Tag: Drew Brees

MAX’S STAT BLATS! – Week Two

The spreadsheet has been fed this week and my dot matrix printer has finally finished churning out the data for me to pore through.  This week I’ll take a look at the first two weeks performance from 2015 and compare it to the first two weeks from 2014 to see if we can build a picture of where each team’s fortunes will go from here.

Reality Bites

Below are comparisons of performance through week 2 of the 2015 and 2015 seasons, ordered by finishing order in the 2014 season.

2014 Week 2 2014 Standing 2015 Week 2 POA Diff
Dynaforone Firebirds 1-1 (137 poa) 7-6 1-1 (181 poa) +44
Here Comes the Brees 1-1 (146 poa) 8-5 0-2 (152 poa) +6
Dynasore Losers 2-0 (175 poa) 8-5 2-0 (172 poa) -3
Kelkowski 2-0 (212 poa) 8-5 0-2 (153 poa) -59
Dynablinker Obamamen 0-2 (168 poa) 7-6 0-2 (156 poa) -12
Champions of the Sun 1-1 (181 poa) 6-7 2-0 (192 poa) +11
Tamworth Two 2-0 (185 poa) 6-7 1-1 (167 poa) -18
East Flanders Dungeoneers 1-1 (161 poa) 5-8 2-0 (158 poa) -3
Dynasty of Sadness 0-2 (129 poa) 5-8 0-2 (154 poa) +25
DynaHarder 0-2 (168 poa) 5-8 2-0 (223 poa) +55

So let’s get the good news out of the way.  DynaHarder have gone from an 0-2 start last season to a 2-0 start this season, having the highest average points in the process.  The attendant 55 point jump in average score shows that the team has improved hugely over last season’s average start and there is still the return of Martivis Bryant and abhorrent human being Greg Hardy to come.

The other two significant improvements over last season can be seen at the Dynasty of Sadness and, worryingly, 2014 Superb Owl winners the Firebirds. The Sadness were a flimsy excuse for a fantasy football team last year and anything less than a big jump from 2014’s 129 average points would have been a disaster. Whilst the team are still at the bottom end of the points scorers they are not cut adrift like last season and can expect to be competitive. How the Firebirds improved from 2014’s disastrous start to claim the Owl may warrant an article on its own but the team has started strongly this year, being unfortunate to lose with the 3rd highest score in week 1.

On the other side of the ball it would be remiss not to start with Kelkowski’s 59 point plummet from the first two games of last season. Last week I highlighted some of the reasons Jay and Ian might not be surprised by this but the extent of the drop off is alarming. Despite the poor start of the Breeses this year it’s worth noting that they’ve actually started better in terms of their weekly output this year, suggesting all may not be as bleak as first appeared. Could another unlikely playoff run emerge? Another team I believed to have regressed have proved me wrong through two weeks as the Dynasore Losers are still scoring at the same level as the opening of last season. Whether they can power up to the heights of 2014 as they go along remains to be seen.

What Might Have Been

Looking at what the teams actually scored in the first two weeks is all very well and good but to get a full picture of improvement and regression we should also look at their potential points. What do their best line-ups look like compared to last season? This will also highlight where GMs are more directly responsible for good or poor performance with their team selection.

  2014 Week 2 2015 Week 2 PPOA Diff
Dynaforone Firebirds 188 ppoa 228 (79% eff) +40
Here Comes the Brees 210 ppoa 228 (67% eff) +18
Dynasore Losers 212 ppoa 244 (70% eff) +32
Kelkowski 265 ppoa 206 (74% eff) -59
Dynablaster Bombermen 233 ppoa 232 (67% eff) -1
Champions of the Sun 204 ppoa 258 (74% eff) +54
Tamworth Two 261 ppoa 216 (77% eff) -45
East Flanders Dungeoneers 212 ppoa 208 (76% eff) -4
Dynasty of Sadness 206 ppoa 211 (73% eff) +5
DynaHarder 250 ppoa 282 (79% eff) +32

The numbers here back up the findings for the Firebirds and DynaHarder, showing an overall squad improvement to match their gameday improvement. The other big improvers are the Losers and the Champions, both of whom seem to have added a lot of depth between the start of last season and now, whether it was during the season last year, in the off-season or in the draft. The Breeses too can be happy that, whilst they’re squad still has holes, the actions Dan and Ben have taken have strengthened and added depth.

For the other 5 teams the story is either one of maintaining the status quo or of regression. Despite some strong additions, the Sadness seem to only have a squad as good as the start of last season, suggesting inefficient squad selection contributed to the team’s woes at the start of last year. The Bombermen and, surprisingly, the Dungeoneers also seem to have remained on par with the start of last season. The Dungeoneers are a strange one. To the naked eye, the team seems stronger than last season yet the stats don’t back that up so far. It’s early days, and GM Pete is building for the future, but if the team finishes the season not having outperformed last year’s iteration it should go down as a disappointment.

Kelkowski’s woes have been dwelt on enough but they can at least take solace that a 74% squad efficiency is not horrible and they are doing a good enough job of team selection. The Tamworth Two’s drop in potential points isn’t far short of Kelkowski’s however and that should be a cause of concern. The struggles of Alshon Jeffrey and Jonathan Stewart have certainly contributed to this but the defence has taken the biggest hit with Olivier Vernon and the linebacking unit firing blanks so far. It’s early days yet, of course, and defensive scoring is notoriously streaky but this is a situation worth keeping an eye on. The good news is that the Hogs’ 77% efficiency rating is second best in the league so they, at least, making the most of what they have.

In the efficiency stakes both Bens and both Dans will hope to improve their team selection in the coming weeks as the hot hands become clear and depth chart fog starts to dissipate. Both teams are at sub-70% efficiency which is a major barrier to success. David is, of course, PLOBbing the shit out of himself but what else would you expect? The Losers are still 2-0 so maybe his carefree team selection is motivating the troops.

Join me next time on Stat Blats where I’ll be doing something else with stats, probably, unless I’m not.

2015 Commish Preview: The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness

Team: The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness – Mike Laycock/Mark Simpson

2014 Record: 5-8, 2nd pick based on head to head.

Significant Additions:

Draft – Ameer Abdullah (RB), Jaelen Strong (WR)k, Arik Armstead (DE)

Free Agency – Josh Hill (TE), Bruce Irvin (LB)

Trade – Eddie Lacy (RB), Sheldon Richardson (DE), Markus Wheaton (WR), Drew Brees (QB)

Significant Losses:

Trade – Cam Newton (QB)

Preview:

2014 was not a fun year for the Dynasty of Sadness (DoS) and anything positive I can say about their performance is really a negative. They outperformed their AWE of 4.12 wins, making it all the way up to … 5 wins. They had only a 35% chance of making it up to 5 wins, to get to 6 would have been less than a 6% chance.

