendith as he sat on the sideline with AJ Green receiving treatment in the locker room and watching Antonio Gates catch his third TD pass of the game against the supposedly unplayable Legion of Boom.  Coming off the back of an unfortunate week 1 defeat to the Champions of the Sun the Bombermen must have felt confident of getting a win on the board against Neil Hawke’s so-far-underwhelming Firebirds.  It was just one of those days.

The misery wasn’t restricted to AJ Green’s goose egg.  After busting out for 43 points last week, Hendith could only watch as Brandin Cooks, Michael Floyd and Kelvin Benjamin sputtered to 11 points, leaving his receiving corps the worst of the week by some margin.  Matt Ryan and the RBs struggled similarly, with the exception of Giovani Bernard, and suddenly the Bombermen looked more like the team of raw talent that we thought had been drafted.

The Seattle San Diego game aside though, the Firebirds weren’t looking much better.  Big zeros from James Starks and Marques Colston plus underwhelming days from the Gronk and CJ2K left the game more open than one would have thought from the Bombermen’s lacklustre showing.

Both teams struggled similarly for consistency on defence too.  Ndamukung Suh and Leodis McKelvin came up with big plays for the ‘Birds whilst Trent Cole, Clay Matthews and (for the 2nd week in a row) Kyle Williams did similarly for the Bombermen.  With pathetic performances from Hawke’s LBs cancelled out by equal levels of Pap from Hendith’s DBs the result stayed the same.  The Firebirds’ advantage from wily vet Antonio Gates was enough to win the day.

The Bombermen came crashing back down to Earth this week with a combination of bad luck and youthful inexperience exposing some gaps on the roster.  This will likely be a team that yo-yos from week-to-week throughout the year, making them a risky, volatile opponent.  The Firebirds, meanwhile, seem to be a solid, if unspectacular, outfit at this point.  The strength of the roster is in Julio Jones and Demaryius Thomas and the defensive tackles who have, with Suh excepted, been quiet through 2 weeks.  If the big names don’t start to produce the Firebirds could end up mired in obscurity this year.

DynaForOne Firebirds 150 – 140 Dynablaster Bombermen

Mahoney Memorial Stadium: Champions @ Rules

It was only week 2 of the season but already some media outlets had built this game up into a potential Owl preview as the two top scorers from week 1, and divisional rivals, went head-to-head at Mahoney Memorial Stadium.  The hype was only exacerbated by fightin’ talk from both GMs prior to the match.  In the end, however, the encounter was disappointingly one sided.

Champions’ GM The Dayman had been complaining prior to kick-off about injuries to his roster (though in truth, few of the team that started last week were injured).  Nothing seemed particularly amiss at first as Jay Cutler put in the 2nd best QB performance of the week and the Champions’ RB corps put up the week’s highest total to boot.   Unfortunately the Champions’ thin roster was quickly exposed as their receiving corps and special teams put up the 2nd worst combined score of the week to counterbalance this.  Despite these problems the Dayman’s boys racked up a respectable 104 points on offence without leaving any big plays on the bench.

After a dominating week 1 performance, Jan Kelkowski must have felt confident that his team could outscore the Champions, even with their decent offensive showing.  Although Colin Kaepernick misfired the same could not be said for the rest of the offence.  DeMarco Murray and Arian Foster nearly outscored the 3-man Champions’ running attack on their own and the Rules’ receiving corps put up a punishing 74 points thanks to Delanie Walker (20) and Randall Cobb (18).

With the ball turned over to the defences, Rules had a healthy 38 point lead but couldn’t afford to be complacent against week 1’s top-scoring defensive unit.  Kelkowski’s line was quiet, shuffling for only 6 points but Karlos Dansby and co. put in a strong showing at LB.  Inspired by the play in front of them Darrelle Revis and Bernard Pollard combined for 13 tackles, a sack and an interception to give Kelkowski the 4th highest scoring defence to go with his top scoring offence.

The bar was set high for the Champions as they needed 104 points from the defence, exactly 1 point more than they’d scored the week before.  With Cameron Wake and Robert Quinn ready to chow down on their opponents like Kobyashi steak though, anything was possible.  Unfortunately, instead of the ferocious Champions’ pass rush, a group of Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie impersonators took to the field instead and, in that light, the 30 points scored by the Champions’ defence should be seen as a positive.  Even if it was 1 fewer point than Ryan Kerrigan scored on his own.

Kelkowski’s DynaRules look like strong early favourites for the Owl as the only team to post consecutive 200 point performances.  Their receiving corps is, frankly, terrifying.  The only concern might be a reliance on a pair of brittle running backs but neither Arian Foster or DeMarco Murray are showing any signs of breaking down yet.  The Champions, meanwhile, went from first to worst on defence though if Jay Cutler and their running backs can keep the production up, their pass rushers could propel them to the playoffs yet, even though there will be some prize turkey weeks like this.

Champions of the Sun 134 – 208 Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Nakatomi Plaza Stadium: Brees @ Hard

Two teams entered the blood-soaked arena in the basement of Nakatomi Plaza in downtown LA with violence on the mind.  For Ban Saycher, the sight of his hero, Drew Brees, in opposing colours had left him in a murderous rage all week..  For Chris Braithwaite, the pain of leaving everything out on the field but still being trodden on by the DynaRules was raw and his team was pumped up, knowing a similar performance would likely result in the win.

