Tag: Dynasore Losers

1.1 Dynahard pick Todd Gurley.

Dynahard’s draft will most likely be focused on improving depth initially at RB and then WR to compliment Antonio Brown. An ageing Jamaal Charles on a hefty salary, will be compensated by going for the next best dynasty RB in Gurley. You may not see the early production with his torn ACL and where he’s landed meaning splitting carries, but Gurley will be a long term pick and provide franchise value in a position that is often a lottery. Dynahard may also go with Gordon to get his early level production, however, slightly lower on long term value, I see Gurley as much more complementary to having Charles on the roster.

1.2 Dynasty of Sadness pick Melvin Gordon

The Sadness have 2 studs at WR, with very little need in this position over the next couple of years, as long as they stay healthy. This makes their pick relatively straight forward with Gordon filling a need as The Sadness have no RB1 on their books.

1.3 Dungeoneers chose Kevin White

EFD have little depth at RB or WR so it wouldn’t be unusual to see them freeing up some salary space and trading up in the top 15 picks for some potential studs. They’ll need someone with a high ceiling and not many players have that combined with a landing spot as good as White. I wouldn’t be surprised to see EFD try to trade up to snag Gordon or Gurley based on the depth on offer at WR.

1.4 Tamworth Two pick Amari Cooper

While the main need for the TT is at punter or kicker, choosing this position on the 4th pick may arguably be considered reaching by some. Strengthening at RB during free agency with Stewart provides a little cushion in this position. TT would probably be happy at this stage with Cooper, although would also be derided with him making 3 Oakland receivers being on their books.

1.5 Here Comes the Brees pick Tevin Coleman

Relatively controversial, the Brees lack an elite option at both RB and WR, and were most affected by the draft with Brees’ players falling down the depth charts. Most notably, the Rams option on Gurley to share carries with Tre Mason and Falcons picking Coleman, resulted in two fantasy RB1s rapidly turn in to RB2s Gurley would have gone by now, so logically, to make the most of their situation, Coleman offers a safer pick and guarantees Brees get the majority of the points from the Falcons running game. Another option here, could be DGB who undoubtedly offer a higher long term ceiling. Unfortunately that’s a far higher risk for the 5th pick. I doubt they’ll trust TJ Yeldon at Jacksonville, as although a 3 down back, the blocking scheme there isn’t as proven. Don’t be surprised again to see Brees trade up if Gurley or Gordon are available.

1.6 Bombermen choose Breshad Perriman

The Bombermen have done an excellent job of using cap room to fill significant weaknesses across the board, resulting in their roster being misleadingly better then their draft pick suggests. At this stage, they may not be after top talent but the attractiveness of Perriman’s landing spot at the Ravens may be too hard to pass over. While trading down is a legitimate option for them, a Torrey Smith replacement and possible WR1 is a relative no brainer. Combined with the potential to pair with Flacco on their roster, his deep ball threat and Perriman’s ability to stretch the field, this could result in a some big fantasy weeks.

1.7 KDPBNDR choose Nelson Agholor

Apart from having an awful team name KDPBNDRs also struggle with some negative impact from the draft across their roster. The move of Maclin to Kansas seriously curtails his fantasy value, with his deep threat off set by Alex Smith’ inability to throw more than 7 yards. Agholor fills this need and could be a steal at 7 considering his upside and relative early points potential in Chip Kelly’s offence. The Eagles lose and gain a deep level threat and KDPBNDRs should seek to take advantage.

While a RB may be on the cards too due to the movement of Matthews and Murray to the Eagles, they still have depth at this position, especially as Zac Stacy’s value increases now he is at the Jets.

Winston and Mariota may fill a long term need at QB but questions on Winston’s character, and Mariota’s lack of experience in a pro style offence and his fit at Titans mean too much risk is with them for a first round pick.

1.8 The Losers pick Dorial Green-Beckham

A contentious pick because the Losers have a serious dearth of RB talent, however, D Slatz gushing of the big receiver can’t go unheard and I am sure he will look for a player like David Cobb from a deep RB class, in round 2 to fulfil his RB needs. DGB will be a high risk/reward feature and goes straight in to being a WR1 on the Titans roster. It may not be the most straight forward pick but negates some future issues with Larry Fitzgerald being on the roster for only 1 more season. I doubt TJ Yeldon will be available at 2.8 and DGB will be too good to turn down here.

1.9 Champions of the Sun choose TJ Yeldon

This pick is motivated by the Vikings decision to retain Adrian Peterson and the Browns drafting yet another RB early on. The roster remains relatively strong with some nice depth on defence but as much as the 2015 RB class is a deep one, it doesn’t cover the fact that Yeldon lands as a 3 down back in a Jags offence that possesses a more varied attack and an experienced QB than before. This will adequately cover the loss of points. While Duke Johnson could be an option with the , you would really have to be glutton for punishment to suggest he will outscore Yeldon and rely on the entire Brown’s run game to get you to the next level of Dynasty football.

1.10 Firebirds choose Leonard Williams

I was tempted to go with Ameer Abdullah but the real value in round 1 dynasty picks lies with players you know will produce for the entire length of their contract considering they are 3 or 4 year commitments. While Abdullah was the third best RB on many experts boards, according to pro football focus’ analysis, he’s one of the worst blockers so he’ll be splitting carries with Joique Bell until he improves.

Williams will improve on the already adequate DE cover in the roster but will provide an immediate upgrade in production and long term stability in that position over his contract. This pick won’t be as glamorous as the rest but we will see the Champions improve on an already good roster.

2.1 Dynahard choose Devante Parker.

Overlooking the pressing need to fill the DT position, Dynahard go for the best long term offensive position still on the board and will gladly snap him up. A lot of talk suggests Parker will initially be the WR4 on Miami’s books with Landry (slot), Jennings and Stills all ahead of him on the depth chart. This is not to say he won’t end up being a WR1 one day, even 10 games in, especially with an ageing Jennings. But with Tannehill’s dubious deep threat skills (highlighted by Wallace’s frustrating season last year) and a playbook in the redzone more suited to slot receivers (such as Landry’s target count) there are doubts on whether Parker’s high draft pedigree reflects his fantasy potential. Dynahard should snap this pick up.

2.2 The Sadness choose Ameer Abdullah

Trent Richardson is as useful as a chocolate fireguard so expect the sadness to take advantage of the deep RB class and their poor depth in that position. Abdullah may split carries with Joique Bell, but he is on The Sadness’ roster making this a smart handcuff. They’ll be able to make the most out of the decisions with who will get the majority of the carries in the Lions’ backfield making this a low risk option in a position offset by insecurities. It may be a risk to hedge your bets, but replacing Reggie Bush’s touches will see a nice upside in Detroit, plus none of the other available RBs (Cobb, Ajayi, both Johnsons) offer as much upside as Abdullah, with the handcuff potential.

2.3 The Dungeoneers pick Jamais Winston.

The first QB pick off the board goes to the team with the highest risk at the position. Brees, one of the most reliable in the league now sees his main weapon and red zone threat gone, with more emphasis and investment in the Saints running game. Foles won’t have the same available receiver group in St Louis, who will be setting their game around their newly acquired RB. I choose Winston over Mariota based on his pro ready collegiate career over the Titans signalcaller. Mike Evans is a top 16 receiver, and even if he suffers a sophomore slump, V Jacks is still there.

2.4 Tamworth Two choose David Cobb

Resisting the urge to choose a punter, the TT stupidly choose to balance things out with an RB. I’m convinced that David Johnson, Duke Johnson and Jay Ajayi offer much more upside. Duke falls in a Brown’s that just don’t know when to stop running. Ajayi was ranked as a top RB prior to some knee concerns. And David looks set to be a feature back at the Cardinals, a team who often split loads with Ellington. It may be a lower risk, but with some RB depth, TT may see this as a sensible pick.

2.5 The Sadness pick Shane Ray

Another pick for the Sadness sees them improve their terrible DE depth. Ray is a sensible pick in a dynamic Broncos defense. With attention on their other pass rushers and line backers, Ray may see a productive start, assuming he gets over any turf toe injury.