While the DoS did make it up to 9th in total points scored, they were more than 200 points behind the 8th place in that particular stat but worse than that, they were 10th in potential points, 150 points behind the Dungeoneers. Any way you look at it they put together an awful season.

And then to rub salt into the wound, despite that terrible performance, they still managed to win their game against the Dyna Hard and so lose out on the number 1 pick in the draft.

However, when you employ git-wizard David Blaine to magically turn that number 2 pick in the draft into Eddie Lacy, things start to look better. Running back was a real weak point for the DoS in 2014, with only 2 players reaching 100 points, and one of those was Shane Vereen, maxing out at 113.8. Add Ameer Abdullah into the mix, the rookie who has looked most effective in pre-season, and this could turn into a very good backfield.

Wide receiver was probably the only bright spot in 2014 with Dez Bryant, Odell Beckham Jnr and Golden Tate all putting up good scores. All 3 remain in 2015, but after that the depth drops off. Can Eric Decker, Brandon LaFell, Paul Richardson, Markus Wheaton or Jaelan Strong step up in the event of an injury?

Josh Hill is a good addition at TE, another underperforming unit in 2014, but, truth be told, no one knows what he’s capable of, not even Mama Hill.

The swap of Brees for Newton is putting the future eggs in the basket of Teddy Bridgeater. The news of the injury to Kelvin Benjamin suggests that Cam will find it hard to score as highly as might have been expected, but Brees has a completely redesigned offence around him too, with suggestions they will lean more heavily on the run. This may be much of a muchness and not affect the 2015 season much, with bigger questions surrounding whether Bridgeater can be as good a fantasy QB as he looks like he will be in the NFL.

The defence is an up and down affair. Undeniable strength at cornerback and above average linebackers are balanced by weakness at DT and DE. The length of suspension for Sheldon Richardson is still to be determined and the Jets haven’t confirmed they want to keep him. Based on 2014, defence is unpredictable so there’s always the chance that the players on the roster outperform current expectations, but league average defence is probably the top end of expectations.

Verdict:

Arguably the most improved team in the league but still some work to do to finish moulding them into a consistent winner. A glimmer of playoff possibility but perhaps a season too soon.

Prediction:

7-6. Sneaking into the playoffs isn’t beyond the realm of possiblity. They surely won’t be picking in the top 3 again and a 6-7 or 7-6 record seems entirely reasonable. Peter is arguably the weaker of the two divisions and with Lacy, OBJ and Dez Bryant there are enough stars here to take a run at the Divisional title.

Around The Grounds: Week 1

by Jaunty Coving

Welcome to a new season of fantasy football and the first ever edition of Around the Grounds, the weekly recap column highlighting the movers and shakers in the world’s premier fantasy football league, the Dynabowl. Each week this reporter will be taking you through the different matchups of the week looking for big plays, important calls and missed opportunities.

The Drew Brees Memorial Stadium: Flahutes @ Brees

We start off at the Drew Brees Memorial Stadium with its iconic onyx and jade statue on the external concourse, depicting the legend himself in seductive repose. There are times in the pre-season where Brees boss Dan Saycher seemed a little overwhelmed by his new position. That, combined with the sour taste felt by fans at seeing Drew Brees in the colours of the Flahutes, led to an apprehensive air around the stadium pre kick-off. This was nothing compared to the storm of controversy when Flahutes manager Phil Malcolm didn’t even turn up to the match though. His team and backroom staff appeared in panicked disarray when they realised their GM wasn’t in attendance and this reporter merely shook his head in weary resignation to see the glorious game brought low.

In the early game, the Breeses stuttered on offence with Bernard Pierce and Brian Hartline, in particular, looking out of their depth at this level. Respectable showings from Zach Ertz (a star in the making) and Miami Dolphins forgotten man Lamar Miller masked some of the pain. Unfortunately it was a weak late effort from the Breeses too as Doug Martin and Keenan Allen fluffed their lines and Victor Cruz could only watch in bafflement as Eli Manning gave the ball away to the Lions’ defence rather than pass it to him. The lone bright spot on offence, a position this player is used to, was Andrew Luck whose trademark black magic nearly brought the Colts back into a game where they should have been dead and buried.

Things weren’t much better for the Breeses on the defensive side of the ball either where the DEs and LBs looked disinterested, failing to make plays. Rookie DT Aaron Donald had a promising debut with a pair of tackles for loss and Harrison Smith, the week’s top scorer, tried to make up for the unit’s deficiencies with a monumental 80 yard pick 6. From the bench Michael Bennett, Kendall Wright and Christian Kirksey could only watch as their teammates floundered.

The Breeses were there for the taking but with the confusion on the bench, it remained to be seen if the Flahutes could take advantage. In the absence of the GM, team affairs and play calling was handled by Goodwill Childress, Phil Malcolm’s 15-year-old Namibian adopted son. Probably the biggest decision to be made was the call on TE with the Flahutes being particularly stacked at that position. Childress opted for Charles Clay and Jason Witten and the decision looked like that of an adolescent as the two combined for a paltry 4.1 points as the 14.9 points of Kyle Rudolph and Dennis Pitta fumed on the side-line. Seemingly unhappy at playing against his home club, Drew Brees put in a lacklustre showing too and this matchup really started to look like it would come down to who could be the least incompetent. The Flahutes’ defence wasn’t having any of it though and, led by San’Derrick Marks, Chicago’s Willie Young and Flacco-nut-crusher Vontaze Burfict they racked up good points in a ferocious 3-4 formation. In the secondary Jairus Byrd forced a fumble to score some big points too and, fortunately for Childress, the Flahutes claimed the win despite leaving big points on the bench in the form of Raiders’ LB Sio Moore (31.0) and Seahawks’ CB Byron Maxwell (18.35). What the future holds for the GM-less Flahutes is less certain but, for now, they are 1-0 and able to reflect on a win, if a shaky one.

East Flanders Flahutes 165 – 147 Here Comes the Brees

Through the Looking Glass: Two @ Sadness

Thunderheads glowered over the dilapidated shell of the Looking Glass as the 4th Dynmension of Sadness fans prepared for another season of disappointment under long-suffering GM Geoffrey Manboob. The history of this franchise is a storied one of failure and heartbreak with any meagre success being only a precursor to a greater downfall. The Tamworth Two, meanwhile, came off a fine pre-season raring to go and their boisterous fans (or Hogs as they call themselves) filled the stadium with their oinking.