The early news for the Breeses was bad as an injury to Doug Martin kept him out of the game.  An early knock to RGIII also hurt them as his replacement, Kirk Cousins, seemed not to have much Chemistry with Brees’ WR Pierre Garcon, resulting in only 12 yards worth of production for the usual target machine.  Dispirited by this, the rest of the Breeses’ offence limped to the half.  Andrew Luck’s connection with his TEs, Zach Ertz and Martellus Bennett provided some good numbers but the RBs and WRs were a wasteland of morose sighs that left the Breeses second only the Dynmension of Sadness in poor offensive play.

Scenting blood, the home crowd of coke-fuelled corporate suits and sophisticated German terrorists roared their team on.  An early injury to Jamaal Charles had the opposite effect on the Hards as Garcon’s had on the Breeses as the rest of the team rallied round to cover.  Alfred Morris smashed the Jacksonville run defence for 85 yards and two scores while Sammy Watkins built on his week 1 promise for 117 yards and a TD.  In total the Hards offence romped home with 105 points, the third best offensive score of the week.

At half-time Ban Saycher could be seen imploring and chastising his team in equal measure before a firm slap on the rump of each man sent his defence out to do their work.  Clearly disgusted with their offensive counterparts, the Breeses’ D set about building a good score.  Aaron Donald continued to show his promise as he came home with 17 points and Daryl Smith (15) and Tramon Williams (16) put in big contributions too.  The rest of the defence was solid but not spectacular and at the end of it Here Comes the Brees were only up 38 with DynaHard’s entire defence yet to play.

Call it complacency, call it bad luck, call it what you will but the DynaHard defence fell at the final hurdle on the field.  A sack for Von Miller and a fumble recovery by CJ Mosley were the only big plays on the team as the unit combined for only 34 points, leaving them agonizingly short of the win and dropping them to 0-2.

Chris Braithwaite can point to injuries to Charles and Ryan Matthews or to the decision to leave Bryan Anger on the bunch.  A change in any of the 3 would have given DynaHard the win.  They’re not a bad team though and should be able to recover to respectability from here.  The injury to Charles and Greg Hardy’s move to the exempt list may put a kibosh on more ambitious aims for the season though.  For the Breeses, they showed here that they can win in a tight spot and scrap for a result.  It wasn’t pretty but it got the job done and they’ll need more results like that to build a good season off the back of this win.

Here Comes the Brees 143 – 139 Dyna Hard

Standings

Rk Franchise W-L-T Strk PF PA Div
PETER
1 Tamworth Two 2-0-0 W2 370 291 2-0-0
2 Dynasore Losers 2-0-0 W2 350 255 1-0-0
3 East Flanders Flahutes 1-1-0 L1 328 331 1-1-0
4 Here Comes the Brees 1-1-0 L1 299 304 0-1-0
5 The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness 0-2-0 L2 257 374 0-2-0
TIM
1 Kelkowski Don’t Play By No DynaRules 2-0-0 W2 423 331 2-0-0
2 DynaForOne Firebirds 1-1-0 W1 275 303 1-0-0
3 Champions of the Sun 1-1-0 L1 362 404 1-1-0
4 Dyna Hard 0-2-0 L2 336 366 0-1-0
5 Dynablaster Bombermen 0-2-0 L2 336 377 0-2-0

 

Week 3 Games

  • The game of the week takes place at Mahoney Memorial Stadium where someone will lose a perfect record as DynaRules take on the Tamworth Two.
  • DynaHard, meanwhile, face a tough task to record their first win as they take the helicopter to Isla Nublar to face David Slater’s 2-0 Dynasore Losers.
  • The bookies think MANGBOOB may have a chance for his first win at the Firebird Dome in what is predicted to be a very close game between the Sadness and the ‘Birds.
  • Here Come The Brees come to Paddy’s Pub uncertain whether they will face the dominant Champions of week 1 or the timid laughing stock of week 2. Vegas thinks they have the edge though and who are we to argue with them.
  • Danjamin Hendith will look to break the losing streak in their second home game of the season as they entertain the East Flanders Flahutes in a favourable matchup.

Around The Grounds: Week 1

Around The Grounds League Business No Comments

by Jaunty Coving

Welcome to a new season of fantasy football and the first ever edition of Around the Grounds, the weekly recap column highlighting the movers and shakers in the world’s premier fantasy football league, the Dynabowl. Each week this reporter will be taking you through the different matchups of the week looking for big plays, important calls and missed opportunities.

The Drew Brees Memorial Stadium: Flahutes @ Brees

We start off at the Drew Brees Memorial Stadium with its iconic onyx and jade statue on the external concourse, depicting the legend himself in seductive repose. There are times in the pre-season where Brees boss Dan Saycher seemed a little overwhelmed by his new position. That, combined with the sour taste felt by fans at seeing Drew Brees in the colours of the Flahutes, led to an apprehensive air around the stadium pre kick-off. This was nothing compared to the storm of controversy when Flahutes manager Phil Malcolm didn’t even turn up to the match though. His team and backroom staff appeared in panicked disarray when they realised their GM wasn’t in attendance and this reporter merely shook his head in weary resignation to see the glorious game brought low.