2.6 The Bombermen choose Danny Shelton.

The acquisition of Cameron Wake in FA helped stop a gap for a year or two and cover one of the two largest flaws in the Bombermen’s roster. Danny Shelton, the highest ranked DT will immediately slot in a Brown’s defence who were ranked 32nd last year against the run. He’ll have plenty of opportunity to rack up tackles in Cleveland.

2.7 KDPBNDR choose Maxx Williams

Lacking any significant tight end, KDPBNDR nab the top ranked TE in a relatively shallow class. Notoriously low scorers in their first seasons as the rookie TEs get to grips with both the throwing game and the blocking responsibilities, Williams could be a massive risk, however, in a relative strong roster it may be worth taking, especially if they can acquire more experienced TE at a later date to cover the immediate season.

2.8 The Losers pick Duke Johnson.

Again, the RBs in this tier appear to be evenly spread, but Duke will enter a offence set up for the run rather than the pass. His Florida college, have a great reputation in producing pro ready RBs so don’t be surprised if the rookie ousts Crowell and West (who both offered less than 4ypc) to be their feature back. Johnson will the choice of DGB previously picked.

2.9 Here Comes the Brees pick Dante Fowler Junior.

While it’s tempting to take a shot at another WR, Brees don’t have an elite option as an edge rusher. Fowler slots in nicely.

2.10 The Bombermen chose David Johnson.

To take advantage of having Ellington, the Bombermen conveniently pick up Johnson. Although they don’t need another RB, or any other position for that matter, taking a gamble on a deep WR class is a gamble worth taking.

Mock Draft 2.0 – DSlatz Stat Attackz Version

April 20, 2015

Commish

D-Slatz takes his turn analysing team needs and picking the first 31 men off the board.

1. DynaHard – needs QB, RB3, WR2, TE, S.
Picks 1, 11, 22, 32, 42, 45, 55, 56, 66

DynaHard’s biggest need is at TE, where the current options are beyond uninspiring. Finding the right tight end might be tricky though with no particularly stand out options. The 32nd pick might be the right time to take a gamble on whichever tight end the Saints grab in the middle rounds. If the best tight-end lands in a decent situation, this would be a solid pick.
Similarly, a potential top 3 QB would upgrade the roster significantly, but QBs need time. Winston is the better pocket passer and better NFL QB, if he’s available at 11 then he’d be a great pick up. If not Mariota should be available and would be worth considering, particularly if someone like San Diego trades up to get him. Garret Grayson with a late pick may offer a nice risk/reward option if he lands somewhere he can play, such as Buffalo, and will probably be available with a late pick (50+).
Antonio Brown is a clear number one receiver, but after him Edelman and Watkins are below-average second receivers. Watkins showed flashes and definitely has room to improve, but he’s got a run-happy coach and a terrible QB, so there is no guarantee that improvement will come any time soon. Given the league’s increasingly pass-happy direction and the ability of rookie receivers to make an impact almost immediately, taking the best WR is the ideal use of the #1 pick. Cooper should land at the Raiders with a young QB who showed plenty of promise last year, but if White ends up with the Giants or Chicago, he’d surely be the better selection of the two.
The Running Back position is intriguing. Given the cap situation Charles could be a casualty if the right offer is made, if he is, that makes the RB position a definite need, but currently Charles and Morris represent a fine 1 / 2 combination and with Mathews, Randle/Dunbar and Sankey on the roster a solid RB3 option could easily develop. If the intention is to trade, Gurley would be another option with the top pick, however rookie RBs have generally struggled, and highly touted young RBs have struggled to make either an immediate or extended impact. In what looks like a deep and talented RB class, mid-round picks like TJ Yeldon and Tevin Coleman could easily land in good situations and have immediate impacts, and would offer great value if they can be got with the 32nd, 42nd or 45th picks.

2. Dynasty of Sadness – needs QB?, RB1, TE, DE, DT, LB2.
Picks 2, 12, 15, 23, 33, 43, 57, 67

If Carolina can do a better job of protecting Cam and letting him make plays he should turn back into a top 10 QB. In that situation, this is a lower need position that could be filled with a late round flier on Hundley, or possibly with Mariota at 15 if he’s still available.
The most pressing need is at RB, and going to the well twice for Gurley / Gordon in the first round and Jay Ajayi in the second is definitely an option. While wide receiver isn’t a need, there’s a definite temptation to pick the best WR available as they may well be the best and most reliable pick you could make in the first round.
There really isn’t a great tight end option, and a mid-round pick based on the situation a developmental TE finds themselves in might be a better option than spending a high pick on the ‘best’ Tight End.
Williams is not necessarily seen as a top, top tier talent at DE, but is the best defender in the draft and would represent a solid long-term option at DE, even if he ends up a Titan. He could be an option with the #2 pick, but it would probably be a bit of a reach given the need at RB. There is so much depth among the end position that potentially good options like Eli Harold, Preston Smith or Alvin Dupree will be available later in the draft and it may be better to look for a slightly worse player who lands in a great situation to play early and often. If Shane Ray or Dante Fowler is still around in the middle of the second round, they’d be great pick ups.
Danny Shelton at DT is also a potential second round option, but it’s a pretty deep draft for tackles, and someone like Arik Armistead who has all the physical tools to play the position if he can land with a coach, like Tomsula or Ryan, who can help him piece it together would represent great value in the late rounds.
It’s not a great draft for safeties, but that may not prevent the Dynasty spending their top pick on one.

3. East Flanders Dungeoneers – needs RB2, WR1/2, DE1, LB3, S.
Picks 3, 13, 21, 34, 47, 58, 68

The Dungeoneers have reloaded well in free agency, but there just aren’t the options to get a great receiver in free agency, and likely won’t be soon. That means that the draft is the best way to find an elite receiver. Ideally the Dungeoneers would look to trade everything to get back into the top of the first round and take both White and Cooper at 3 and 4 and expect one of them to become an elite receiver. However that seems unlikely to happen, so taking whichever one of White or Cooper is left at 3 seems like an obvious selection. DeVante Parker, Dorial Beckham-Green aren’t likely to be around by the second round, but if they are they represent good value. At least one of Jalen Strong, Breshad Perriman, Phillip Dorsett and Devin Smith will be though, and all have the potential to develop into a good second WR option in the right situation.
With Forsett in place, the need at RB is not as bad as it is at WR, but should both Cooper and White go in the first two picks, Gurley would be tough to pass up. Melvin Gordon will likely be available, but a later round pick such as Yeldon or Coleman probably represents better value.
Defensive End is a deep position to draft from, and with the needs on offence it would be a surprise to see Leonard Williams go this high. Similarly spending a second round pick on Gregory or Ray is a stretch unless the receiver options have been decimated. Better to look in the later rounds at a player with breakout potential. Nate Orchard had a great 2014, and has potential to be a late round steal and Markus Golden has bags of talent but will drop down the NFL draft due to injuries which slowed him down last year and should be available at 50+.
Safety is a need, but frankly the safety option in this year’s draft are poor with Landon Collins possibly the only safety to go in the first round. Byron Jones might be the best athlete, although he may end up an NFL corner. He should be available somewhere after the 30th pick.

4. Tamworth Two – needs WR1, TE, DE1, LB1, CB1, S1.
Picks 4, 14, 25, 35, 48, 59, 69

Tamworth Two have a lot of almost players lurking at 10th to 15th at their positions, and it wouldn’t be a shock to see some of them improve next year.
The biggest need on the roster is an elite wide receiver, and if Cooper or White drops here they should be a nailed on selection. If they don’t things get a little murkier as there is no talent on the defensive side of the ball worthy of the 4th pick.
Dorial Green-Beckham is an option, he represents a risk with his disciplinary issues in college, but there’s no doubt he’s one of the three most talented athletes at his position in this draft. He could have a Beckham Jr. level of impact if he finds a good fit. DaVante Parker is another option. Slightly less talented, but he represents a safer bet than DGB and is clearly the next best safe selection at receiver after Cooper and White. He doesn’t necessarily project as a potential WR1 thought. A lot will depend on who lands where, as nobody wants to draft the talented receiver who the Browns are expected to draft high in the first and inevitably ruin.
The need at Defensive End is intriguing. Both Dante Fowler Jr and Leonard Williams are options. It seems high for a defensive player, but they fill a need for this team and could develop into great #1 options at either DE or LB. However Randy Gregory, Shane Ray should be available in the second round and represent better value.
This team doesn’t need running backs particularly, as long as Lesean McCoy does better in Buffalo than his last year in Philly. However if Gurley were to fall he may be a tough player to pass on.
If Trey Waynes is available at 25 it’d be tough to pass him up. Failing that the needs at CB and safety can be filled in the later rounds with someone like Jalen Collins or Marcus Peters. Talented players who’ll be taken relatively high in the NFL draft.