The tone of the game was set early on when Sadness quarterback Cam Newton briefly appeared from the locker room door, sniffed the air, shook his head and went back in, curling into a foetal position and refusing to play. Young whippersnapper Jake Locker scampered around the GM’s feet asking to play but the man they call MANGBOOB decided instead to run a strange wildcat formation for the game. Freed of the need to even consider pass-blocking, the Sadness O-line made a decent fist of run-blocking, allowing Montee Ball, Joique Bell and Shane Vereen to amass a good total, combining for 3 TDs and 154 rushing yards. For one of the cheaper RB attacks in the league it bodes well for the season ahead.

Unsurprisingly, however, the pass attack fared less well with none of the Sadness receivers cracking double figure points off trick plays and passes from punter Brandon Fields. On the other side of the ball, the Sadness LBs put up a good show with 37 total tackles but the expensively assembled secondary largely moped around uselessly and DE Calais Campbell walked off the field after one snap, muttering something about leaving the iron on at home. He did not return. The Sadness can look forward to having Linval Joseph back next week at least after he fully recovered from his accidental nightclub shooting in the off-season.

Without wishing to be unkind, Mames Goodsard could have sent out his practice squad and come away with a win against the shambolic Dynmension of Sadness this week. It is a testament to the man’s professionalism that his team played and played hard. Offence was a mixed bag with Adam Rodgers struggling against the Seahawks D, Alshon Jeffery struggling with injury and Michael Crabtree struggling under the weight of his combined ego and sense of entitlement. Vernon Davis had a big game though with 2 TDs and Mike Wallace showed that maybe last season was a blip, coming up with 12.1 points despite his dinghy being moored at Revis Island for the whole game.

A modest Tamworth Two attack was completely shown up by a dominant defensive display. Potential DPOY candidate Gerald McCoy led the charge with 8 tackles and a sack but outgoing DPOY Luke Kuechly wasn’t willing to be outshone, coming away with a sack of his own, a forced fumble and 9 tackles. Overall the Two’s LB corps was the strongest on the day. A strong secondary showing and good scores across the board left the result in no doubt as the Tamworth defence easily put the misfiring Sadness offence to bed. The Tamworth Two look strong for the season to come with a good first team showing backed by the best scoring bench in the league this week. For the Dynmension of Sadness, the season could be a long one unless MANGBOOB can persuade his star players to start playing up to their salaries.

Tamworth Two 187 – 127 4th Dynmension of Sadness

Jurassic Park: Firebirds @ Losers

It was a glorious, sunny day on Isla Nublar as Neil Hawke brought his Firebirds to Jurassic Park to face-up against pantomime villain David Slater’s DynaSore Losers. Hawke’s team had already put up 44 points from Seattle’s whipping of Green Bay on Thursday, setting the Losers onto the back foot immediately. Slater was said to be in confident mood though, trusting in, among others, his elite running-back group to get him through.

Matt Forte duly obliged with 169 yards from scrimmage, although he did miss the end zone. Adrian Peterson and Reggie Bush struggled somewhat, the former putting up decent yards but no scores and the latter suffering from shared time with Joique Bell. With 19.4 point-scoring Knowshon Moreno on the bench Slater may wonder if he made the right call, though it would have been a brave move to put Moreno in for the first week given his uncertain situation in Miami. The fans will surely be clamouring for him next week now though.

The rest of the Losers’ offence put up fairly solid numbers but only Peter Manning really lived up to expectations with a 22.46 point performance. The Losers will surely look for more luck in the end zone from the likes of Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Graham in future weeks.

The Firebirds’ offence, meanwhile, were in buoyant mood, spurred by a huge haul from Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson. The rest of the offence duly obliged with Chris Johnson scoring 15.1 points on his Jets debut and Rob Gronkowski finding the end zone. Hawke may wonder what could have been for Julio Jones though as the receiver racked up 116 yards but fumbled at the goal-line once and was stopped on it a second time.

On offence, the two teams were almost perfectly poised, each scoring 98 points and change. Like other key matchups this week, this game would come down to the defences. The serious question marks hung over the Losers as David Slater had seemed to take a somewhat dismissive approach to defence on draft day and, looking across the field to the likes of Geno Atkins and Ndamukong Suh on the Firebirds’ line he may have harboured some doubts about this approach.

He needn’t have worried. Neil Hawke could be seen bouncing up and down the Firebirds’ touchline in frustration as his defence failed to create anything of significant value. Suh and Atkins both misfired and Derick Johnson succumbed to an ACL tear likely to keep him out for the season. Mason Foster pulled 9 tackles out of the bag but with such a poor performance from his line, Hawke needed his secondary to put up big numbers. Unfortunately they could not oblige. Despite putting up solid numbers, a lack of big plays left the Firebirds in a hole with by far the weakest defensive showing of the week.

With their opponents so ineffective, the Losers strolled him with the win, big plays from William Moore and Logan Ryan propping them up and DeAndre Levy nearly outscoring the Firebirds’ D on his own. Levy finished the day with 2 tackles for a loss, 10 total tackles, 1 pass defended and an expertly controlled interception for 21.05 points.

For the Firebirds, better days will be ahead. The talent on defence did not produce in the moment but should be fine over the season and with a slick looking Seattle offence leading the line they can rely on some big numbers. The Losers’ policy of older, big names on offence did not pay off handsomely in Jurassic Park today but, like the Firebirds’ defence, they will over the season and, even on an off day, they put up good numbers. The key for the Losers will be whether their unheralded defence can continue to put up solid, middle-of-the-pack numbers to season’s end to bolster them.

DynaForOne Firebirds 125 – 162 Dynasore Losers

Paddy’s Pub: Bombermen @ Champions

A mish-mash crowd of hobos and vaudevillian stage magicians gathered around the old recreational field behind Paddy’s Pub to watch as The Dayman’s pet project NFL team played host to the Dynablaster Bombermen and their half-Canadian, half-Commissioner GM Danjamin Hendith. Coming into the season, both teams could have been pegged as ones more for the future with their eyes firmly on youth in the draft so there was little expectation of immediate fireworks in this matchup (Editor’s note: no allegation or reference to ongoing criminal proceedings was intended by the previous statement).