In the early game, the Breeses stuttered on offence with Bernard Pierce and Brian Hartline, in particular, looking out of their depth at this level. Respectable showings from Zach Ertz (a star in the making) and Miami Dolphins forgotten man Lamar Miller masked some of the pain. Unfortunately it was a weak late effort from the Breeses too as Doug Martin and Keenan Allen fluffed their lines and Victor Cruz could only watch in bafflement as Eli Manning gave the ball away to the Lions’ defence rather than pass it to him. The lone bright spot on offence, a position this player is used to, was Andrew Luck whose trademark black magic nearly brought the Colts back into a game where they should have been dead and buried.

Things weren’t much better for the Breeses on the defensive side of the ball either where the DEs and LBs looked disinterested, failing to make plays. Rookie DT Aaron Donald had a promising debut with a pair of tackles for loss and Harrison Smith, the week’s top scorer, tried to make up for the unit’s deficiencies with a monumental 80 yard pick 6. From the bench Michael Bennett, Kendall Wright and Christian Kirksey could only watch as their teammates floundered.

The Breeses were there for the taking but with the confusion on the bench, it remained to be seen if the Flahutes could take advantage. In the absence of the GM, team affairs and play calling was handled by Goodwill Childress, Phil Malcolm’s 15-year-old Namibian adopted son. Probably the biggest decision to be made was the call on TE with the Flahutes being particularly stacked at that position. Childress opted for Charles Clay and Jason Witten and the decision looked like that of an adolescent as the two combined for a paltry 4.1 points as the 14.9 points of Kyle Rudolph and Dennis Pitta fumed on the side-line. Seemingly unhappy at playing against his home club, Drew Brees put in a lacklustre showing too and this matchup really started to look like it would come down to who could be the least incompetent. The Flahutes’ defence wasn’t having any of it though and, led by San’Derrick Marks, Chicago’s Willie Young and Flacco-nut-crusher Vontaze Burfict they racked up good points in a ferocious 3-4 formation. In the secondary Jairus Byrd forced a fumble to score some big points too and, fortunately for Childress, the Flahutes claimed the win despite leaving big points on the bench in the form of Raiders’ LB Sio Moore (31.0) and Seahawks’ CB Byron Maxwell (18.35). What the future holds for the GM-less Flahutes is less certain but, for now, they are 1-0 and able to reflect on a win, if a shaky one.

East Flanders Flahutes 165 – 147 Here Comes the Brees

Through the Looking Glass: Two @ Sadness

Thunderheads glowered over the dilapidated shell of the Looking Glass as the 4th Dynmension of Sadness fans prepared for another season of disappointment under long-suffering GM Geoffrey Manboob. The history of this franchise is a storied one of failure and heartbreak with any meagre success being only a precursor to a greater downfall. The Tamworth Two, meanwhile, came off a fine pre-season raring to go and their boisterous fans (or Hogs as they call themselves) filled the stadium with their oinking.

The tone of the game was set early on when Sadness quarterback Cam Newton briefly appeared from the locker room door, sniffed the air, shook his head and went back in, curling into a foetal position and refusing to play. Young whippersnapper Jake Locker scampered around the GM’s feet asking to play but the man they call MANGBOOB decided instead to run a strange wildcat formation for the game. Freed of the need to even consider pass-blocking, the Sadness O-line made a decent fist of run-blocking, allowing Montee Ball, Joique Bell and Shane Vereen to amass a good total, combining for 3 TDs and 154 rushing yards. For one of the cheaper RB attacks in the league it bodes well for the season ahead.

Unsurprisingly, however, the pass attack fared less well with none of the Sadness receivers cracking double figure points off trick plays and passes from punter Brandon Fields. On the other side of the ball, the Sadness LBs put up a good show with 37 total tackles but the expensively assembled secondary largely moped around uselessly and DE Calais Campbell walked off the field after one snap, muttering something about leaving the iron on at home. He did not return. The Sadness can look forward to having Linval Joseph back next week at least after he fully recovered from his accidental nightclub shooting in the off-season.

Without wishing to be unkind, Mames Goodsard could have sent out his practice squad and come away with a win against the shambolic Dynmension of Sadness this week. It is a testament to the man’s professionalism that his team played and played hard. Offence was a mixed bag with Adam Rodgers struggling against the Seahawks D, Alshon Jeffery struggling with injury and Michael Crabtree struggling under the weight of his combined ego and sense of entitlement. Vernon Davis had a big game though with 2 TDs and Mike Wallace showed that maybe last season was a blip, coming up with 12.1 points despite his dinghy being moored at Revis Island for the whole game.

A modest Tamworth Two attack was completely shown up by a dominant defensive display. Potential DPOY candidate Gerald McCoy led the charge with 8 tackles and a sack but outgoing DPOY Luke Kuechly wasn’t willing to be outshone, coming away with a sack of his own, a forced fumble and 9 tackles. Overall the Two’s LB corps was the strongest on the day. A strong secondary showing and good scores across the board left the result in no doubt as the Tamworth defence easily put the misfiring Sadness offence to bed. The Tamworth Two look strong for the season to come with a good first team showing backed by the best scoring bench in the league this week. For the Dynmension of Sadness, the season could be a long one unless MANGBOOB can persuade his star players to start playing up to their salaries.