5. Champions of the Sun – needs QB?, RB2/3, WR3.
Picks 9, 26, 40, 46, 49, 60, 70

Champions of the Sun have used their draft capital aggressively to fill needs in trades and free agency, leaving only 1 pick in the top 20, but a shortage of clear needs.
If Gordon falls to 9 he’d be a solid pick, it’s almost certain Gurley won’t make it this far. A good depth receiver with potential is the most likely pick though with the #9 selection. Cooper, White, Parker and DGB will all be gone almost certainly, but there should be at worst a couple of Jalen Strong, Breshad Perriman, Phillip Dorsett and Devin Smith to select from. A late round flyer on Brandin Cooks-like diminutive flier Tyler Lockett might also be an option, and while there’s legitimate concerns over Devin Funchess’s ability to create separation with his complete lack of speed, there is no doubting the 6’4 receivers hands or ability to create mismatch nightmares with his size.
It would be a reach for a running back other than Gordon at this point, but given the next pick would be the 26th, a reach for Jay Ajayi might be an option. A later round selection, such as a David Johnson is also an option at running back. Unless he lands in a particularly good RB situation Johnson is at best going to compete for a spot in camp, but he has the talent to make a starting job his own with the right franchise and could be a real find in the later rounds of the Dynabowl draft.
One intriguing option for the inaccurately-named Champions is at QB. Mariota or Winston could be available at 9, and while there’s been a reasonable investment in Roethlisberger, last season was an outlier in terms of fantasy production. A potential franchise QB to replace an aging Big Ben would be hard to pass up given the relative health of the overall roster.

6. Dynablaster Bombermen – needs ‘elite’ players.
Picks 6, 16, 20, 37, 44, 50, 53, 61, 62, 71

There is no position that jumps out from the Bombermen’s roster as having gaps or needs. They’ve solid top ten options in most positions, and good solid depth behind those players. What does strike me when I look through their performance though is the lack of elite talent in most positions. Aside from AJ Green, who’s 2014 showing is likely a blip caused by injuries there’s no elite talent. That should be the main aim for the Bombermen in this draft. Three picks in the top 20 definitely helps, but Cooper, White and Gurley represent the best three options in the draft in terms of potential to become elite players. It’s unlikely any of them make it to the 6th selection.
With a lot of draft capital, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility for the Bombermen to trade up or into next year’s draft instead. However, assuming that doesn’t happen they’re best off looking for the risk/reward players who have the potential to provide them an elite pay-off. The best example of this is Dorial Green-Beckham, and it would be a surprise both if he didn’t make it to the 6th selection and if the Bombermen passed on him in that position.
One option for the Bombermen is at QB. Ryan is a good QB, reliable and effective. He’s also playing for a poor Falcons team and had two below average (with only 10 QBs, anything below 6th is below average) seasons. If the GMs at Bomberman HQ feel Mariota or Winston has elite potential they’d be an option at 6, and a real selection headache at 16.
David Cobb has been a productive runner in Minnesota, and answered some doubts with a good showing in the Senior Bowl, his ability to handle a big workload could make him a potential lead back somewhere in the NFL, and that makes him a tempting selection in the mid to late rounds.

7. Kelkowski Don’t Play by No Dyna Rules – needs QB, TE?, DT, LB1, CB2.
Picks 7, 17, 28, 38, 51, 72

The biggest needs for Kelkowski is easily the lack of a franchise QB. They could also use a tight end and options on defence.
With the tight end options slim, and neither DTs nor LBs offering value in the first round Kelkowski should definitely look to take one of the two top QBs in the draft. Maxx Williams is the best Tight End, and while not an outstanding talent, he might be around in the second round, and while that’s a reach, he might represent a reasonable gamble at that point, if Shelton and Brown have gone.
It’s not impossible, but it is unlikely that someone gets ahead of Kelkowski on the tackle front, and both Malcolm Brown and Danny Shelton project as first round tackles in the NFL draft. One of these, or possibly Dante Fowler, Shane Ray or Vic Beasley in the second round, and maybe even again in the third would definitely fill roster holes and have potential to develop into a great weapon on the defensive side of the ball.
In a reasonably deep and hard to call cornerback draft, Waynes might be available at 28, or a later selection in the last two or three rounds should pick up a good prospect at a tough position to predict.

8. DynaSore Losers – needs QB?, RB2, WR3, DT, CB.
Picks 8, 18, 29, 39, 52, 63, 73

The Losers needs are hard to call with a few question marks on positions. Dalton and Carr represent options if Manning falls apart, but neither looks likely to develop and replace Manning’s elite production. Mariota or Winston could therefore be an option with the 8th pick, and certainly with the 18th if they haven’t been taken.
The Running back position should be OK with Peterson and Forte, but they are aging. Gordon would be tough to pass over if he hasn’t been taken, otherwise a later round option would be better.
The biggest need on the roster is at tackle, and Danny Shelton is a definite option in the second round, with Malcolm Brown possibly available in the third.
Another option in the first round is to go with a wide receiver. Nelson is a stud, but Sanders may struggle if Manning does, and who knows how Torrey Smith will do in San Francisco. DaVante Parker and DGB may well be gone, if not they’d be good value here. The next tier of talent (Strong, Perriman, Dorsett, Smith) should be available, but they aren’t the easiest to separate. The best of them will probably be a good WR2 / 3, but knowing who that will be is the challenge and the gamble on making that call might not represent good value.
Leonard Williams may easily fall this far, and while DE is not a necessity, his talent makes him a great option at #8.
The need at corner can be addressed later in the draft, as there’s plenty of good options in the first few rounds.

9. Here Comes The Brees – needs RB, WR, DE, DT, LB, CB2?, S.
Picks 5, 19, 24, 30, 36, 64, 74

The Brees have a lot of holes on the roster, without an elite receiver, or running back after failing to tie down Forsett for the long-term. They lack talent across the whole defence, and Leonard Williams and Dante Fowler Jr will likely be available at 5. That would be a stretch though with the holes on offence.
With Gurley, Cooper and White likely gone by this point DeVante Parker and Melvin Gordon are the two most obvious picks at 5. The risk associated with DGB probably isn’t worthwhile for a team with so many holes, even if he is available. Parker might be the lesser talent and probably doesn’t project as a WR1, but he is the more reliable selection.
If any of Strong, Perriman, Dorsett, Smith or Ajayi make it to the depths of the second round, they’d be hard to pass up. However that seems unlikely, and the next tier of talent at the WR position is probably not worth the reach with so much defensive talent available. Picks 19, 24 and 30 provide an opportunity to net a couple of players from the pool of great defenders such as Brown, Shelton, Ray, Gregory and Beasley and that sort of solid rebuilding would be a great return for a roster with so many holes.

10. DynaForOne Firebirds – needs DE1, LB, CB, S.
Picks 10, 27, 31, 41, 54, 65, 75

No surprise to see the champions roster in relatively good shape, particularly offensively. The Firebirds could reload their offence with some good prospects to provide depth and trade bait, but they do have clear needs on defence. Leonard Williams may not survive the first round to be available, but the teams picking 1-5 will have better options for their picks and the teams picking 6-9 have less need for an elite DE. If he falls past to the Tamworth Two, it’s like Williams falls all the way to the Firebirds. Failing that, Dante Fowler Jr is the best player at a position of need, and the Jacksonville defence is not a place fantasy players go to die, as Senderrick Marks has demonstrated.
With no second round pick, the next pick is probably likely to miss out on Ray, Gregory, Beasley or one of the other potentially elite pass rushers. Lorenzo Mauldin is a bit of a project who needs to bulk up a little to succeed in the NFL, and he might make a decent mid-round pick for a Dynabowl team who have the opportunity to be patient.