The Champions came out of the gate hard on offence as a flurry of activity in the 2nd quarter saw big scores for Roddy White, CJ Spiller and DeAndre Hopkins. Jay Cutler waxed and waned across the game, at points jumping ahead through a TD pass, at other times leaving the Dayman with his head in his hands by throwing a pick to Bomberman DT Kyle Williams, causing a 12 point swing in one play. Le’veon Bell also scored well for the Champions, sprinting to 197 total yards and a score. The only black spots on the Champions’ day on offence were early injuries to Ben Tate and Jordan Reed, forcing both out of the game before they could make significant impact. The Dayman can, at least take solace in the fact that Tate’s likely replacement is already on the roster between Terrance West and Isaiah Crowell.

At half time in this fixture things were not looking good for the Bombermen who had yet to click on offence with AJ Green, in particular, uncharacteristically quiet. That would all change though as the Bengals WR exploded on a huge catch and run that left him on 19.6 points for the day. The Bombermen’s receiving corps as a whole performed excellently with big days for Kelvin Benjamin (15.2), Michael Floyd (12.1), Terrance Williams (11) and Greg Olsen (14.3). Although Hendith’s RBs were pedestrian by comparison, Matt Ryan led the team to 139 points on offence on the day, good for the 2nd highest scoring total.

With the Bombermen marginally ahead on offence both GMs turned to their defences to provide. Clay Matthews had already weighed in for the Bombermen on Thursday night with a forced fumble giving him a nice total to go alongside Kyle Williams’ pick of Cutler. The rest of the team could only muster a couple of sacks from Ahmad Brooks and Mario Williams though with the secondary, in particular, weak, able to come up with only 7.5 points between them. The field was open for the Champions to capitalise but could they?

The answer, simply, was yes. Cameron Wake led the way with 2 strip-sacks to propel him to 31.5 points, second highest point scorer on the week. Not wanting to be outdone, Jamie Collins’ forced fumble, Justin Houston’s 2 sacks and Wesley Woodyard’s sack and 5 tackles boosted the numbers, leaving the Champions with the 2nd best scoring LB unit for the week, behind only the Tamworth Two’s monster corps. A solid outing for the secondary, featuring a timely interception by Charles Woodson, sealed the deal and the Champions took the win with the highest score of the week. Despite that, the Dayman will have to manage his roster well to maintain the pace as the team lacks depth. The Bombermen can take solace in a good performance and the fact they were just unlucky to come up against a unit that just happened to hit it right on the day.

Dynablaster Bombermen 196 – 227 Champions of the Sun

Mahoney Memorial Stadium: Hard @ DynaRules

Kick-off was delayed at Mahoney Memorial stadium due to a highway chase en route in which maverick DynaRules GM Jan Kelkowski personally apprehended a pair of marijuana dealers at the cost of only several million dollars in infrastructure damage. Both teams arrived late as a result but the delay did not cause a dampening of the atmosphere, or the quality of football as both the DynaRules and Chris Braithwaite’s DynaHard put on a display of athletic ability.

Both offences ended up in the top 4 scoring units for the week (along with the Bombermen and the Champions of the Sun) with DynaRules, in particular, putting up almost unfeasible numbers. The receiving unit of Randall Cobb, Cor! Darelle Patterson, Jeremy Maclin, Calvin Johnson and Julius Thomas put up an incredible 600 all-purpose yards and 8 TDs and the number could have been even higher but for a shoulder injury to Jordan Cameron. With those kind of points on the board even underwhelming days from Arian Foster and Zac Stacy couldn’t stifle the exuberant Kelkowski who courted controversy by kicking a downed DynaHard cornerback left in Calvin Johnson’s dust on one particularly huge play.

Up against such terrifying numbers DynaHard rallied and began the fight back with Ryan Matthews (12), Antonio Brown (19.9) and Julian Edelman (12.35) adding plenty of yards on their own. Brown later added to the feisty atmosphere of the game by kung-fu kicking the DynaRules punter on a long return for which he may yet face a fine and a suspension, plus the unending ire of Kelkowski. Unfortunately for Braithwaite, the rest of his offence couldn’t put up his opponents’ numbers and, despite Matthew Stafford having one of his best ever career games, DynaRules outscored them by over 40 points on offence.

DynaHard were down but not out, however, and with superstar DE JJ Watt piling up 3 tackles (including 2 for a loss), a sack, a fumble recovery and pass defended and even a blocked extra point all was not lost. At the other end of the line, Greg Hardy put up similar numbers though Braithwaite will no doubt continue to face calls from the media and fans to drop Hardy as he waits for re-trial in his domestic abuse case. San Francisco safety Eric Reid and Oakland tackled Antonio Smith put up good numbers too ensuring that Kelkowski’s team couldn’t afford to slack if they wanted the win, even with that huge day on offence.

With DynaRules having targeted offence at the draft there was certainly reason for cautious optimism among the traveling fans and this was only heightened as stars Nick Fairley, Jason Pierre-Paul and Charles Tillman combined for only 3.75 points. It was a big day for Kelkowski’s players in new teams though as Karlos Dansby (new to the Browns) and DeMarcus Ware (new to the Broncos) combined for 1.5 sacks, 9 tackles and an interception to boost the numbers. With Navorro Bowman’s absence giving an opportunity hike to Patrick Willis’ IDP value too the DynaRules had enough steam to get over the line comfortably.

Going forward, like the Bomberman, DynaHard need not be discourage by defeat as they had strong numbers on both sides of the ball that should translate to wins in other weeks, particularly with a strong bench. The DynaRules, however, look like early front runners for the Owl with the highest potential points on the week and an absolutely devastating receiving corps. Kelkowski will need his undervalued defence to keep putting numbers up but if that happens they should be a very real threat.

Dyna Hard 196 – 214 Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

The DynaBowl Auction

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was bonkers. It was insane. It was so crazy it might just work. It was a once in a lifetime experience, in as much as it was brilliant and, I think, that’s about the one time in my life I want to do it. It was, of course, The DynaBowl auction day in Sheffield.

I don’t want to be negative about it – I certainly don’t feel negative about it – but looking back on the day, there were so many things that went wrong, be they with my strategy and planning, or with the way the day itself was run, but they are all part of what is, weirdly (and perhaps shamefully) one of the best days of my life. I both love and hate myself a little bit more for being able to say that.

So, a brief bit of scene setting for those not in the know. We are a UK-based fantasy football (NFL) league. We have played a redraft league for a few years and had decided to step things up to a Dynasty League (Dynasty League basically means you own your players as long as you like and try to build through the draft so you can win year after year). We threw the kitchen sink at this league though. There’s an auction to start things off. There’s full IDP (individual defensive players). There’s a starting line-up of 22 players and rosters totalling 50. There’s a salary cap, and contracts with extension costs, and the ability to structure guaranteed money in different years.