Tamworth Two 187 – 127 4th Dynmension of Sadness

Jurassic Park: Firebirds @ Losers

It was a glorious, sunny day on Isla Nublar as Neil Hawke brought his Firebirds to Jurassic Park to face-up against pantomime villain David Slater’s DynaSore Losers. Hawke’s team had already put up 44 points from Seattle’s whipping of Green Bay on Thursday, setting the Losers onto the back foot immediately. Slater was said to be in confident mood though, trusting in, among others, his elite running-back group to get him through.

Matt Forte duly obliged with 169 yards from scrimmage, although he did miss the end zone. Adrian Peterson and Reggie Bush struggled somewhat, the former putting up decent yards but no scores and the latter suffering from shared time with Joique Bell. With 19.4 point-scoring Knowshon Moreno on the bench Slater may wonder if he made the right call, though it would have been a brave move to put Moreno in for the first week given his uncertain situation in Miami. The fans will surely be clamouring for him next week now though.

The rest of the Losers’ offence put up fairly solid numbers but only Peter Manning really lived up to expectations with a 22.46 point performance. The Losers will surely look for more luck in the end zone from the likes of Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Graham in future weeks.

The Firebirds’ offence, meanwhile, were in buoyant mood, spurred by a huge haul from Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson. The rest of the offence duly obliged with Chris Johnson scoring 15.1 points on his Jets debut and Rob Gronkowski finding the end zone. Hawke may wonder what could have been for Julio Jones though as the receiver racked up 116 yards but fumbled at the goal-line once and was stopped on it a second time.

On offence, the two teams were almost perfectly poised, each scoring 98 points and change. Like other key matchups this week, this game would come down to the defences. The serious question marks hung over the Losers as David Slater had seemed to take a somewhat dismissive approach to defence on draft day and, looking across the field to the likes of Geno Atkins and Ndamukong Suh on the Firebirds’ line he may have harboured some doubts about this approach.

He needn’t have worried. Neil Hawke could be seen bouncing up and down the Firebirds’ touchline in frustration as his defence failed to create anything of significant value. Suh and Atkins both misfired and Derick Johnson succumbed to an ACL tear likely to keep him out for the season. Mason Foster pulled 9 tackles out of the bag but with such a poor performance from his line, Hawke needed his secondary to put up big numbers. Unfortunately they could not oblige. Despite putting up solid numbers, a lack of big plays left the Firebirds in a hole with by far the weakest defensive showing of the week.

With their opponents so ineffective, the Losers strolled him with the win, big plays from William Moore and Logan Ryan propping them up and DeAndre Levy nearly outscoring the Firebirds’ D on his own. Levy finished the day with 2 tackles for a loss, 10 total tackles, 1 pass defended and an expertly controlled interception for 21.05 points.

For the Firebirds, better days will be ahead. The talent on defence did not produce in the moment but should be fine over the season and with a slick looking Seattle offence leading the line they can rely on some big numbers. The Losers’ policy of older, big names on offence did not pay off handsomely in Jurassic Park today but, like the Firebirds’ defence, they will over the season and, even on an off day, they put up good numbers. The key for the Losers will be whether their unheralded defence can continue to put up solid, middle-of-the-pack numbers to season’s end to bolster them.

DynaForOne Firebirds 125 – 162 Dynasore Losers

Paddy’s Pub: Bombermen @ Champions

A mish-mash crowd of hobos and vaudevillian stage magicians gathered around the old recreational field behind Paddy’s Pub to watch as The Dayman’s pet project NFL team played host to the Dynablaster Bombermen and their half-Canadian, half-Commissioner GM Danjamin Hendith. Coming into the season, both teams could have been pegged as ones more for the future with their eyes firmly on youth in the draft so there was little expectation of immediate fireworks in this matchup (Editor’s note: no allegation or reference to ongoing criminal proceedings was intended by the previous statement).

The Champions came out of the gate hard on offence as a flurry of activity in the 2nd quarter saw big scores for Roddy White, CJ Spiller and DeAndre Hopkins. Jay Cutler waxed and waned across the game, at points jumping ahead through a TD pass, at other times leaving the Dayman with his head in his hands by throwing a pick to Bomberman DT Kyle Williams, causing a 12 point swing in one play. Le’veon Bell also scored well for the Champions, sprinting to 197 total yards and a score. The only black spots on the Champions’ day on offence were early injuries to Ben Tate and Jordan Reed, forcing both out of the game before they could make significant impact. The Dayman can, at least take solace in the fact that Tate’s likely replacement is already on the roster between Terrance West and Isaiah Crowell.

At half time in this fixture things were not looking good for the Bombermen who had yet to click on offence with AJ Green, in particular, uncharacteristically quiet. That would all change though as the Bengals WR exploded on a huge catch and run that left him on 19.6 points for the day. The Bombermen’s receiving corps as a whole performed excellently with big days for Kelvin Benjamin (15.2), Michael Floyd (12.1), Terrance Williams (11) and Greg Olsen (14.3). Although Hendith’s RBs were pedestrian by comparison, Matt Ryan led the team to 139 points on offence on the day, good for the 2nd highest scoring total.