1.01	1	Dyna Hard	Amari Cooper, WR
1.02	2	The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness	Todd Gurley, RB
1.03	3	East Flanders Dungeoneers	Kevin White, WR
1.04	4	Tamworth Two	Dorial Green-Beckham, WR
1.05	5	Here Comes The Brees	DaVante Parker, WR
1.06	6	Dynablaster Bombermen	Melvin Gordon, RB
1.07	7	Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules	Jameis Winston, QB
1.08	8	Dynasore Losers	Marcus Mariota, QB
1.09	9	Champions of the Sun	Philip Dorsett, WR
1.10	10	DynaForOne Firebirds	Leonard Williams, DE
2.01	11	Dyna Hard	Jay Ajayi, RB
2.02	12	The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness	Dante Fowler Jr, LB
2.03	13	East Flanders Dungeoneers	Jalen Strong, WR
2.04	14	Tamworth Two	Vic Beasley, LB
2.05	15	The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness	Danny Shelton, DT
2.06	16	Dynablaster Bombermen	Breshad Perriman, WR
2.07	17	Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules	Maxx Williams, TE
2.08	18	Dynasore Losers	Devin Smith, WR
2.09	19	Here Comes The Brees	Shane Ray, DE
2.10	20	Dynablaster Bombermen	Randy Gregory, LB
2.11	21	East Flanders Dungeoneers	Telvin Coleman, RB
3.01	22	Dyna Hard	Trey Waynes, CB
3.02	23	The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness	Malcom Brown, DT
3.03	24	Here Comes The Brees	AJ Yeldon, RB
3.04	25	Tamworth Two	Alvin Dupree, LB
3.05	26	Champions of the Sun	Brett Hundley, QB
3.06	27	DynaForOne Firebirds	Bud Dupree, LB
3.07	28	Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules	Eli Harold, LB
3.08	29	Dynasore Losers	Arik Armistead, DT
3.09	30	Here Comes The Brees	Duke Johnson, RB
3.10	31	DynaForOne Firebirds	Marcus Peters, CB

Mock Draft 1.0

April 13, 2015

Commish

League Business Mock Draft No Comments

So we’re only 2 weeks and 3 days away from the beginning of the draft. The NFL draft that is. We’re still over 2 months from the DynaBowl draft or, as we like to call it, the main event.

Anyway, given we have no idea where the rookies are going – something that will have a large impact on the desirability of some players, I mean, do you want to draft a Cleveland Brown? – it seems like the ideal time to have some wild stabs in the dark as to who will select which player when.

First up to the plate (nothing like mixing our American sports, it’s Dyna Hard.

FIRST ROUND

1. Dyna Hard – Todd Gurley – RB

The consensus top prospect and Dyna Hard doesn’t buck the trend. Sure, Jamaal Charles and Alfred Morris are already in town, but Charles won’t last forever – rumour has it Hard are willing to trade him and given his cap hit that’s not surprising – and depth at RB is always good. It’s a limited position and Gurley is a great prospect. That said, don’t rule out Hard moving down in the draft to cut a precious few dollars from the rookie cap hit, perhaps storing up picks for 2016.

2. The 4th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness – Melvin Gordon – RB

This was a difficult call. DoS are weak all over the pitch, barring a couple of big stars at WR in Bryant and OBJ. Perhaps the thought will be trying to find a third big star at WR to possibly create the most fearsome receiving corps in the league, but with such little talent at RB, Gordon seems too good an option to pass up. Again, moving back to try and accumulate picks isn’t out of the question if DoS see the right offer coming in.

3. East Flanders Dungeoneers – Kevin White – WR

The Dungeoneers have quietly built an impressive running back stable so would most likely pass on the top two prospects even if one of them fell this low. No, WR is where the need is, a position where ‘underperformance’ was the new ‘performance’ in 2014. White did himself plenty of favours with the watching public at the combine and leapt up plenty of draft boards, and I’m willing to bet that the Dungeoneers’ was one of them.

4. Tamworth Two – Devante Parker – WR

Tamworth may like the idea of jumping up a couple of slots to pick up a RB now that McCoy and Jackson are in the same town, but with Jeffrey, Landry and Wallace as the top 3 WRs, they may fancy staying put and taking their favoured player. If only one WR is off the board, Tamworth should be happy. The conventional move would be to go for Cooper, but he’s been slipping on boards recently and with the DynaBowl being a non-PPR league he loses further shine. Add to that the possibility of Cooper landing in Cleveland and you have a perfect storm for a player dropping like a stone. Parker is a great prospect, don’t get me wrong, and Tamworth will be delighted to get their man.

5. Her Comes The Brees – Leonard Williams – DE

Having sold defensive playmaker Marcell Dareus to move up to this position (along with gaining DeSean Jackson and a swap up in the 4th too), the Brees take Williams who they hope will prove to be a JJ Watt-style outlier. People have called Williams the best player in the draft, but he’s been taking some knocks recently. This is a gamble but if it pays off it could help the Brees back to the Bowl.

6. Dynablaster Bombermen – Amari Cooper – WR

A relative no-brainer for the Bombermen, Cooper is the best prospect left on the board and one the Bombermen will be surprised is still available. Given the depth of young WR talent on the Bombermen roster, this may be a case of reluctantly taking a player though. If Cooper falls this low, don’t be surprised if they try to move down, cashing in the pick to a more WR-needy team.

7. Kelkowski… – Jameis Winston – QB

With only QBs of either questionable health or questionable talent on the books, Kelkowski decide to take a chance on one with questionable character instead. Having missed out on the top tier of talent and with good depth at both RB and WR, they see this as a great spot to lock up a franchise QB who might live through a season without being terrible.

8. Dynasore Losers – Dorial Green-Beckham – WR

This was a tough call. The Losers are a candidate to move up to grab a player of their choice – a RB might be desirable but with AP surely coming back and Matt Forte still going strong, depth at WR seems more important. After Jordy Nelson things are shaky – Peyton fell away and points dried up for Sanders, Gordon may not play again, Torrey Smith is going to try to catch balls from Colin Kaepernick. DGB is a risk but with the right landing spot could turn out to be a beast.

9. Champions of the Sun – Breshad Perriman – WR

On a name basis, this was a candidate for Kelkowski. The fastest WR at the combine has caught the eye of the Champions (not to be confused with the champions, who pick at 10). The Champions will also be tempted by the backs but with McKinnon and Spiller both looking to build in newly won positions or at new teams, the depth should be enough.

10. DynaForOne Firebirds – Dante Fowler – DE

Some people think he’ll go before Williams and could be just as disruptive a defensive player. The Firebirds are stacked at WR and with Lynch and Anderson at RB take the risk at getting a 10-year, top 10 player at his position. Or that’s what they hope. The offence was a beast last year, this pick could give the defense the same kick.

SECOND ROUND

1. Dyna Hard – Danny Shelton – DT

Hard would really like a WR here but the value has gone from that market and having gone RB early they’re not looking to take another. Instead they look to the top tackle in the draft to pair with JJ Watt. If this scenario were to happen, expect the Hards to be very keen to trade back for a WR.

2. DoS – Ameer Abdullah – RB

The Sadness, on the other hand, are happy to take a second RB, bolstering their numbers. It’s a case of BPA from here on in.

3. East Flanders Dungeoneers – Marcus Mariota – QB

The Dungeoneers might be keen to trade up to make sure they get their man, should Winston go as early as projected here. Brees, Foles and Osweiler are not a happy group and Mariota would certainly put a smile on coach Conaghan’s face.

4. Tamworth Two – Jay Ajayi – RB

They got their WR in the first round and they’re happy to pick up a player who many projected to go in the first round here to fill up their RB corps.

5. DoS – Devin Funchess – WR

Having gorged himself on two RBs, GM Geoffrey Manboob has Funchess for dessert, and very happy with his first two rounds he is too.