Basically, we figured if we were going to do this, we were going to do everything we could possibly want to do the first time we tried, and it was going to include every feature we could think of. Nearly.

Fantasy Leagues tend to get split into two types – those played with (relative) strangers across the internet and those played amongst a group of friends, and we are definitely part of that latter group. However, we are also part of the former. We are all split out across the country in a variety of locations and rarely get to see each other. Indeed, some of us had never met others before, bizarrely, despite all being good friends. Go figure. We do spend a fair chunk of time chatting with each other via online messaging services, especially during big sporting events. Especially during the NFL season.

Our redraft league is run through the internet and the draft that takes place is internet based. If we were going to set up a Dynasty League though we wanted to do it in style, all meeting up to launch the fucker together. And that is what the Auction Day on July 12th was all about.

The plan – we had a room in a pub booked all day. 10 men would enter, 10 men would leave. Broken shells of men, but 10 of them all leaving. Those 10 men would have bought the fictional rights to 500 players for the next several years. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, two very key things could go wrong. One of us could be stuck in Turkey, and we could all drastically under-estimate the amount of time it would take to buy 500 players. Thank God we weren’t dealing with agents too.

I had foreseen some problems. Availability was always going to be an issue. That’s why I had the day picked out from January. I surveyed the league. I made sure it was good for everyone. And immediately after I picked it out I was told it wouldn’t work for one league member. So we moved it. Then one of our contingent got a job in Belgium, but he would be able to make it back over. Except that then his Belgian employers sent him to Turkey and he wouldn’t be back in Belgium until the morning of the auction. Fine – we’ll Skype him in. Except then there were plane problems and he couldn’t leave Turkey until later… And argh… I started to get that feeling that everything was crumbling around my ears.

So before I get into how the day went, the mistakes, both real and perceived, mine and others and the group as a whole, before all of that, let’s expand a little on the set-up.

Fantasy Football (NFL) is a big thing in America. I mean, in the UK, Fantasy Football (soccer) is quite big – newspapers run their leagues, Sky runs a league. There are some big prizes. But consider this – in America, during games on the scoreboards in the stadium, messages flash up to update the crowd on how many points players around the league have scored. Fantasy Football (NFL) isn’t a bit of fun around the side, it has been woven into the very fabric of the sport.

Imagine if you were reading an article in the paper about a new signing made by Chelsea in the Premier League and the end of the article had a couple of paragraphs about what the signing means for your fantasy league. That happens in America. That’s a real thing. Fantasy Football is central to the sport.

This is reflected in web options. To run your league, you can set up a free league through Yahoo or ESPN or CBS or the NFL itself, but if you’re serious you pay a website to have a fully customisable set-up, so you can change nigh on every single detail. So what do you think we’ve done?

Are we taking our hobby seriously? You bet we are. Too seriously? No such thing. OK, there is, and I am. I’m writing this aren’t I? But I am by no means the worst. Google fantasy football. Google dynasty leagues. You will disappear down a rabbit hole. People pay thousands of dollars each year to enter leagues online against strangers, with winner takes all, or most, of the prize fund. People actively seek out failing and abandoned teams (known as Orphans) for the challenge of turning them into champions.

So why such devotion, and why haven’t things gone this far with fantasy football (soccer)? I think the key is in 3 very specific things. Most North American sports can be broken down into stats very easily, and football (NFL) more than most. The number of yards running, receiving or throwing is a very simple thing to calculate, with bonus points for touchdowns. Compare that to goals and assists – the bulk of fantasy football (soccer) scoring – and you can begin to see there are more options. A typical football (soccer) match sees 3 goals – that’s very few scoring events. In the NFL each team will generate a total of 300-400 yards offence on average, with different players getting credit and earning points for those. Suddenly there’s a lot more ways to score points, and a lot more points to be scored. A canny manager has more control in fantasy football (NFL) than fantasy football (soccer).

The second reason is that in football (soccer) teams have (relatively) large squads but can only let 14 guys on the field per match. That means that your player could get rested for the big European match midweek, and you won’t know until the game kicks off. You don’t have enough information to manage your team. In the NFL, players are active for games, or inactive. The roster has 53 men in total and all could play some part, and you’ll generally know in advance if your guys will or won’t. Therefore, management is, again, more nuanced.

Finally, most fantasy football (NFL) leagues – except the one run by Sky in the UK, which follows the fantasy football (soccer) model – are set up to be individual leagues where teams compete against each other each week, building to playoffs and a superbowl, and – crucially – each player can only be owned by one team in the league. In fantasy football (soccer), everyone can field Van Persie if they want. The level of competitiveness isn’t there in fantasy football (soccer).

So that’s why it’s so great, why it’s so appealing (though having a love of NFL helps, too, of course). Now back to the DynaBowl. I set up the auction. I then had to craft some rules.

The rules. I didn’t know what I was doing. I had some ideas, but would they work. I searched the interwebs. I signed up at websites. I posted on forums. I read archives. And I wrote and I honed. My final rules, I have just found out, clock in at a scary over 7,400 words. Seriously. That’s nearly as long as the dissertation that got me my degree. And they are a fucking work of art.

I thought of everything I could. I thought of all the ways I’d try to gain an advantage and then wrote rules so I couldn’t. I made them as simple to read as possible, but they are still quite complex. We had robust conversations. Well, the people who read them did. Not everyone has yet. Still. They trust that the rules will be there when they need them. No one has found my secret loophole.

The next thing was research. I knew some players. I knew the main players. The redraft league had given me that. I didn’t know most of the defensive players. I didn’t know the depth players. I didn’t know the secret players who might have a break-out season. I didn’t know how consistent or otherwise players tended to be, with regard to point scoring. I didn’t know how much of an impact a trade or free agency signing might have. How would he fit in with the new coach’s offensive line schemes? That kind of thing. So I read lots and lots more. And I read the questions everyone else posed. And I absorbed and I came up with values I thought players would have and I came up with a strategy for who I wanted on my roster.

In the meantime, as Commissioner of the league, I had another duty. An important duty. Every league member was paying me £20 for the first year and £10 each year thereafter to run the league, pay for the site and pay for the prizes. This is not for profit. Anything that didn’t go on the site was going on the prizes, and I needed a trophy. I looked at websites, I visited trophy shops. It turned out they had all closed. I found one run out of an old man’s garage and paid him a visit. He gave me some catalogues. I was *this* close to buying a cup. It was fancy, but it came out of a magazine. It was nice, but it wasn’t special. This league needed special.

A friend of mine makes art and models. Things like dragons and fawns and night elves. They are really, really good. We were chatting about stuff in general and I mentioned the league and the trophy search and I suddenly realised – maybe, if paid enough, she could create the ideal trophy.