With the Bombermen marginally ahead on offence both GMs turned to their defences to provide. Clay Matthews had already weighed in for the Bombermen on Thursday night with a forced fumble giving him a nice total to go alongside Kyle Williams’ pick of Cutler. The rest of the team could only muster a couple of sacks from Ahmad Brooks and Mario Williams though with the secondary, in particular, weak, able to come up with only 7.5 points between them. The field was open for the Champions to capitalise but could they?

The answer, simply, was yes. Cameron Wake led the way with 2 strip-sacks to propel him to 31.5 points, second highest point scorer on the week. Not wanting to be outdone, Jamie Collins’ forced fumble, Justin Houston’s 2 sacks and Wesley Woodyard’s sack and 5 tackles boosted the numbers, leaving the Champions with the 2nd best scoring LB unit for the week, behind only the Tamworth Two’s monster corps. A solid outing for the secondary, featuring a timely interception by Charles Woodson, sealed the deal and the Champions took the win with the highest score of the week. Despite that, the Dayman will have to manage his roster well to maintain the pace as the team lacks depth. The Bombermen can take solace in a good performance and the fact they were just unlucky to come up against a unit that just happened to hit it right on the day.

Dynablaster Bombermen 196 – 227 Champions of the Sun

Mahoney Memorial Stadium: Hard @ DynaRules

Kick-off was delayed at Mahoney Memorial stadium due to a highway chase en route in which maverick DynaRules GM Jan Kelkowski personally apprehended a pair of marijuana dealers at the cost of only several million dollars in infrastructure damage. Both teams arrived late as a result but the delay did not cause a dampening of the atmosphere, or the quality of football as both the DynaRules and Chris Braithwaite’s DynaHard put on a display of athletic ability.

Both offences ended up in the top 4 scoring units for the week (along with the Bombermen and the Champions of the Sun) with DynaRules, in particular, putting up almost unfeasible numbers. The receiving unit of Randall Cobb, Cor! Darelle Patterson, Jeremy Maclin, Calvin Johnson and Julius Thomas put up an incredible 600 all-purpose yards and 8 TDs and the number could have been even higher but for a shoulder injury to Jordan Cameron. With those kind of points on the board even underwhelming days from Arian Foster and Zac Stacy couldn’t stifle the exuberant Kelkowski who courted controversy by kicking a downed DynaHard cornerback left in Calvin Johnson’s dust on one particularly huge play.

Up against such terrifying numbers DynaHard rallied and began the fight back with Ryan Matthews (12), Antonio Brown (19.9) and Julian Edelman (12.35) adding plenty of yards on their own. Brown later added to the feisty atmosphere of the game by kung-fu kicking the DynaRules punter on a long return for which he may yet face a fine and a suspension, plus the unending ire of Kelkowski. Unfortunately for Braithwaite, the rest of his offence couldn’t put up his opponents’ numbers and, despite Matthew Stafford having one of his best ever career games, DynaRules outscored them by over 40 points on offence.

DynaHard were down but not out, however, and with superstar DE JJ Watt piling up 3 tackles (including 2 for a loss), a sack, a fumble recovery and pass defended and even a blocked extra point all was not lost. At the other end of the line, Greg Hardy put up similar numbers though Braithwaite will no doubt continue to face calls from the media and fans to drop Hardy as he waits for re-trial in his domestic abuse case. San Francisco safety Eric Reid and Oakland tackled Antonio Smith put up good numbers too ensuring that Kelkowski’s team couldn’t afford to slack if they wanted the win, even with that huge day on offence.

With DynaRules having targeted offence at the draft there was certainly reason for cautious optimism among the traveling fans and this was only heightened as stars Nick Fairley, Jason Pierre-Paul and Charles Tillman combined for only 3.75 points. It was a big day for Kelkowski’s players in new teams though as Karlos Dansby (new to the Browns) and DeMarcus Ware (new to the Broncos) combined for 1.5 sacks, 9 tackles and an interception to boost the numbers. With Navorro Bowman’s absence giving an opportunity hike to Patrick Willis’ IDP value too the DynaRules had enough steam to get over the line comfortably.

Going forward, like the Bomberman, DynaHard need not be discourage by defeat as they had strong numbers on both sides of the ball that should translate to wins in other weeks, particularly with a strong bench. The DynaRules, however, look like early front runners for the Owl with the highest potential points on the week and an absolutely devastating receiving corps. Kelkowski will need his undervalued defence to keep putting numbers up but if that happens they should be a very real threat.

Dyna Hard 196 – 214 Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Chatterbowl Champ Rates DynaBowl Runners & Riders

Power Rankings No Comments

Last year’s Supreme Chatterbowl Champion, and cruel snub in the Coach of the Year voting, Pete Conaghan steps forward to rate the 2014 rosters of the Dynabowl hopefuls after the inaugural auction… Without further ado, and in reverse order, we present the pre-season power rankings…

East Flanders Flahutes

Can a team have too many Tight Ends? Not if you are Norv Turner or the Flahutes, who have five current starters in that roster spot. While the Flahutes are strong (but not deep) at QB and RB, with Drew Brees expecting to play until he is 45, and have a solid but unspectacular receiving corps, it will be defense that lets them down, with a mixture of the aged and infirm putting them bottom of the big-play index. It is disturbing that after two weeks of intensive roster building, the Flahutes still only have 44 players.