6. Bombermen – Shane Ray – DE

Having taken a WR they didn’t really need, now they take a defensive end they really could use. Cameron Wake isn’t getting any younger and Mario Williams will be expensive to extend. Ray might soothe the blow.

7. Kelkowski – Vic Beasley – LB

They may have about 15 men on the roster competing for 3 or 4 starting LB spots, but only one, maybe two, are up to Beasley’s standard – if that. Beasley can be a difference maker and sack machine in the right landing spot. Will Kelkowski be that spot?

8. Losers – Tevin Coleman – RB

They got a receiver in the first round so are happy to go the other way and take a back here. Coleman is the best man left on the board. But not for long.

9. Here Comes The Brees – Nelson Agholor – WR

The player I want to call Agbonlahor is the best receiver on the board and the man the Brees were targeting from the beginning. They’ve met with Nelson several times and have been rumoured to have been paying him through his college years. This is a lock, if nothing else on this board is.

10. Bombermen – TJ Yeldon – RB

The Bombermen end up with a receiver, a defender and a back from their first three picks and are pretty happy about it.

Around the Grounds: Week 2

September 18, 2014

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by Jaunty Coving

Welcome one and all to week 2 and join me now as we go… around the grounds.

The NFL was rocked this week by scandal as it was revealed that Here Comes the Brees GM, Ban Saycher, has attempted to sneak over-priced rookie RB Tre Mason onto his taxi squad in violation of league rules. Sanctions from the league are pending but, in this reporter’s opinion, it is a true shame to see the sport we love brought so low.

Amongst this upheaval, Here Comes the Brees also cut RB Ray Rice, which nobody noticed because it wasn’t relevant or interesting in any way.

Arteveldestadion: Hogs @ Flahutes

The Tamworth Two arrived in the Arteveldestation on a high after a resounding week 1 victory, looking like one of the teams to beat in this year’s Owl. This was the inaugural game for the Flahutes in their new home, a state-of-the-art green arena made of recycled tofu and broken dreams, built at tremendous expense by the local community of Moomins.

The Flahutes had their problems in the first game, not least of which was the absence of GM Philip Malcolm. Malcolm gave a cursory press conference mid-week but, once again, it was Goodwill Childress, his Namibian adopted son, who was calling the plays at the weekend.

The Hogs started on the front foot with Adam Rodgers overcoming a very shaky start against the Jets to the biggest QB performance of the week, passing for 346 yards, 3 TDs and a 2 pointer, as well as scrambling for 28 yards. Toby Gerhart’s incredible 1.1 YPC managed not to keep the Hogs down too much and they logged a decent score on offence for the day, laying the groundwork for their defence, which had been dominant in week 1, to do the business.

For all Goodwill Childress’ bluster, the Flahutes seemed at one point to be going quietly into the night with one of the lowest offensive totals heading into Sunday night. Brandon Marshall added a sheen of respectability to proceedings with an unlikely 3 TD grabs and a strong showing from special teams kept the game close on the offensive side of the ball.

The Flahutes knew they needed something special on defence and were bolstered by the site of Gerald McCoy exiting for the Tamworth Two early on with a wrist injury. Inspired, they put up good numbers across the defence, led by Sen’Derrick Marks (10.5), DJ Swearinger (14.5) and Jerod Mayo (7). Any other week Childress could have been happy with Jason Hatcher’s 1.5 sacks but, considering the incredible 8 sacks given up by the Jacksonville O-line, he may feel this was an opportunity missed.

The injury to McCoy seemed to do nothing but fire up the Hogs D-line who still managed to score the most points on the week courtesy of 2 sacks for Jurell Casey and 2 sacks and a blocked punt TD for Chandler Jones. The game was all but won at this point and the rest of Mames Goodsard’s defence put it away comfortably with the likes of Larry Foote, Kam Chancellor, Luke Kuechly and Alterraun Verner looking refined.

Tamworth Two confirmed their status as front-runners for the Owl after week 1 with the top scoring defence of the week. With that side of the ball scoring so dominantly the offence just needs to keep ticking over as it is and more wins will come. The Flahutes, meanwhile, slip to 1-1 but there was no shame in defeat here as they were actually the 4^th top scoring team on the week.

Tamworth Two 183 – 157 East Flanders Flahutes

Jurassic Park: Sadness @ Losers

One of the bigger surprises of week 1 was the performance of the DynaSore Losers defence, a group not fancied by many. After a home win last weekend, there came a good opportunity to go 2-0 thanks to another home game against week 1 strugglers the Dynasty of Sadness. Sadness’ GM, Geoffrey Manboob, reluctantly agreed to play a more conventional formation in week 2 and the fans were relieved to see him name a starting quarterback, although some were nonplussed as to why sketchy sicknote Jake Locker had been given the nod over Cam Newton.

Such fears appeared well-founded as Locker struggled to 234 yards, 1 TD and 2 interceptions whilst Cam Newton put in one of the best QB performances of the week from the sideline. The inconsistency epitomised by Locker seemed to pervade the whole offence as for every Dez Bryant (16.3 points) and Eric Decker (12.3) performance there was a Dwayne Allen (0) or Riley Cooper (0.8). The Sadness limped to 72 points on offence, the worst showing of the week.

David Slater could be seen chuckling with star QB Peter Manning on the sideline as the pair watched the Sadness offence but the smile was quickly wiped from his face as Knowshon Moreno exited the game injured after only 1 carry for 4 yards. With the rest of the Losers’ RB corps putting up only 6.8 points Peter had to step up and shoulder the burden. He duly obliged, delivering a suitably high calibre performance and, along with Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Graham, the high power Losers offence showed some of the form we expected preseason with a dominant score.

With a nearly 40 point lead on Mangboob from offence the Losers, to be frank, didn’t need much from their defence but a matchup against a shocking Jacksonville O-line cares not for circumstance and Ryan Kerrigan strolled to 4 sacks and a monumental 31 points (this single performance was more than one other team’s entire defence would produce for the week, more of that later). The rest of the Losers’ D shrugged their shoulders and went for ice cream, leaving Kerrigan to his work.

No-one would really have blamed the Sadness’ defence for going home early. Most of their fans did. They did a professional job, however, with the D-line in particular coming up trumps with plenty of tackles, a forced fumble and a sack between Calais Campbell and Jared Allen. An injury to Eric Berry that could keep him out for some time was the salt in the wound of defeat for Geoffrey Manboob who left the stadium staring daggers at Cam Newton.

The Losers have got off to a strong start, albeit against teams that have started slowly. It’s positively terrifying to consider what this team might do on offence when their RBs fire and with Josh Gordon still to come back. The Sadness improved their points total from last week but still found themselves the worst scoring team and it looks like a long season ahead. But who would have expected anything else?

Dynasty of Sadness 130 – 187 Dynasore Losers

Hudson Soft Play Arena: Firebirds @ Bombermen

Sometimes you just have one of those days. It must have felt very much like one of those days to Danjamin Hendith as he sat on the sideline with AJ Green receiving treatment in the locker room and watching Antonio Gates catch his third TD pass of the game against the supposedly unplayable Legion of Boom. Coming off the back of an unfortunate week 1 defeat to the Champions of the Sun the Bombermen must have felt confident of getting a win on the board against Neil Hawke’s so-far-underwhelming Firebirds. It was just one of those days.

The misery wasn’t restricted to AJ Green’s goose egg. After busting out for 43 points last week, Hendith could only watch as Brandin Cooks, Michael Floyd and Kelvin Benjamin sputtered to 11 points, leaving his receiving corps the worst of the week by some margin. Matt Ryan and the RBs struggled similarly, with the exception of Giovani Bernard, and suddenly the Bombermen looked more like the team of raw talent that we thought had been drafted.

The Seattle San Diego game aside though, the Firebirds weren’t looking much better. Big zeros from James Starks and Marques Colston plus underwhelming days from the Gronk and CJ2K left the game more open than one would have thought from the Bombermen’s lacklustre showing.