Amongst my friends, the NFL championship is referred to as the Owl. Not just any Owl, the Superb Owl. I commissioned my friend to produce a Superb Owl for me. And it is fucking superb. See for yourself:

 

The Owl on display in the DynaBowl League Trophy Room
The Owl on display in the DynaBowl League Trophy Room

See… superb. I teased the league in the build-up to the auction, but I didn’t let them know what I had done. It was to be a surprise.

Anyway, back to the best of times, the worst of times. We were meeting in Sheffield. I don’t live in Sheffield. I live a long way from Sheffield. I allowed an hour longer for my journey than was suggested. It was a beautiful day and everyone else was on the road. I used up all of my hour and arrived at the pub at about 5 minutes past midday. 5 minutes late. Not a good precedent. Fortunately we were waiting for others to arrive too. I didn’t keep too many people waiting.

We got into the pub, relaxed with a drink before getting started, and then went to our ‘function’ room to set up. It was a decent room. A good size for all of us. Unfortunately we all had at least one laptop and/or iPad, and we were using a projector. And, as discussed, it was a lovely day. That room got hot, quick. We were promised a fan. It never arrived. It would have just moved hot air around anyway. It wasn’t a huge loss.

So once we set up I unveiled the Owl to gasps of delight, and flashes of cameras from the local press.

My one chance to proudly hold up the Owl
My one chance to proudly hold up the Owl

And then we got down to business. I wanted a bit of pageantry. We drew marbles in an FA Cup style to determine who called the next player for auction (we stuck with the same order throughout, we didn’t do this every single time). The first person called was Neil. Neil had no idea who he wanted to nominate. It was an inauspicious start.

Once Neil had nominated the bidding got under way and, with the help of a broken chair leg for a gavel, I announced the sale closed. The player, Cam Newton, quarterback for the Caroline Panthers and general all-round stud player. He was bought by Mike for $50. Mike subsequently revealed that he had not planned to spend $50 on a quarterback or to bid on Cam Newton. This is what the pressure of a live auction can do to a man. By the end, I think we had all experienced this to one extreme or another.

This process went on. Most people had no idea who they wanted to nominate each time it came round to them. I was probably the worst for it. I was juggling running the auction, entering all the sales into a database, keeping people up to date with how much they had spent AND trying to buy players for my own team. There was too much happening. It is now 3 weeks later and I still haven’t fully recovered my brain function. I made a lot of mistakes. But before we get to those, let’s stop a moment to watch a lengthy video of the first round of purchases being made.

As you can see, I am well placed to take up a professional auctioneering job, should commissioning fall through.

I am going to go into detail (“What?!? This isn’t detail yet???” – you) around my strategy and how I messed up and what I felt about the way in which things went from a buying players perspective, but first I wanted to talk more generally about what I learned from doing this whole thing.

PRACTICAL LESSONS

1) If you’re thinking about doing something like this – a live auction with a bunch of friends – always err on the side of caution with regards to time. We had estimated that we’d start of at 30-40 players per hour – that’s one player sold every 90-120 seconds – and would get up to somewhere between one player every 30-60 seconds.

We thought big names would go first, with lots of bidding, hence the longer time-frames, and then we’d get down to a lot of $1-3 players – barely any bidding. This wasn’t the case. As I mentioned before, most of the time people didn’t know who they were nominating next. There were lots of players that got a “Who?” reaction around the table which meant, before bidding could commence everyone had to look them up – their name, team, position, past performance – and then make a snap decision to bid or not. It all added up.

For 500 players to be sold off, we’d probably need to have started at 9am and gone for 12+ hours. As it was we went from 1pm until about 7:30pm as the last train from Sheffield for some team managers left at around 8pm.

I never thought we would be done by 8pm, but even if we’d stayed until 11pm, closing time, we wouldn’t have made it to 500 players.

Let's get down to bizniz
Let’s get down to bizniz

2) Have a contingency. If there’s a risk that you might not be able to get through the whole thing in one day, have a plan for what you do next. We had to make one up pretty much on the spot. Those who could stay on talked in the bar about how to sort it and then I had to figure out the finer details.

To explain what we did, we took the positions one by one (or in a couple of cases, grouped them together). People submitted a list in preference order along with their maximum bid and some vague instructions (like “If you get X, don’t bid on Y”). I then collated all of that information and worked out who got which player. Teams went into a ‘first-preference’ order to break ties, dropping the team who won the player to last on the list.

It was a complex process and more gut than scientific to be honest. The complications over person A put player X 5th on his list and bid $10 while person B put them 1st with a bid of $8 (and that’s very much a simple example) meant I had to bring my own interpretation to it.

I like to think that during my time in leagues with the other GMs means that I am trusted as being fair and rational and impartial in these situations and that’s why it worked. I wasn’t questioned once about where the players ended up and for how much, though the big difference in player evaluations made that easier – there weren’t many instances of teams ending up with their 10th choice on their list.

Still, I would recommend having some kind of plan set up and agreed in advance.

Phil's about to buy someone - that's what I had just decided
Phil’s about to buy someone – that’s what I had just decided

3) Have some kind of contingency for if someone can’t attend. Who knows what can happen, especially when you set your auction date so far in advance. We were caught out by one member’s job situation taking him to the other side of the continent and we mad as good a stab at covering for him as possible.

I bought him a few players – none that I was targeting myself of course – when the info he had managed to send through at short notice seemed a bit shallow. He couldn’t have known that the values for the players he had given me would go above his maximum, and there was no ability to adjust on the fly so I took some decisions.

This wouldn’t work with a different group of people, which is why a more robust plan should be in place before it goes ahead, just in case.

In the end, he’s ended up with, arguably, a decent but not great. At least he’ll be competitive and, as Commissioner, it’s in my interest to make sure the league as a whole and all teams individually remain competitive.

The look of a man who wants to show the Racists how to properly build a roster
The look of a man who wants to show the Racists how to properly build a roster

4) Try to find somewhere with air conditioning.

5) Get someone to be auctioneer. Someone who is not buying a team. I managed to pull together a pretty decent team, but I made a fair few mistakes along the way and didn’t follow my plan. Not having to run the auction itself would have allowed me to pay more attention to the bids I was making and how much I was spending.

On a related note, if you can rope 2 people in (and I get that getting someone to be auctioneer could be hard enough), then having someone separate to enter all the sale details as you go would be ideal.