One to watch: Kyle Rudolph, fresh off a new deal, could star in Minnesota’s new Air-Norvan offense.

Ranking: 10th

DynaForOne Firebirds

Like the car that shares their name, the Firebirds are all muscle up front, but does that mask a worrying fragility? Beast Mode provides the bulk , while Chris Johnson provides the indecision. The WRs are a fragile bunch, while Rivers and Russell Wilson are indestructible at QB. The Tight Ends include Finley, Gates and Gronkowski, but also Garrett Graham who can step in if all the others are injured at once. The Firebirds may not have enough firepower at RB.

Defense leans heavily on grizzled veterans Julius Peppers and Justin Tuck – can they reach the sack heights of previous years? Suh and Atkins provide the interior muscle, while the linebackers will rely strongly on tackle numbers. The team as a whole has a lot of questions to answer.

One to watch: Chris Johnson joins the circus. Look out, it will be entertaining.

Ranking: 9th

The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness

If I had to describe the Dynasty of Sadness in one word it would be: middle of the road. An unspectacular collection of established players on offense is backed up by a solid defensive unit. A group of dirt-dogs rather than stars, the Dynasty has put its faith in the gradual accumulation of points rather than Hollywood play, and has married this to the expectation of breakout performances by the likes of Montee Ball and Ladarius Green.  Cam ‘Hello Kitty’ Newton stands out on offense, ably backed up by the small-handed Minnesota QB, while Eric Berry and Lavonte David are the stars of the defense. A dark horse.

One to watch: Adam Vinateri provides some much-needed youth on offense. Will he be a star?

Ranking: 8th

Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Kelkowski also have the dubious honour of five starting Tight Ends, and have two of the marquee players in Thomas and Jordan. This is counteracted by having two QBs who have faced questions as to their  heart, commitment, and accuracy under pressure. While the Firebirds have Rivers and Wilson, Kelkowski have Romo and Kaepernick. While there is only one winner there, their meeting in week 4 should be interesting.

Kelkowski will be hoping for a big year from Arian Foster, but he is ably backed up by DeMarco Murray and Zac Stacy. The WR group looks fragile, though Megatron makes up for many ills.

An aging defensive line looks misleadingly lightweight in terms of points, due to several major injuries last year. While Fairley was a beast, Knighton underperformed last year compared to his on-field value, and the team will be hoping Demarcus Ware has a new lease of life across from Von Miller. If Dansby can maintain his form with Cleveland, and Cushing comes back strong, then this group is well backed up by a strong secondary.

One to watch: Cordarelle Patterson will thrive, if they can get him the ball.

Ranking: 7th

Tamworth Two

If Tamworth like running backs so much, why don’t they just marry them? A wide mix of player types mean the Hogs can pick and choose their strategy on any given week. More of a concern though, is whether Carson Palmer can stay upright with the level of pass rush he will face this season. Tamworth need another QB to provide depth at that position.  Much is expected of an underperforming  WR group, though the twin towers of Jeffrey and Jackson will alleviate concern there.

Defense is a strength for Tamworth, with a mixture of sacks and tackles being the order of the day.

One to watch: Eric Ebron should dislodge Ole Stone Hands Brandon Pettigrew in short order in Detroit.

Ranking: 6th

Dynablaster Bombermen

Literally anchored by Mark Ingram at RB, the Bombermen will hope for great things from the SF duo of Frank Gore and Carlos Hyde, now that Kendall Hunter is out for the season.  Giovanni and Ellington provide the spark for what is a great group of RBs. QBs and WRs are likewise young and exciting, with Johnny Football providing the glamour and a sprinkle of pixie dust.

Cooks, Floyd, Green and Williams lend the WR corps their explosiveness, which will be needed with the defense big on star power, but pretty pedestrian points-wise. The Williamses – the Buffalo Williamses – are the best bet for boosting the big-play index here.

The team is a pleasing blend of youngsters and vets, and should compete for the foreseeable future.

One to watch: Will Cooks make an impact for the Saints straight away?

Ranking: 5th

Champions of the Sun

The Champions have an interesting selection dilemma each week, neatly represented by their split personality QB corps. Should they go for gunslinger Jay Cutler, or mild-mannered accountant Alex Smith? Should they go for plodding Bell and Jones-Drew, or dual threat Spiller and Tate? Will they go with the big-play potential of Maclin and Jackson, or the red-zone chops of ‘fading’ stars Nicks and White? A nicely balanced group makes selection on offense difficult.

Defense is bolstered by the spectacular Robert Quinn, who is targeting 20 sacks this year, and is well backed up by a group of excellent, if mostly injured linebackers. Tackle numbers should be high with this group.

One to watch: Can Khalil Mack be a pass rush threat, or will he have his hands full against a rush-heavy schedule?

Ranking: 4th

Dyna Hard

Dyna Hard are well stocked at running back, with marquee names Charles and Morris leading the charge, but a dependency on Matthew Stafford could be worrying if he was to get hurt. At least he should have three quality receivers to throw to this year, allaying concerns about his decision making. The jury is still out on backup Sam Bradford, who may only see time on the bye week and in case of emergency.