Both teams struggled similarly for consistency on defence too. Ndamukung Suh and Leodis McKelvin came up with big plays for the ‘Birds whilst Trent Cole, Clay Matthews and (for the 2^nd week in a row) Kyle Williams did similarly for the Bombermen. With pathetic performances from Hawke’s LBs cancelled out by equal levels of Pap from Hendith’s DBs the result stayed the same. The Firebirds’ advantage from wily vet Antonio Gates was enough to win the day.

The Bombermen came crashing back down to Earth this week with a combination of bad luck and youthful inexperience exposing some gaps on the roster. This will likely be a team that yo-yos from week-to-week throughout the year, making them a risky, volatile opponent. The Firebirds, meanwhile, seem to be a solid, if unspectacular, outfit at this point. The strength of the roster is in Julio Jones and Demaryius Thomas and the defensive tackles who have, with Suh excepted, been quiet through 2 weeks. If the big names don’t start to produce the Firebirds could end up mired in obscurity this year.

DynaForOne Firebirds 150 – 140 Dynablaster Bombermen

Mahoney Memorial Stadium: Champions @ Rules

It was only week 2 of the season but already some media outlets had built this game up into a potential Owl preview as the two top scorers from week 1, and divisional rivals, went head-to-head at Mahoney Memorial Stadium. The hype was only exacerbated by fightin’ talk from both GMs prior to the match. In the end, however, the encounter was disappointingly one sided.

Champions’ GM The Dayman had been complaining prior to kick-off about injuries to his roster (though in truth, few of the team that started last week were injured). Nothing seemed particularly amiss at first as Jay Cutler put in the 2^nd best QB performance of the week and the Champions’ RB corps put up the week’s highest total to boot. Unfortunately the Champions’ thin roster was quickly exposed as their receiving corps and special teams put up the 2^nd worst combined score of the week to counterbalance this. Despite these problems the Dayman’s boys racked up a respectable 104 points on offence without leaving any big plays on the bench.

After a dominating week 1 performance, Jan Kelkowski must have felt confident that his team could outscore the Champions, even with their decent offensive showing. Although Colin Kaepernick misfired the same could not be said for the rest of the offence. DeMarco Murray and Arian Foster nearly outscored the 3-man Champions’ running attack on their own and the Rules’ receiving corps put up a punishing 74 points thanks to Delanie Walker (20) and Randall Cobb (18).

With the ball turned over to the defences, Rules had a healthy 38 point lead but couldn’t afford to be complacent against week 1’s top-scoring defensive unit. Kelkowski’s line was quiet, shuffling for only 6 points but Karlos Dansby and co. put in a strong showing at LB. Inspired by the play in front of them Darrelle Revis and Bernard Pollard combined for 13 tackles, a sack and an interception to give Kelkowski the 4^th highest scoring defence to go with his top scoring offence.

The bar was set high for the Champions as they needed 104 points from the defence, exactly 1 point more than they’d scored the week before. With Cameron Wake and Robert Quinn ready to chow down on their opponents like Kobyashi steak though, anything was possible. Unfortunately, instead of the ferocious Champions’ pass rush, a group of Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie impersonators took to the field instead and, in that light, the 30 points scored by the Champions’ defence should be seen as a positive. Even if it was 1 fewer point than Ryan Kerrigan scored on his own.

Kelkowski’s DynaRules look like strong early favourites for the Owl as the only team to post consecutive 200 point performances. Their receiving corps is, frankly, terrifying. The only concern might be a reliance on a pair of brittle running backs but neither Arian Foster or DeMarco Murray are showing any signs of breaking down yet. The Champions, meanwhile, went from first to worst on defence though if Jay Cutler and their running backs can keep the production up, their pass rushers could propel them to the playoffs yet, even though there will be some prize turkey weeks like this.

Champions of the Sun 134 – 208 Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Nakatomi Plaza Stadium: Brees @ Hard

Two teams entered the blood-soaked arena in the basement of Nakatomi Plaza in downtown LA with violence on the mind. For Ban Saycher, the sight of his hero, Drew Brees, in opposing colours had left him in a murderous rage all week.. For Chris Braithwaite, the pain of leaving everything out on the field but still being trodden on by the DynaRules was raw and his team was pumped up, knowing a similar performance would likely result in the win.

The early news for the Breeses was bad as an injury to Doug Martin kept him out of the game. An early knock to RGIII also hurt them as his replacement, Kirk Cousins, seemed not to have much Chemistry with Brees’ WR Pierre Garcon, resulting in only 12 yards worth of production for the usual target machine. Dispirited by this, the rest of the Breeses’ offence limped to the half. Andrew Luck’s connection with his TEs, Zach Ertz and Martellus Bennett provided some good numbers but the RBs and WRs were a wasteland of morose sighs that left the Breeses second only the Dynmension of Sadness in poor offensive play.

Scenting blood, the home crowd of coke-fuelled corporate suits and sophisticated German terrorists roared their team on. An early injury to Jamaal Charles had the opposite effect on the Hards as Garcon’s had on the Breeses as the rest of the team rallied round to cover. Alfred Morris smashed the Jacksonville run defence for 85 yards and two scores while Sammy Watkins built on his week 1 promise for 117 yards and a TD. In total the Hards offence romped home with 105 points, the third best offensive score of the week.

At half-time Ban Saycher could be seen imploring and chastising his team in equal measure before a firm slap on the rump of each man sent his defence out to do their work. Clearly disgusted with their offensive counterparts, the Breeses’ D set about building a good score. Aaron Donald continued to show his promise as he came home with 17 points and Daryl Smith (15) and Tramon Williams (16) put in big contributions too. The rest of the defence was solid but not spectacular and at the end of it Here Comes the Brees were only up 38 with DynaHard’s entire defence yet to play.

Call it complacency, call it bad luck, call it what you will but the DynaHard defence fell at the final hurdle on the field. A sack for Von Miller and a fumble recovery by CJ Mosley were the only big plays on the team as the unit combined for only 34 points, leaving them agonizingly short of the win and dropping them to 0-2.

Chris Braithwaite can point to injuries to Charles and Ryan Matthews or to the decision to leave Bryan Anger on the bunch. A change in any of the 3 would have given DynaHard the win. They’re not a bad team though and should be able to recover to respectability from here. The injury to Charles and Greg Hardy’s move to the exempt list may put a kibosh on more ambitious aims for the season though. For the Breeses, they showed here that they can win in a tight spot and scrap for a result. It wasn’t pretty but it got the job done and they’ll need more results like that to build a good season off the back of this win.

Here Comes the Brees 143 – 139 Dyna Hard

Standings

Rk	Franchise	W-L-T	Strk	PF	PA	Div
	PETER
1	Tamworth Two	2-0-0	W2	370	291	2-0-0
2	Dynasore Losers	2-0-0	W2	350	255	1-0-0
3	East Flanders Flahutes	1-1-0	L1	328	331	1-1-0
4	Here Comes the Brees	1-1-0	L1	299	304	0-1-0
5	The 4^th Dynmension: Dynasty of Sadness	0-2-0	L2	257	374	0-2-0
	TIM
1	Kelkowski Don’t Play By No DynaRules	2-0-0	W2	423	331	2-0-0
2	DynaForOne Firebirds	1-1-0	W1	275	303	1-0-0
3	Champions of the Sun	1-1-0	L1	362	404	1-1-0
4	Dyna Hard	0-2-0	L2	336	366	0-1-0
5	Dynablaster Bombermen	0-2-0	L2	336	377	0-2-0

Week 3 Games

The game of the week takes place at Mahoney Memorial Stadium where someone will lose a perfect record as DynaRules take on the Tamworth Two.
DynaHard, meanwhile, face a tough task to record their first win as they take the helicopter to Isla Nublar to face David Slater’s 2-0 Dynasore Losers.
The bookies think MANGBOOB may have a chance for his first win at the Firebird Dome in what is predicted to be a very close game between the Sadness and the ‘Birds.
Here Come The Brees come to Paddy’s Pub uncertain whether they will face the dominant Champions of week 1 or the timid laughing stock of week 2. Vegas thinks they have the edge though and who are we to argue with them.
Danjamin Hendith will look to break the losing streak in their second home game of the season as they entertain the East Flanders Flahutes in a favourable matchup.