James plots his next move
James plots his next move

AUCTION LESSONS

1) Defensive players. No one knew how to value them. The big names went for big bucks, and that’s fair. Robert Quinn and JJ Watt are behemoths and will score more than anyone else on defense, but all my researched showed that the next tier below tended to be a) very similar in performance and b) relatively inconsistent. This means that paying for the 7th best linebacker last season is basically the same as paying for the 25th best linebacker last season.

Why, then, did I make Ryan Shazier my most expensive defensive player, at $16? He’s a rookie linebacker. He may be terrible – he’s never played one professional snap – and yet I made him the joint 8th most expensive linebacker.

Just by way of comparison, I got Kyle WIlliams, the best performing defensive tackle (DT) in 2013 (by 24 points) for $6. Each team only needs to field 1 DT, but can field 2. If we assume that every team fields 1 and there’s even skill distribution (and there isn’t, as I have 3 of the top 10 from 2013), Williams scored 70 points more than the fifth best DT in 2013, and 89.5 more than the 10th.

It’s no guarantee of future performance of course, but that’s potentially a substantial point advantage, especially when you consider the most expensive DT went for $26.

We won’t see just how good that purchase was, or how inconsistent the scoring turns out to be for defensive players until the season takes place, but I think it’s clear this is the area we knew the least about and were least prepared for. Those contracts will even out over time as they need to be renewed or players hit free agency, but for now they are all over the place.

Everyone is focused on what matters most to them. To Ian, that's the camera.
Everyone is focused on what matters most to them. To Ian, that’s the camera.

2) Quarterbacks. In any given week there are up to 32 players starting as QB across the league. This league requires exactly 10 to start each week. There are some excellent QBs out there who can score a lot of points, however, given the requirement to start 3 or 4 WRs and 2 or 3 RBs which means that those pools of major talent would be in high demand, I had decided my strategy was to pay low fo QBs and spend on performers in those positions.

I was right, as well. I could have picked up Matt Ryan, Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo – three players with several top 10 fantasy seasons behind them – for a combined $25.

Unfortunately, I spent $64 on my three QBs – one of whom is Ryan – but the other two are overpriced gambles, RG3 and Johnny Manziel. RG3 could be a top 3 player – he was 5th in his rookie season and only 27 points behind Drew Brees in 1st – but his injury record and inconsistent play in his second season show the direction this gamble could take.

I’m not unhappy to have RG3. I actually think his upside is more likely and he’ll be a great player to watch this season, but I’d rather have spent less and invested the extra money in WRs or RBs.

Related to this, Aaron Rodgers, arguably the best QB in the league and with many seasons ahead of him, was the highest valued player at the auction, sold for $77. Given the prices for other players, this to me was an overspend. Despite being a Packers fan, I had ruled out going for Rodgers before the auction because I thought he’d be too expensive and I think I was proved right.

Ultimately this boils down to how many points can, say, $40 buy you? (Matt Stafford scored 1.5 points per game fewer than Aaron Rodgers in 2013, 4 fewer in 2012, and cost $44 less at auction). Could the investment of $20 in two RBs or WRs net you a gain of more than 4 points per game over the players actually bought? I think that’s entirely possible. If I had spent $40 less on my QBs, as I intended, I would have invested in a couple of other bigger players.

But hey, it’ll all come out in the wash, and maybe the Tamworth Two, who paid that $77 for Rodgers, will be proven right with a trip to the Owl.

Geoff doesn't think much of David's purchase, while James counts his pennies for the Rodgers purchase.
Geoff doesn’t think much of David’s purchase, while James counts his pennies for the Rodgers purchase.

3) Rookies. This was the foundation of my plan. I had read theories around structuring a dynasty roster which said it was a better strategy to go for longer term, don’t look to go for year one. Why? Because a team that is built to win from year 1 rarely has the depth to win for much longer afterwards and so requires immediate work to rebuild. By investing in youth (younger studs too, not just rookies), you hopefully prime your team to be stacked for years to come. This strategy may have a sneaky added advantage of giving you a bad finish in season 1 and so netting you a high draft pick in the first rookie draft too.

I went after this big time, with a combination of rookies who had high upside (Jordan Matthews at Philadelphia, for example) and those I thought were assured to be at the least very solid for years to come (Brandin Cooks, New Orleans). I also threw the dice in a couple of areas. At Tight End (TE) I have taken 4 young guys who may or may not come to something. If one of them hits to any degree I should be in a good position.

Of course, there are no guarantees any of these guys hit, and that’s why I also made sure to grab some guys who were proven to some degree, but had years ahead of them. AJ Green of the Bengals was my main purchase, the second most expensive player at auction at $71, and alongside him I picked up some second and third year guys who can hopefully break out this year. At least I know they can already perform to a reasonable standard in the league.

Finally, I grabbed a couple of veteran WRs cheap in the post-auction portion of proceedings. Anquan Boldin and James Jones should provide something for at least a year. They may not set the world on fire, but they provide options.

The same kind of thing with RBs, except here I tried to pair guys up. I only succeeded with 49ers veteran and rookie combo of Frank Gore and Carlos Hyde, but I still feel I have a good mix of experience, youth and rookies, along with a couple of players who could surprise or could just disappear.

It may all backfire, of course, with nary a stud between them, but I can’t imagine all of them busting. Even if they don’t all become studs, there should be enough players with a good future ahead of them to keep me in with a shout for a few years.

David is shocked at the Flacco valuation while Ian intently ignores him
David is shocked at the Flacco valuation while Ian intently ignores him

4) Contracts. Of course, the one thing I had forgotten to factor in was contracts. We have a limit as to the number of contract years that can be assigned at the start which means that some/many of these players will need renewing or releasing in a year or two. If I offer short term contracts to young players I run the risk of not being able to afford to keep them when that time comes around, but if I offer them longer contracts and they bust, I end up wasting money on them. It’s a fine balance, but one that effects everyone. The potential issue with all the rookies is if too many of them do too well too early and I can’t afford to keep them all, but that would be a nice problem to have and one I’ll worry about if or when it comes up.

Chris looks studious - you'd not guess he's from Manchester
Chris looks studious – you’d not guess he’s from Manchester

5) Other teams. It was really good to see the variety of approaches taken and I was very pleased by the balance across the league. I think some teams are better than others, but there’s no one there who will be either winning or losing all their games this year. I was concerned some teams might end in a terrible state and that poor balance might lead to managers wanting to leave the league but I don’t think there’s a risk of that. I have my own favourites for the title this year, but I think it’s pretty wide open. Despite my plans for the future, I think I stand a chance of the playoffs this season, and if that’s achieved, who knows what will happen?