Antonio Brown is the star among a motley WR crew. Tavon Austin and Julian Edelman need to produce, but Dynahard may be hoping for an immediate impact from Buffalo’s Sammy Watkins.

Greg Hardy’s upcoming hearing with the NFL will be of concern on D, but JJ Watt and Osi U should be able to fill in adequately. Miller, Clowney, Worrilds and Ogletree should be a source of sacks galore, making this front seven a potential difference-maker on any given week.

One to watch: Can you say YAC? Manuel to Watkins is one to watch.

Ranking: 3rd

Dynasore Losers

Drafting established stars seems to have been the MO for the Losers, with solid depth all through the team. Win Now is the mantra on Offense: there are a lot of miles on the RB and QB clocks, and that group may need to be totally rebuilt in the coming years. A lot will be expected of Emmanuel Sanders in Denver, and the difficulty again may be selecting the right starters among the WRs.

The opposite seems true of the defense, which has a nice mix of rookies and second- and third-year studs on the defensive line. Tamba Hali and Ryan Kerrigan provide the pass rush to complement Wilkerson and Dunlap.

One to watch: Will Derek Carr be the future of this team? Tune into Oakland games round about week 6 to find out.

Ranking: 2nd

Here Come the Brees

Balance. That’s the watchword of Here Come the Brees, who have assembled a team that pleases on most fronts. Youth and experience at QB is backed up by a (potentially) high quality stable of running backs. Likewise the WRs are a mixture of possession guys and big-time burners, with a lot of potential for big plays.

Defense consists of a collection of sack machines, who will ensure competitiveness on the defensive side of the ball. The toughest decision on both offense and defense could be who to play on any given week.

One to watch: Will Ray Rice be a distraction to the team? Can he rediscover his form of two years ago?

Ranking: 1st

The Dyna Hard Man of The DynaBowl

Interviews No Comments

I have to confess, before we start, that I may not have approached this interview in the right frame of mind. Just an hour before, I had ended a particularly bizarre and disturbing interview with Ben Archer and between his departure and my next subject’s arrival I had been dealing with some vague symptoms of PTSD by drinking about a quarter of a bottle of Scotch.

No need to worry though, because when Chris Braithwaite arrives it’s clear that he has prepared in a similar way. Not by interviewing a borderline psychotic who makes you fear for the life of an elite athlete, but by drinking a substantial quantity of alcohol. Still, he appears to have timed his arrival well, having seemingly just hit the sweet-spot of having drunk himself sober.

His current state possibly explains the unusual arrangements that have been agreed for his DynaBowl franchise, Dyna Hard. While the team will retain the franchise name, each year Braithwaite intends to take the team to a different locale, with variations on the name to suit the new surroundings. Is he worried that this may turn the team into a bit of a travelling circus?

“Travelling? Yes. Circus? Probably. But fans of the Chatterbowl know that I favour a high scoring approach, and that’s the sort of thing that fans love. We just want to bring our brand of fantasy football to as many fans as possible, and damn the global warming consequences.”

Roll Up! Roll Up! For the Greatest Show On Earth! It's The DynaBowl!
Roll Up! Roll Up! For the Greatest Show On Earth! It’s The DynaBowl!

Ah, the Chatterbowl. The proving grounds for many a DynaBowl GM, and Braithwaite has certainly done that. While he may not have won the big one yet, he has been top scorer in the regular season in both years the competition has been running, and as far as he’s concerned he’s only been getting better.

“I think my performance last year was more impressive than in my rookie year of the Chatterbowl. In my rookie year I got Calvin Johnson in his record-breaking year in the first round, and snagged Adrian Peterson’s exploded knee in the second. Then I just rode their two god-seasons to the playoffs.”

And in 2013? “Last year I had a much more balanced team, despite being handed something of a dud out of the draft thanks to missing it due to a hangover.”

It’s hard to believe that he’s not used to the hangovers by now and couldn’t have powered through, but who dares stop an alcoholic in full flow? He continues:

“My problem has always been that I never have a good reliable QB, and have to roll into the playoffs with a guy like Carson Palmer. Actually, I have had good reliable QBs, I’ve just traded them for awful, unreliable QBs. So that’s a bit of a priority this year. This year I’m just getting Sam Bradford and being done with it.”

It’s not always clear when it’s the booze talking and when there’s some actual sense springing forth. In this case it’s pretty clear which is which.

Still, an interview subject well lubricated and ready talk is a journalists dream and, outside of all the bullshit, you never know when some hidden gem may come out. More than any other GM I have had the privilege (or otherwise) of talking to so far, Braithwaite is happy to illuminate on his true thoughts which leaves me with a mild moral quandary, one which is easily resolved when I remember that I don’t have any morals but I do have the PIN to his answer phone.

So how does he feel The DynaBowl will differ from the Chatterbowl experience?

“I think the key to Dynabowl will be even-keel management and long range planning,” he says, quoting directly from Dynasty Football 101 and, rather unfortunately, almost losing his balance on his chair as he says the words ‘even-keel’.