Around The Grounds: Week 1

September 15, 2014

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by Jaunty Coving

Welcome to a new season of fantasy football and the first ever edition of Around the Grounds, the weekly recap column highlighting the movers and shakers in the world’s premier fantasy football league, the Dynabowl. Each week this reporter will be taking you through the different matchups of the week looking for big plays, important calls and missed opportunities.

The Drew Brees Memorial Stadium: Flahutes @ Brees

We start off at the Drew Brees Memorial Stadium with its iconic onyx and jade statue on the external concourse, depicting the legend himself in seductive repose. There are times in the pre-season where Brees boss Dan Saycher seemed a little overwhelmed by his new position. That, combined with the sour taste felt by fans at seeing Drew Brees in the colours of the Flahutes, led to an apprehensive air around the stadium pre kick-off. This was nothing compared to the storm of controversy when Flahutes manager Phil Malcolm didn’t even turn up to the match though. His team and backroom staff appeared in panicked disarray when they realised their GM wasn’t in attendance and this reporter merely shook his head in weary resignation to see the glorious game brought low.

In the early game, the Breeses stuttered on offence with Bernard Pierce and Brian Hartline, in particular, looking out of their depth at this level. Respectable showings from Zach Ertz (a star in the making) and Miami Dolphins forgotten man Lamar Miller masked some of the pain. Unfortunately it was a weak late effort from the Breeses too as Doug Martin and Keenan Allen fluffed their lines and Victor Cruz could only watch in bafflement as Eli Manning gave the ball away to the Lions’ defence rather than pass it to him. The lone bright spot on offence, a position this player is used to, was Andrew Luck whose trademark black magic nearly brought the Colts back into a game where they should have been dead and buried.

Things weren’t much better for the Breeses on the defensive side of the ball either where the DEs and LBs looked disinterested, failing to make plays. Rookie DT Aaron Donald had a promising debut with a pair of tackles for loss and Harrison Smith, the week’s top scorer, tried to make up for the unit’s deficiencies with a monumental 80 yard pick 6. From the bench Michael Bennett, Kendall Wright and Christian Kirksey could only watch as their teammates floundered.

The Breeses were there for the taking but with the confusion on the bench, it remained to be seen if the Flahutes could take advantage. In the absence of the GM, team affairs and play calling was handled by Goodwill Childress, Phil Malcolm’s 15-year-old Namibian adopted son. Probably the biggest decision to be made was the call on TE with the Flahutes being particularly stacked at that position. Childress opted for Charles Clay and Jason Witten and the decision looked like that of an adolescent as the two combined for a paltry 4.1 points as the 14.9 points of Kyle Rudolph and Dennis Pitta fumed on the side-line. Seemingly unhappy at playing against his home club, Drew Brees put in a lacklustre showing too and this matchup really started to look like it would come down to who could be the least incompetent. The Flahutes’ defence wasn’t having any of it though and, led by San’Derrick Marks, Chicago’s Willie Young and Flacco-nut-crusher Vontaze Burfict they racked up good points in a ferocious 3-4 formation. In the secondary Jairus Byrd forced a fumble to score some big points too and, fortunately for Childress, the Flahutes claimed the win despite leaving big points on the bench in the form of Raiders’ LB Sio Moore (31.0) and Seahawks’ CB Byron Maxwell (18.35). What the future holds for the GM-less Flahutes is less certain but, for now, they are 1-0 and able to reflect on a win, if a shaky one.

East Flanders Flahutes 165 – 147 Here Comes the Brees

Through the Looking Glass: Two @ Sadness

Thunderheads glowered over the dilapidated shell of the Looking Glass as the 4th Dynmension of Sadness fans prepared for another season of disappointment under long-suffering GM Geoffrey Manboob. The history of this franchise is a storied one of failure and heartbreak with any meagre success being only a precursor to a greater downfall. The Tamworth Two, meanwhile, came off a fine pre-season raring to go and their boisterous fans (or Hogs as they call themselves) filled the stadium with their oinking.

The tone of the game was set early on when Sadness quarterback Cam Newton briefly appeared from the locker room door, sniffed the air, shook his head and went back in, curling into a foetal position and refusing to play. Young whippersnapper Jake Locker scampered around the GM’s feet asking to play but the man they call MANGBOOB decided instead to run a strange wildcat formation for the game. Freed of the need to even consider pass-blocking, the Sadness O-line made a decent fist of run-blocking, allowing Montee Ball, Joique Bell and Shane Vereen to amass a good total, combining for 3 TDs and 154 rushing yards. For one of the cheaper RB attacks in the league it bodes well for the season ahead.

Unsurprisingly, however, the pass attack fared less well with none of the Sadness receivers cracking double figure points off trick plays and passes from punter Brandon Fields. On the other side of the ball, the Sadness LBs put up a good show with 37 total tackles but the expensively assembled secondary largely moped around uselessly and DE Calais Campbell walked off the field after one snap, muttering something about leaving the iron on at home. He did not return. The Sadness can look forward to having Linval Joseph back next week at least after he fully recovered from his accidental nightclub shooting in the off-season.

Without wishing to be unkind, Mames Goodsard could have sent out his practice squad and come away with a win against the shambolic Dynmension of Sadness this week. It is a testament to the man’s professionalism that his team played and played hard. Offence was a mixed bag with Adam Rodgers struggling against the Seahawks D, Alshon Jeffery struggling with injury and Michael Crabtree struggling under the weight of his combined ego and sense of entitlement. Vernon Davis had a big game though with 2 TDs and Mike Wallace showed that maybe last season was a blip, coming up with 12.1 points despite his dinghy being moored at Revis Island for the whole game.

A modest Tamworth Two attack was completely shown up by a dominant defensive display. Potential DPOY candidate Gerald McCoy led the charge with 8 tackles and a sack but outgoing DPOY Luke Kuechly wasn’t willing to be outshone, coming away with a sack of his own, a forced fumble and 9 tackles. Overall the Two’s LB corps was the strongest on the day. A strong secondary showing and good scores across the board left the result in no doubt as the Tamworth defence easily put the misfiring Sadness offence to bed. The Tamworth Two look strong for the season to come with a good first team showing backed by the best scoring bench in the league this week. For the Dynmension of Sadness, the season could be a long one unless MANGBOOB can persuade his star players to start playing up to their salaries.

Tamworth Two 187 – 127 4th Dynmension of Sadness

Jurassic Park: Firebirds @ Losers

It was a glorious, sunny day on Isla Nublar as Neil Hawke brought his Firebirds to Jurassic Park to face-up against pantomime villain David Slater’s DynaSore Losers. Hawke’s team had already put up 44 points from Seattle’s whipping of Green Bay on Thursday, setting the Losers onto the back foot immediately. Slater was said to be in confident mood though, trusting in, among others, his elite running-back group to get him through.

Matt Forte duly obliged with 169 yards from scrimmage, although he did miss the end zone. Adrian Peterson and Reggie Bush struggled somewhat, the former putting up decent yards but no scores and the latter suffering from shared time with Joique Bell. With 19.4 point-scoring Knowshon Moreno on the bench Slater may wonder if he made the right call, though it would have been a brave move to put Moreno in for the first week given his uncertain situation in Miami. The fans will surely be clamouring for him next week now though.

The rest of the Losers’ offence put up fairly solid numbers but only Peter Manning really lived up to expectations with a 22.46 point performance. The Losers will surely look for more luck in the end zone from the likes of Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Graham in future weeks.

The Firebirds’ offence, meanwhile, were in buoyant mood, spurred by a huge haul from Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson. The rest of the offence duly obliged with Chris Johnson scoring 15.1 points on his Jets debut and Rob Gronkowski finding the end zone. Hawke may wonder what could have been for Julio Jones though as the receiver racked up 116 yards but fumbled at the goal-line once and was stopped on it a second time.

On offence, the two teams were almost perfectly poised, each scoring 98 points and change. Like other key matchups this week, this game would come down to the defences. The serious question marks hung over the Losers as David Slater had seemed to take a somewhat dismissive approach to defence on draft day and, looking across the field to the likes of Geno Atkins and Ndamukong Suh on the Firebirds’ line he may have harboured some doubts about this approach.