So overall it’s been a great deal of fun so far, and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things. It could have been a farce and, in many ways, it was a bit, but we’ve ridden through the storm and now can’t wait to get down to the real business, when we see just how wrong we were about the players we bought.

Laughter after David unveils an hilarious stat about Colin Kaepernick
Laughter after David unveils an hilarious stat about Colin Kaepernick

(NB all photos and video courtesy of Ben Archer)

Here Comes The Brees

Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar
Meeting: A secluded corner of the Cave Bar

Our interview is far from conventional. He insists we meet downstairs in a darkened corner of a bar called The Cave which fully lives up to its name, with its craggy stone walls and the lingering feeling you’re going to be trapped down there forever, hopefully without the creatures from The Descent.

He arrives late, constantly looking over both shoulders. He’s unnerved. Uncomfortable. And in disguise. Or is he? A disguise should make you blend in, make people ignore you, pay no attention. He is wearing a number 9 black New Orleans Saints shirt, fitted underneath with NFL shoulder pads (but none of the other padding) and he wears a Drew Brees mask over his face. If I hadn’t been warned, I think I would have run a mile.

This is Ben Archer, co-manager with Dan Sayles of one of the DynaBowl franchises, the name for which is not up for discussion, I am told in no uncertain terms. It’s only speculation, but I can’t help wondering if the reason for this is that Sayles will not tolerate talk of calling the team the Saints. It’s certainly clear that there’s plenty Sayles won’t tolerate and that’s the reason Archer insists on our meeting being so clandestine. I’m not sure if he really grasps the fact that our conversation is being recorded and will, ultimately, be published for all to see. Including Sayles.

I ask him if Sayles is easier to work with than he is to interview and it’s obvious that Archer is rattled. I’m afraid he’s going to bolt. Perhaps I should have started with something easier.

“Dan is a private man, and wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was talking to you today,” he says, as if that’s not obvious. “But that privacy is all part of a cunning… Oh wait I can’t talk about that. Don’t put that in the interview right, it’s just between us. I’ll start again, Dan is a private man but a damn fine manager, only this morning we were talking draft tactics and he said… No wait, I can’t say that either, you nearly caught me out there. You won’t include any of this right? I’ll try again. Dan is a private man, a damn fine manager and I expect good things from this partnership. He’s the brains, I’m the other one.”

The last sentence appears to be the first one that Archer is completely comfortable saying.

I try to take things are from the subject of Sayles and on to something he feels he can talk freely about, but when I query his crumbling in the latter stages of the 2013 Chatterbowl season he makes a startling admission. “I blame the stresses of being in China on that scouting trip, I told Dan that I wouldn’t be able to find a Chinese guy to play quarterback and I was right, they’re just too small. Even if they are bigger than Drew Brees.”

The DynaBowl wasn’t announced until after Archer returned from China, his team-up with Sayles until well into 2014. Is this just another sign of the mental hold Sayles has over Archer or is there something more suspicious going on? Was Sayles responsible for the bad decision making at the core of Archer’s capitulation? Archer clams up when I press him on the matter. Instead, he has alighted on the one matter he is happy to talk freely about, even if he’s not allowed to.

Me: “Who are you targeting in the auction?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about signing Drew Brees in the first round.”

Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose
Have you seen this man? Brees mask on the loose

Me: “Is Drew Brees the source of much conflict between you and Dan Sayles?”

Archer: “I am not allowed to talk about spending every dollar we have on Drew Brees.”

Me: “What do you see as the primary differences between the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl?”

Archer: “I really want to sign Drew Brees, I will have to beg Dan.”

Me: “Are you up to speed on the rules? There have been murmurings of discontent from other league members about having to read a Russian novel of a rulebook.”

Archer: “Seriously, Drew Brees, how fricking awesome is that man. What, the rules? well the rules pack was a bit in depth, but Dan assures me it’s fine, I mean I’ve not read them, I’m just going on gut instinct, I know what makes a good player. He has to be 6ft tall and 209lbs, and one of the best damn passers in the league that’s what makes a good player.

Me: “Drew Brees isn’t 6 feet tall. Anyway, what do you think your chances are in The DynaBowl? When might you get your hands on the trophy?”

Archer: “Just going back to Brees, no other quarterback has put up his kind of numbers ever. Back to back to back 5000+ yards passing, with more than 40 TDs in two of those seasons. The only quarterback ever with 4 5000+ yards seasons. I mean what a guy.”

At this point in our talk Archer excuses himself to go to the bathroom and I am left grateful. His excitement is palpable, perhaps a little too palpable, but seemingly pointed in the wrong direction. Fortunately, when he returns he’s able to talk a little more coherently, the descent into madness abated, however briefly. I steer the conversation away from football to establish some firmer ground.

Once upon a time Archer had a burgeoning career in statistical analysis, a dream that has died a Brees-related death, but I take him back to those happy days, a time when he completed his degree based on the analysis of baseball. His system flushed, he finally pulls the Brees mask off his face and, with a twinkle in his eye, momentarily drifts back in time.

“Baseball has always been my passion, the fresh smell of the outfield grass, the crack of bat on the ball, and there’s no reason I can’t take that kind of level of statistical analysis to the gridiron. I’ve been pulling data recently for a statistical model but it all depends on the final scoring system which I believe will be finalised soon. Then I can really start crunching some numbers.”

Whether Sayles allows him to or takes any notice is a different matter entirely, of course. So how is the draft board coming in preparation for the auction?

“The prep is going well, the draft board is taking shape, we have our main targets, first and foremost is of course… No wait, you’re good at this, you lulled me in and almost got me to tell you our strategy there. You’re keeping me on edge here. I thought you said this was a relaxed interview. The questions are too probing, can we just move on?”

“Who are the biggest threats then? Who do you think will rival you to take the title?” I ask, before my mischievous side takes over and I add “Besides anyone fielding Brees.”

“No one… No one else is taking Brees. He’s mine, he’s mine.” He takes a moment, breathing deep, calming himself. “Rivals. Well, everyone’s a rival. But I guess the main one would be D-slatz [David Slater, GM of the Dynasore Losers]. He talks a big game but he needs to be taken down a peg or two. I mean what has he ever won? As for the winner? Well I’d say the Commish himself stands the best chance as he’s likely the only one that really understands the rules.”

He pauses, pulls the mask back down over his face, stands up and says in a very threatening tone “But no one is taking Drew Brees away from me.”

And with that he runs away from the table and up the stairs shouting “I’m Drew Brees. Me. I am him. I am Drew Brees”. And then he’s gone, and I can feel the whole establishment breathe a sigh of relief.