“I have a feeling that we’ll have a few teams who are well managed and perennial contenders, a few that are regular bottom feeders, and some that’ll be like the like the Texans and go from good to terrible and back to good in blinks of an eye. I feel I’m likely to be in that final category, just because of my tendency to be awful at long term planning and my love of making occasionally inspired trades. And regularly awful trades.”

So who will those teams be, the regular contenders and the bottom feeders? Braithwaite’s not afraid to name names.

“While Goody [James Goodson – Sundance] showed incredible beginner’s luck last year, I think the presence of Mat [Ward] will cancel that out for him this year. D-Slatz [David Slater, Dynasore Losers] is always a contender because he knows his onions. He also tends to have unpopular opinions about players which often turn out to be right, which is a good quality to have in Dynabowl. I suspect Hendy and Manboob [Commissioner & Deputy Commissioner respectively] have been secretly gaming the scoring system so that they can take advantage of some hidden point scoring opportunities though, which makes them hard to look past. Really, everyone has a chance. Apart from Ben [Archer, teamed with Dan Sayles] and Mark [Simpson, teamed with Neil Hawke], obviously.”

I can only put the lack of mention for maverick wildcards Kelkowski down to the struggle to recall their name, which is hard enough to remember sober.

Still, accusation of collusion over point scoring brings us onto the subject of the rules. The Commissioner has produced an in-depth rule book which runs to several volumes and which has raised the ire of some GMs. Braithwaite sits up straight and his eyes widen at the mention of rules. A glob of saliva drips from the corner of his mouth as he ventures forth his opinion.

“I’m a big fan of rules. It’s best to have as many potential issues covered off before we start, because everyone can look at them from a neutral perspective. Once rule changes might affect one person more than another, the league runs the risk of owners flouncing out, and while that is a proud part of the Chatterbowl history, it’ll be awkward in Dynabowl. I’m not sure how we can marry up stability with our one-flounce-per-season minimum though.”

Ah, the flounce. Something Braithwaite has yet to partake in himself. His style is more passive-aggressive, disappearing for days, if not weeks, at a time before re-emerging as if nothing has happened. I put it to him that this, in its own way, is a flounce. “Look, fuck off,” is all I get by way of a response, and for a moment I think he might flounce the rest of the interview. No such luck though as he continues to talk at me. Apropos of nothing he raises the question of Michael Sam, the first openly gay player to enter the NFL.

“I don’t think Dyna Hard, despite the homoerotic suggestion of the team name, would be the right environment for him. I don’t want to ruin the surprise of our travel plans, but from year 5 and beyond, when you’d expect him to be in his prime, we’re likely to be in some fairly inhospitable environments for people of his lifestyle.”

Is ‘lifestyle’ the right word to use? It makes it sound like Sam has chosen his path. Braithwaite waves away my interjection to contiunue.

“That being said though, if he shows the talent to make him worth a DynaBowl roster spot, I won’t hesitate to force him to play in a place that’ll make him feel somewhere between “deeply culturally uncomfortable” and “at constant risk of arrest or stoning”. Because at that point I’ll respect his potential talent so much, obviously.”

He tries to bring things back to a more PC level. “You can’t refuse to employ a player just because the city he’s playing in might be awful for him to live in. Otherwise how would the Buffalo Bills exist?”

But what about the locker room, I ask. Is there anyone you couldn’t sign if you brought Sam onto the team? I’m not convinced he understood what I was asking though as he seemed to imply he would want to roster definitely-maybe-a-murderer Aaron Hernandez.

“Well probably Aaron Hernandez, just because if we knew one of our players was going to be murdered by a team mate, it’d be good to have predicted the culprit in advance.”

Apparently this is a good point for Braithwaite to wave his hand and order more service, despite this bar not featuring wait staff. Still, his demands for booze are met and a lavish tip is left.

Back to The DynaBowl, how prepared is he for the demands of a salary cap league? His answer is unsurprising.

“Is ‘hope for the best’ a strategy?” he asks back. I barely offer a shrug before he goes on, “If not, is ‘hope for the best while getting drunk’?” He raises his glass and cheerses my empty hand before knocking back another slug of whiskey.

“I have no clue how the cap will factor into strategy. I tend to be quite confident in my valuations of players, and did really well in the auction league last year because of that, so I have a feeling I will either be setting the market early in the draft as everyone has players undervalued to my eyes, or I’ll be sitting there with no players waiting for everyone else to run out of money. My main actual strategy will be to do tonnes of research, and then stick rigidly to my board. If I end up with 5 players and left with 45 $1 players, at least I can then blame Excel, rather than myself. Right?”

It feels like a plea for absolution in the event of him messing everything up, but it will only be the Dyna Hard fans who can grant him that, not me.

Finally I feel I need to raise the drinking issue. The league has it in its powers to enact some harsh penalties. Is he concerned that he might fall foul of the alcohol-related substance abuse policy? His reaction is not encouraging.

He stands and says, “There’s a league policy on alcohol abuse? Is it that alcohol abuse is mandatory?” before finishing off his drink, high-fiving himself, turning, tripping over his chair, falling flat on his face and then urinating where he lies.

It’s going to be an eventful season.

Chris Briathwaite yesterday: An artist's impression
Chris Briathwaite yesterday: An artist’s impression

Proudly powered by WordPress & Skyrocket Themes

MENU

Navigation