Tag: Commissioner

Replacement Level: Week 5/6 Addendum

Geoffrey Manboob is a good man. And thorough. Well, not that thorough but he is busy, and I won’t have you holding that against him.

He missed a couple of things in his replacement level post this week and I am here to update those. Firstly, his own projected score, which is as follows:

PK Cantanzaro Ari 6.4
PN Ryan Seattle 0
QB Stanton Ari 4.28
RB Rodgers Atl 5.15
Ogbannaya Car 3.5
Robinson Jac 2.825
WR Johnson SF 2.9
Wright Min 3.9
Ginn Jnr Ari 2.2
LaFell NEP 4.6
TE Carlson Ari 4.4
DE Ngata Bal 2
Gholston TBB 1
DT Guion GBP 0.5
LB Robinson Was 2.5
Sheard Cle 0
Durant Dal 1.5
Graham Phi 1
S Ishmael Atl 4
Jefferson Ari 5.65
CB Cox SF 0
Arrington NEP 1.5
Total 59.805

 

Second of all, there’s the scoring of Iran’s team from week 5. Ian was projected a total of 79.2 points. According to his post. I do not know if this is true. But let’s see how his team actually wound up doing…

PK Bullock Hou 4
PN Schmidt Buf 10.125
QB Fitzpatrick Hou 4.46
RB Helu Was 5.8
Smith Atl 14.5
WR Austin Cle 5.4
Cotchery Car 4.6
Sanu Cin 13
Wright Min 2.7
TE Gresham Cin 1.5
Harbor Jac 2.2
DE Ayers NYG 1
Thornton Phi 12.5
DT Hankins NYG 16.5
LB Bostic Chi 1.5
Davis NYJ 2.75
Hawthorne NOS 2.25
Robinson Was 3
S Adams Ind 12.5
Moore Den 0.5
CB Allen Pit 19.5
Jackson Hou 4.25
Total 144.535

So there we go. He came out over 65 points better off. Well done Iran.

Alas, Smith and Phones

Dan Smith has a very fortunate position in the world of the DynaBowl, which in some way balances out his unfortunate position in the real world, living in the wilds of Canada as he does. Unfortunately his remote location means that a face to face interview was not possible – they barely have electricity where Dan is, let alone a runway. Instead we are forced to carry out our interview over the crackliest of telegraph wires which may have led to some miscommunications, but hopefully I’ve managed to salvage a meaningful conversation from the electronic wreckage.

NB: Wherever I am unclear about what was said I have entered my interpretation of the conversation in [square brackets]. This may not reflect Smith’s original intent.

Ottawa's telephone, yesterday
Ottawa’s telephone, yesterday

I start by asking him about that stroke of great fortune he had in teaming up with Benjamin Hendy, the Commissioner of the DynaBowl league, the man who wrote the rulebook and the man with whom he co-runs the Dynablaster Bombermen. How will the dynamic work between them?

A: “Well, he wrote the rules so I see him handling most of the [cheating]. I’m more of a gut feeling type of guy who will just suggest stupid things that ensure we go out in the first round of the playoffs.”

Q: And have you had any hand in the rules?

A: “I haven’t had a hand in the rules, as quite frankly I am as baffled by them as [any fluent speaker of the English language would be].”

Q: So was there anything you’re cursing Hendy for missing out?

A: “[Basic literacy]? Seriously though, it would have been nice if the auction could have been held somewhere less accessible like beautiful Ottawa.”

Q: After the first year of the Chatterbowl this might have seemed like a dream pairing, with you and Hendy both making a bit of a run for the title, but Hendy really regressed in year two while you continued to excel. Are you worried he might drag you down?

A: “Well I may have gotten lucky a couple of years running but the fact that I couldn’t push on to at least the final suggests something is missing. I’m hoping that Hendy will add his special sauce that turns us into the Big Mac of Fantasy Football. Or a Whopper at the very least.”

Q: Now, being based over in North America, does that give you a strategic advantage, being closer to the action?

A: “I hope not, otherwise I should be doing a hell of a lot better than I have been. I do get to watch more games live but with the internet, [everybody’s ahead of me. My television only shows games in black and white, I can barely tell the sides apart].

Q: Are there disadvantages to the location? The CFL runs until November. Will that keep your eye off the pigskin?

A: “While it is true that Ottawa has a CFL team for the first time since 2005, they went and called themselves the “RedBlacks” and I can’t take a team seriously that just names itself after the colour of their uniforms so have sworn off CFL for the foreseeable future. [Moose knuckles on the other hand].”

Q: So what are the key transferables from the Chatterbowl? Where does The DynaBowl differ?

A: “Ultimately there are only two things that are the same in the Chatterbowl and The DynaBowl, the gentlemen [of low moral stature and even lower hygiene] who own the franchises and their cluelessness.”

Q: So what will the key to winning The DynaBowl be?

A: “The key is to tapping into the stupidity of all the other managers and making them do things that are disastrous to their team. Off the top of my head and thinking of nobody in particular, this will include things such as getting someone to buy Drew Brees for [a very reasonable] $300.”

Q: Is there anyone you particularly want to see on your team, once the auction is over and done with?

A: “I could not possibly comment at this time. Although I do really think we should be bidding high on all Saints players.”

Q: Who do you think are the greatest threats are in this league?

A: “The biggest threat to my sanity is probably David. The biggest threat in terms of winning the league is hard to say at this point, as nobody has shown that they actually have the faintest idea of [how to breath with their mouth shut, let alone manage a Dynasty League Football Team].”

Q: Have you suggest any tricks to Hendy to use at the auction? Anything to pull the wool over other owners or psyche them out?

A: “Every one of these answers is a trick.”

Q: Any message for your opposing GMs?

A: “Hey, have some drinks on me! Wait, what’s the exchange rate?”

I tell him.

A: “Hey, buy yourselves some beers, get really drunk and make some bad decisions!”

And with that the operator cuts in to explain that someone else in the province needs to use the phone line now and that our time is up.