He needn’t have worried. Neil Hawke could be seen bouncing up and down the Firebirds’ touchline in frustration as his defence failed to create anything of significant value. Suh and Atkins both misfired and Derick Johnson succumbed to an ACL tear likely to keep him out for the season. Mason Foster pulled 9 tackles out of the bag but with such a poor performance from his line, Hawke needed his secondary to put up big numbers. Unfortunately they could not oblige. Despite putting up solid numbers, a lack of big plays left the Firebirds in a hole with by far the weakest defensive showing of the week.

With their opponents so ineffective, the Losers strolled him with the win, big plays from William Moore and Logan Ryan propping them up and DeAndre Levy nearly outscoring the Firebirds’ D on his own. Levy finished the day with 2 tackles for a loss, 10 total tackles, 1 pass defended and an expertly controlled interception for 21.05 points.

For the Firebirds, better days will be ahead. The talent on defence did not produce in the moment but should be fine over the season and with a slick looking Seattle offence leading the line they can rely on some big numbers. The Losers’ policy of older, big names on offence did not pay off handsomely in Jurassic Park today but, like the Firebirds’ defence, they will over the season and, even on an off day, they put up good numbers. The key for the Losers will be whether their unheralded defence can continue to put up solid, middle-of-the-pack numbers to season’s end to bolster them.

DynaForOne Firebirds 125 – 162 Dynasore Losers

Paddy’s Pub: Bombermen @ Champions

A mish-mash crowd of hobos and vaudevillian stage magicians gathered around the old recreational field behind Paddy’s Pub to watch as The Dayman’s pet project NFL team played host to the Dynablaster Bombermen and their half-Canadian, half-Commissioner GM Danjamin Hendith. Coming into the season, both teams could have been pegged as ones more for the future with their eyes firmly on youth in the draft so there was little expectation of immediate fireworks in this matchup (Editor’s note: no allegation or reference to ongoing criminal proceedings was intended by the previous statement).

The Champions came out of the gate hard on offence as a flurry of activity in the 2nd quarter saw big scores for Roddy White, CJ Spiller and DeAndre Hopkins. Jay Cutler waxed and waned across the game, at points jumping ahead through a TD pass, at other times leaving the Dayman with his head in his hands by throwing a pick to Bomberman DT Kyle Williams, causing a 12 point swing in one play. Le’veon Bell also scored well for the Champions, sprinting to 197 total yards and a score. The only black spots on the Champions’ day on offence were early injuries to Ben Tate and Jordan Reed, forcing both out of the game before they could make significant impact. The Dayman can, at least take solace in the fact that Tate’s likely replacement is already on the roster between Terrance West and Isaiah Crowell.

At half time in this fixture things were not looking good for the Bombermen who had yet to click on offence with AJ Green, in particular, uncharacteristically quiet. That would all change though as the Bengals WR exploded on a huge catch and run that left him on 19.6 points for the day. The Bombermen’s receiving corps as a whole performed excellently with big days for Kelvin Benjamin (15.2), Michael Floyd (12.1), Terrance Williams (11) and Greg Olsen (14.3). Although Hendith’s RBs were pedestrian by comparison, Matt Ryan led the team to 139 points on offence on the day, good for the 2nd highest scoring total.

With the Bombermen marginally ahead on offence both GMs turned to their defences to provide. Clay Matthews had already weighed in for the Bombermen on Thursday night with a forced fumble giving him a nice total to go alongside Kyle Williams’ pick of Cutler. The rest of the team could only muster a couple of sacks from Ahmad Brooks and Mario Williams though with the secondary, in particular, weak, able to come up with only 7.5 points between them. The field was open for the Champions to capitalise but could they?

The answer, simply, was yes. Cameron Wake led the way with 2 strip-sacks to propel him to 31.5 points, second highest point scorer on the week. Not wanting to be outdone, Jamie Collins’ forced fumble, Justin Houston’s 2 sacks and Wesley Woodyard’s sack and 5 tackles boosted the numbers, leaving the Champions with the 2nd best scoring LB unit for the week, behind only the Tamworth Two’s monster corps. A solid outing for the secondary, featuring a timely interception by Charles Woodson, sealed the deal and the Champions took the win with the highest score of the week. Despite that, the Dayman will have to manage his roster well to maintain the pace as the team lacks depth. The Bombermen can take solace in a good performance and the fact they were just unlucky to come up against a unit that just happened to hit it right on the day.

Dynablaster Bombermen 196 – 227 Champions of the Sun

Mahoney Memorial Stadium: Hard @ DynaRules

Kick-off was delayed at Mahoney Memorial stadium due to a highway chase en route in which maverick DynaRules GM Jan Kelkowski personally apprehended a pair of marijuana dealers at the cost of only several million dollars in infrastructure damage. Both teams arrived late as a result but the delay did not cause a dampening of the atmosphere, or the quality of football as both the DynaRules and Chris Braithwaite’s DynaHard put on a display of athletic ability.

Both offences ended up in the top 4 scoring units for the week (along with the Bombermen and the Champions of the Sun) with DynaRules, in particular, putting up almost unfeasible numbers. The receiving unit of Randall Cobb, Cor! Darelle Patterson, Jeremy Maclin, Calvin Johnson and Julius Thomas put up an incredible 600 all-purpose yards and 8 TDs and the number could have been even higher but for a shoulder injury to Jordan Cameron. With those kind of points on the board even underwhelming days from Arian Foster and Zac Stacy couldn’t stifle the exuberant Kelkowski who courted controversy by kicking a downed DynaHard cornerback left in Calvin Johnson’s dust on one particularly huge play.

Up against such terrifying numbers DynaHard rallied and began the fight back with Ryan Matthews (12), Antonio Brown (19.9) and Julian Edelman (12.35) adding plenty of yards on their own. Brown later added to the feisty atmosphere of the game by kung-fu kicking the DynaRules punter on a long return for which he may yet face a fine and a suspension, plus the unending ire of Kelkowski. Unfortunately for Braithwaite, the rest of his offence couldn’t put up his opponents’ numbers and, despite Matthew Stafford having one of his best ever career games, DynaRules outscored them by over 40 points on offence.

DynaHard were down but not out, however, and with superstar DE JJ Watt piling up 3 tackles (including 2 for a loss), a sack, a fumble recovery and pass defended and even a blocked extra point all was not lost. At the other end of the line, Greg Hardy put up similar numbers though Braithwaite will no doubt continue to face calls from the media and fans to drop Hardy as he waits for re-trial in his domestic abuse case. San Francisco safety Eric Reid and Oakland tackled Antonio Smith put up good numbers too ensuring that Kelkowski’s team couldn’t afford to slack if they wanted the win, even with that huge day on offence.

With DynaRules having targeted offence at the draft there was certainly reason for cautious optimism among the traveling fans and this was only heightened as stars Nick Fairley, Jason Pierre-Paul and Charles Tillman combined for only 3.75 points. It was a big day for Kelkowski’s players in new teams though as Karlos Dansby (new to the Browns) and DeMarcus Ware (new to the Broncos) combined for 1.5 sacks, 9 tackles and an interception to boost the numbers. With Navorro Bowman’s absence giving an opportunity hike to Patrick Willis’ IDP value too the DynaRules had enough steam to get over the line comfortably.

Going forward, like the Bomberman, DynaHard need not be discourage by defeat as they had strong numbers on both sides of the ball that should translate to wins in other weeks, particularly with a strong bench. The DynaRules, however, look like early front runners for the Owl with the highest potential points on the week and an absolutely devastating receiving corps. Kelkowski will need his undervalued defence to keep putting numbers up but if that happens they should be a very real threat.

Dyna Hard 196 – 214 Kelkowski Don’t Play By No Dyna Rules

Mock Draft 3.0 – James ‘Goody’ Goodson of the Tamworth Two

Mock Draft 2.0 – DSlatz Stat Attackz Version

Mock Draft 1.0

Around the Grounds: Week 2

Around The Grounds: Week 1

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